Liberal Mafia

Small misunderstandings

2011-02-10T22:16:00.004Z

Since little misunderstanding during contest for Don of all Liberali, I been best of friends with Signor "Dr. Evil" Oakeshott. Regularly he come down Little Sicily to scream and shout at me about Vatican bankers.

It most entertaining. Dr. Evil been trying to put squeeze on the VBs for over 30 years. But they tricky marks. Soon as you think you got them, they sneak off to Switzerland or invent new ways of hiding their stash.

I most sad then he decide to go for long entirely voluntary holiday to spend more time with property portfolio. It seem he have minor, entirely understandable disagreement with Signor Alexander, where he jovially compare him to 'type of rent boy who give it up easy for bankers' with all financial understanding of an Neapolitan, using hand gestures. Seem Signor Alexander took offence at Dr. Evil's 'characteristically robust style'.

Also have little local difficulty. Lots of Capos moaning about need to cut rackets after Conservatori "Hindenburg" Pickles slash kick-backs. It all too far, too fast they say. Which odd I never see our Capos moving fast unless toward buffet cart at annual birthday party for Don Clegg.

But their point is that if we have to shift grifters and girls of ill-repute from Family books we only spend more in long term removing them from our turf when inevitably go into business for selves. Slow down they say. Give girls time to put on bit of make-up, go down gym, get punters back in. Let grifters learn some new tricks, set up online poker site, rather than chase the lady on street corners.

Hindenburg though just laugh and say they had years to do all this, show me money, no place for dead wood in new Family Coalition. Signor Stunell helpfully interject if there were we probably find way of selling it.

Hindenburg give him hard stare. Probably right. Besides where we going to bury Capos if they no stop moaning, and who going to bury them if we shrink the help.

OldSaddlebag result

2011-01-14T12:53:00.002Z

I most sad for my colleague Signor Nutkins in OldSaddlebag who has been beaten up by girl with funny teeth.

This no reflection on him and in many respects great result for Liberali considering he all exhausted by long process of proving previous Labouristi Capo have no honour.

Plus our so-called new Conservatori friends who say they lend us muscle do little more than flounce around saying "We so local, we help you long time".

So sorry then to see Signor Ali forced to return to hanging round local cinema fencing tickets.

When out of hospital I hope we see more of Signor Nutkins in future. It Family tradition for beaten soldiers to ignore wounds and return for rematch every 4-5 years. Although seriously Signor Rendel, maybe time to get message now.

VAT the problem?

2011-01-04T21:14:00.002Z

I not sure I glad to be out of coma. Paesano in Little Sicily sure get whiny in absence.

Only today out in market wetting beak on fruit and tupperware stands when stall holders all gather round.

"Why Don Clegg put up our protection Signor Liberali?" they wring hands at me

"It so hard", "We struggle", "Customers no understand why price go up", "You try to take crusts from mouths of bambinos", "Signor Miliband his protection cost less"... and on, and on...

"It 2.5%" I say "That not much." Pause to think really hard.

"Can't tell you exactly how small it is, but it sound like next to nothing".

They give me hard stares.

"Besides Signor Miliband put the squeeze on wages instead and it his fault we need to repair the protection fund". I can tell I really convincing them.

At this point Signor Green of Sicilian Home Stores on Palermo High Street who I no like wander over.

"Didn't you say only a few months ago whatever happens you weren't going to put up protection on the market?"

"I pretty sure I was in coma"

"Yes but looks here's a photograph of Don Clegg in Little Sicily standing next to an enormous poster that says 'Conservatori will put your market protection up or blow you up with big bomb'"

I give him hard stare.

"I sure there good explanation for that. You saying Don Clegg not a man of honour?"

He look pensive.

"Thought no. Anyhow not you like pay same protection as rest of my paesano"

"Well I'm sure I must be running along, people to see, pants to sells, cugine to eject from Top Shop..."

"Tickets to Monaco?"

He sure move fast for well padded guy.

"We still not happy" say stall holders

"Should tell Don Cameron" I say

"Why?"

"He interested in measuring misery. You want, I can set up meeting so he make you happy? He got whole ranges of 'nudges' he want to try on willing test group."

Suddenly seem people keen to get back to stalls.

"Gotta go...", "Sure we cope...", "there no alternative...", "we all in together..."

Sure is great way deal with Conservatori make people want to work harder.

Bon'annu novu

2010-12-31T22:46:00.005Z

So that was 2010. Not best year. In coma. Woke up end of year. Still not see Don Clegg. Understand though he most concerned about whether have brain damage. Although no understand why Get Well card ask whether it get worse.

Spending New Year with Family Consigliere Signor Rennard, who lose a lot of weight, call himself Signor Fox, and has developed ability to use computer. No end to talent it seem.

He say he keeping eye on me until better. Is helping recovery with important folding therapy using large pile of threat letters for OldSaddlebag turf war. His kindness undimmed by extreme diet.

Bon'annu novu Liberali

Capo Hughes Access Enforcer

2010-12-30T14:18:00.003Z

Well I very pleased for my old friend Capo Hughes. It look like he accept new job making cugine protection racket easier to understand for ragazzi used to beatings.

It real problem for Family. Try to make things simple, some just do not get it.

Time wiseguys spend holding heads under water, smashing up possessions, and otherwise inflicting instruction, could spend collecting from ragazzi with lower pain threshold.

"It great deal" we say "pay the dues and our protection stays with you for life".

"No money now... no problemo... we give you little loan... you pay us back when ready"

"No money later... you no pay"

"Worry about debt... forgetta-about-it... after 30 years you free from all favours"

"Worry about interest... badda-bing... only blingy kids pay the full Family rate"

"Still don't get it... Capo Hughes have a little protection fund for special cases"

As the Capo say "is perception rather than the reality" that issue with protection rackets.

And who not trust this face?

I sure we soon see big uptake of great new deal.

Congratulazioni Signor Hughes!

Village notice

2010-12-29T16:50:00.000Z

It very kind of village bulletin board to post Christmas message whilst recovering from extraction of last bullet. Something I put behind me, as did cowardly gunman.

Don Studmuffin

2008-04-03T21:21:00.003+01:00

I in lot of trouble with the Don this week. While I being entertained by Don Clegg's henchmen last November, we talk about stuff on occasion. With Signor Grant for example we chat about problem with Capo Clegg image.

"The thing is Liberali, I'm a little concerned."

"Why that Gavin?"

"Well Capo Clegg is more 'new' Family than 'old', some people even say he appeals to women."

"What point of that?"

"I know... I know... but ever since Signora Pankhurst and her (shudder) progressive ilk secured full access to the Family it's been seen as quite an asset in a Don."

"Sure explain why Signora Clegg keep giving lady Capos filthy looks."

"Uh huh... anyhow that's not my point, the flip side of all that 'girl-power' is that, well how can I put this delicately, the Capo can occasionally seem a little feminine... it doesn't go down so well with the real old men of honour... you know... like you."

"Sure, Signora Liberali say she glad she with man with no feminine side, and I should under no circumstances ever consider making decisions about what's in our home. I think she say this when visiting bachelor pad while dating."

"Fascinating... I would love to hear more... however the issue is how do we improve the Capo's appeal to real men?... Do you have any ideas?"

"He could shoot Capo Huhne in the face?"

"Uh huh... uh huh... I'm thinking starting a Family blood-bath might lose a little more marginal support than it gains and be quite expensive... it can be a burden to be a marketing expert sometimes... think a little more about the image than the substance."

"Well he could talk about man-things a bit more and spend a little less time on all this diverse Family stuff."

"Mmm interesting... do go on"

"What about he do interview with 'real men' Paparazzi like the 'Moron' who write for PoshWank magazine"

"I'm listening..."

"He could talk about man-stuff... favourite gun... bullet-proof car of month... organising hits on his Blackberry... fun-stuff... wiseguy-stuff... make him sound modern man of honour as well as ladies man"

"Very good... any risks?"

"Um... no don't think so... not like it serious anti-Family magazine..."

And with that he dash off to talk to Signor Clegg. Interview not used at time, but turn out PoshWank saving it for later.... and it seem Don Clegg may have got his brief confused. The Moron got him talking about other stuff as well, which not quite get headlines Signor Grant looking for...

"PoshWank Exclusive: I'm like a Tommy Gun in a whorehouse claim Don of Liberali Family"

"10... 20... 30... I've had so many I've lost count... say Don Clegg"

"Good... was I good... let's just say when you're used to Nissan Micra you're going to notice a Hummer in the driveway"

"Is my wife satisfied?... well she begged me not to become Don, so I guess she wasn't looking for less time together."

"Have I cheated?... er... I don't think so... despite being the Leader of the most sensationally attractive Family... I'd like to think I've only got eyes for Signora Clegg..."

Signor Moron inexplicably publish that last comment under subtitle "He's a shagger, oh yes he is."

So I be taking holiday for a while I think... and not letting Signora Liberali hang around the Printworks too much when Don is around...

Liberali Cugine... Solid Gold

2008-03-26T23:24:00.003Z

Liberali Junior sure having busy month. Only just back from Liverpool and already he helping Signor 'bully-stomper' Gettleson, leader of the Liberali Cugine, organise his relaunch, with Don Clegg.

I no understand cugine these days, so I not sure why LC need relaunch. But Liberali Junior assure me it very important.

"It like difference between Yellow and Gold" he say.

I stare at him blankly, but glad he thinking about gold, show some promise for Family business.

"Yellow's a nice colour, very friendly, nothing wrong with a bit of yellow. But gold, gold is basically yellow, but really, really sparkly... you know shiny... a bit better"

"You saying you like boys?" I ask.

He glower at me.

"There were lots of girls at the launch..." he say sulkily "and nibbles... and a DJ... it was fun..."

"So where was the gold?"

"... there was no gold... it... was... a... metaphor..."

"You met a whore? Sound like brilliant relaunch."

He stare at me with that blank impatient look that really remind me of Signora Liberali.

"You just don't understand... I'm going to sit in a dark room for a while now... don't knock... don't come in... it's just something we do in LC."

"O.k... don't forget give your new friend a call... or you send her text... is that how you communicate these days... Personally... I used to get on bicycle to go and see Signora Liberali's father and wave to her in garden... or rather back of her head under sun umbrella... which her parents still regard as pretty racy liberty before we married... it..."

But he gone.

Sure is great to see young man making his way in Family, such impatience to succeed.

Liberali Junior in Liverpool

2008-03-09T09:13:00.002Z

Liberali Family is in Liverpool this weekend for Spring Family Gathering. I take this as good opportunity to stay at home and work on lemon trees, but have sent enthusiastic cugine up in my stead.

For Liberali Junior, my nephew, this will be first Gathering. So he still full of keen enthusiasm and optimism that less evident amongst those in regular attendance. For now though he leaf through briefing papers on socially responsible carjacking and benefiting from cross-border crime with with wide-eyed wonder and curiosity.

He been pestering me with questions all week about which way he should indicate his support on various pressing matters like what to do about children who bit slow, preventing lawyers getting more of our money, and whether or not our drugs rackets should be run by Capitani, directly selected foot soldiers, or some combination.

On this last point I advise him to avoid discussion altogether and go and learn how to meet girls in bars. It advice I give frequently to members of Family internal governance structure, but for many I fear it too late.

He ring me last night to say this precisely what he do. Although I not sure he get it quite right.

"I see training session run by Signor Mathon, a London hitman, and Signora Harper, a consigliore, called Winning with Women" he say.

"How that go for you" I ask

"It little disappointing. Not sure it great advice. Most of training seem to be fashion tips on how to conceal a Beretta in a twin-set, and when I try and mimic Signor Mathon's chat-up lines later in bar it not very helpful."

"Chat-up lines?"

"I see pretty girl who work for Don Clegg and say to her she have nice eyes and 'professional-looking demure demeanour that look good on leaflets in non-threatening or overly -flirty-manner'. She pour drink on head."

"So when change shirt and try more conversational-style. Going really well with new Capitani from Little Sicily until I ask her if she like to 'come back to my ward and spend weekend extorting support from local residents;'. Her eyes glaze over and she suddenly rather talk to Capo Opik about his harmonica."

"Did you try and buy anyone a drink?"

"Yes, but Signor Mathon say I should not do this until I 'have extracted a commitment for at least one evening of tactical support at time of local turf-war'. It not prove easy. One girl though do ask me for glass of water, but call me an environmental criminal when I get her a bottle. Luckily Signor Cable giving away fruit juice from his new line of Dr. Cable's Smoothies range, but most Liberali women seem more interested in vodka. I think that he have them in mind when he decry the pity of binge-drinking."

"How Liverpool for you otherwise."

"It great, not like you say at all. Still have hub-caps on hire car and no one in a suit was preparing for their day in court, except the ex-Leader of our Capitani. We making a fortune up here, so many building-site rackets going on that enforcers all getting very fit dashing between them. Even Signor Rennard putting his tracksuit on tomorrow to relive some of the triumphs of his youth."

"That good news, you learn something then?"

"Yes, if you work hard all year round you don't get to meet many women."

That my boy...

The Euro Revolt

2008-03-05T23:06:00.003Z

It troubling evening tonight. Not sure exactly what go on, but have been summoned into meeting with Don Clegg, Signor Davey and Signor Alexander.

"Bastardos, they're all ******* bastardos" rave the Don

Signor Davey look mighty cheerful. He appear to be looking through Family yearbook and drawing little symbols next to some of the pictures. I not sure what they mean but look like little spikes, squiggly lines with a loop on the end, and L-shapes with little round circles coming out of the end. Signor Davey mighty talented artist.

"I would urge caution" say Signor Alexander

"Oh genius, thank-you Daniel, this would be caution as in following your guidance to avoid upsetting anyone by developing a position on the latest musings of the Euro Family so complex that no one understands it except the three of us."

"It seems very simple to me" say Signor Davey.

"Really..." say the Don "Suppose, just for my education you articulate it again to Signor Liberali?"

"Well if you insist... Don.... Signor Liberali, as you know... periodically... the Euro Family meets to set rules for dealing with the border disputes that occasionally erupt between us. The latest rules were proposed in Lisbon, and the Euro Family is awaiting confirmation that the national Families are happy with the proposal."

"I thought Dutch heroin racketeers and French Connection already reject that."

"No, no, no, that was the set of rules proposed in Rome a year earlier, and entirely different set of rules, with much wider implications."

"Really what difference?"

Signor Davey glower at me. Don Clegg is smirking

"Well clearly that isn't what was important today."

"Oh why was it then that Knuckles was beating head against wall earlier, crying 'I just don't understand what we're doing'..."

"Well apart from the obvious that Signor Carmichael has a number of... shall we say... complex issues... the matter that caused him and other trait... I mean valued colleagues.... particular concern was the Don's insistence that we did not need to consult the foot-soldiers on the new rules."

"Why that problem?"

"It's not" snap Signor Davey... "That's the point"

"Then why everyone so excited?"

"Well some of the idio... I mean respected and loyal Capos... seem to regard Don Kennedy's 2005 promise to consult the foot-soldiers on the previous Rome rules as binding on this issue."

"So Lisbon rules really different to Rome rules then?"

Signor Davey glare at me.

"Well evidently Signor Liberali. For starters... one set of rules had the word Rome at the top... and other set used the word Lisbon."

"Wow, that pretty important." I say, impressed.

Signor Davey beam at the Don "See he understands"

"Uh huh..." interject the Don "Tell me Signor Liberali why is that you didn't join the rebels today. What is it about our position that you believe is defensible?"

"I figure if I no support you Signor Davey carry out threat to nail my testicles to door and close it." I beam

"Your loyalty is appreciated... Signor Davey, can I suggest you and Signor Alexander leave us to do some cabinet-making before the Family gets the impression that we tolerate any thinking more sophisticated than Signor Liberali's excellent analysis."

It sure great to be appreciated for brains as well as loyalty. I think I go and prepare some ice packs for Signors Heath, Farron and Knuckles...

Don Clegg to back no-Sicilian short-lists

2008-02-12T20:27:00.000Z

Inner Circle meeting today Don Clegg raise difficult matter of Family diversity.

"Gentleman... er... and ladies we are not making progress fast enough. I have therefore decided to back Signor Vaz's call, and in principle support the idea that Capos, in all Families, may need to be chosen, if all else fails... er... on the basis of not being Sicilian."

"Isn't Signor Vaz the fat sleazebag who got suspended from the Labouristi for selling Family favours to his non-Sicilian mates and obstructing an investigation into it?" Ask Signor Baker looking rather cross.

"Er... yes... he has a bit of past... I grant you... however that doesn't on this occasion detract from the... er... general quality of the idea."

"No it'll be a nice little earner for him" mutter someone from back of the room

"So Don, how exactly is this going to work?" ask Signor Laws

"Er... well I think that's fairly obvious if you don't mind me saying so David... If you're not visibly Sicilian, you don't qualify. It doesn't apply to all vacancies, just those in areas where our clients are mostly not Sicilian, or at least a sizeable portion are not."

"But Don, we don't have any Capos in such areas?" he say

"Well precisely David." he say, eyes travelling up towards ceiling "That's why we're doing this"

"O.k... that's helpful Don, but just so we really understand this, I assume that non-Sicilian also means Jewish?"

"Er... clearly there are details to be ironed out..."

"Oh I see so if I get an enquiry about this from a Jewish cugine, I should tell him... or her... to wait until the Family has decided whether they're non-Sicilian enough to qualify?"

"Er... Er..."

"What's if they're only half-Jewish Don?"

"Well clearly in such a case whatever rule we had decided for fully-Jewish cugine would also apply?"

"Oh good, and if only a quarter, or what if they're non-practicing?"

"Well it might be necessary to appoint a vetting committee in such difficult cases."

"Excellent suggestion Don, and the purpose of this committee would presumably be to assess whether they looked visibly Jewish enough?"

"Er... Er... perhaps I should be clear this is primarily about people who clearly are not European looking to avoid all doubt."

"Marvellous Don, so we can presumably then exclude those unusual people who have one European parent, one non-European, but yet look European? Do Native Americans count? the Maronite Christians from the Lebanon?"

"Er... well again... maybe the committee..."

"And... forgive me if I'm being unhelpful.... however given we're picking territories for these short-lists based on how non-Sicilian people look, presumably exactly which communities do have large local presence might have some bearing on which groups get short-listed, or is it as crude as no-whites on the night but anything else goes?"

"Er..."

"Because forgive me for not entirely grasping the wisdom of this policy if it means we have Asian Capos like Signor Vaz's mates in Afro-Caribbean areas and a prospective Jewish Capo in Little Ealing. There are a number of inter-community sensitivities to consider that go a little beyond Sicilian or not."

"Er... that's very helpful David... if you'll excuse me I have to go and help Signor Paddick with his latest recruiting exercise."

"So are we having short-lists for men of honour who like men of honour as well?" mutter previous heckler from deepest recess of room... "what about fat Capos..." propose another "already covered down your way..." interject person behind me who I pretty sure sound like Signor Opik... "thick ones?"... "my point again stands"....

Don Clegg, never one for minor details of such inter-Family debates, has left the room... I think it not bad idea... but maybe not for Little Sicily...

Mrs. Flinter and the General Obligation Board

2008-02-05T20:52:00.000Z

It most upsetting day in Little Sicily today. Little Billy O'Scrote, local ragamuffin who run the numbers for me in the Slums, come running into Territory Office.

"Signor Liberali, Signor Liberali, must come quickly the Gobblers are snatching dad's house..."

"The Gobblers?"

"There's a strange glamourous lady on the street with a gang of of thugs who say they from the Labouristi General Obligation Board. They say they going to make our home disappear."

I very disturbed to hear that this happening on patch that command my protection so I gather the boys and head to Slums.

(And by 'boys' Signora Christie-Smith, I mean representative mix of men and women from different ethnic backgrounds, cultural traditions with varied attitudes towards inflicting grevious bodily harm on Labouristi. Have to excuse self on disabled-inclusion though, it not pretty sight last time we try that)

When we get there I see various members of community cowering in middle of street as Labouristi gather lighted firebrands and look as if preparing to throw through windows of their homes. Standing a little way off wearing a fur-trimmed white coat is lady Billy mention. Glamorous, but with cold dead eyes starring impassionately at terror she create. Remind me little of Don Brown.

She notice us and indicate to Gobblers to stop what doing and form protective cordon.

I indicate to caporegime to advance in line.

"What going on here and who are you?" I ask angrily. Lady come forward little way.

"Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mrs. Flinter and I am here doing the work of the Authority. You have no right to interfere."

"I am 'the Authority' here, and you and your generally obnoxious board have precisely 30 seconds to start leaving or experience a widely diverse range of pain."

"But these people are unemployed. And according to their contracts with the Authority their homes are forfeit." She say waving some papers at me.

"Contracts?Billy? Mr. O'Scrote?"

A terrfied Mr. O'Scrote come forward. "It terrible Signor Liberali, they come round last year with contracts saying we must sign or others more deserving would have our homes."

"And you no tell me about this then?"

"They were quite insistent about the danger to our personal safety of mentioning this, what they called a trial run, to anyone not involved. Mrs. O'Scrote still has a limp. I try really hard to meet terms of contract, even get a job at bank call centre, not my fault it turn out to be Northern Rock."

I glower at Mrs. Flint. She smile unpleasantly.

"So this contract?" I say "It say family member must have job or lose their home".

"That right" she say beaming.

"Well Little Billy here work for me, as do all other kids on this street, in fact they all part of my cugine apprenticeship scheme. Today's on-job training is due to be health and safety demonstration of danger of using inflammable materials around unsuitable clothing. Your coat sure look protective, is it fireproof? Would we like to find out childr... I mean colleagues?"

She not smirking now. But expression change again to one of strange cold triumph.

"Mr. O'Scrote, may I congratulate your son on his entrepreneurship, the Authority will be pleased to learn that our persuasive programme has been a complete success. Do ensure you pay minimum wage to your new recruits Signor Liberali. I do hope that your business will not incur any sudden downturns that require me to return."

Several vans appear from nowhere and Mrs. Flinter and her thugs pile in, zooming off at high speed towards Westminster.

Grateful urchins crowed round, tears of gratitude in parent's eyes.

"When's payday" say Billy, as single unit they hold out hands.

The heat is off

2008-01-31T21:40:00.000Z

I host meeting of Liberali Euro Enforcers in Little Sicily tonight. It not warm but I want to show off new garden grill, so we hosting outside on terrazzino, using patio heaters to keep out the chill. To help out, my friend Capo 'Supertram' Mulholland, serving the drinks. It task we occasionally give to junior Capos as it important they learn to show respect before being allowed to rise up the ranks in the Inner Circle.

Guests arrive one by one. There's Signora Lynne of the Rochdale Cyrils, the Baroness, 'Glasgow Slasher' Attwooll, Badboy Billy, Signora 'Cheery' Bowles, the other Baroness, 'Mumbles' Duff, 'Wildchild' Wallis, 'Junky' Davies, and 'Euronut' Watson who currently leader of group.

This group of hardened killers responsible for massacre of many of our opponents. Although no danger to me, I still feel shiver of terror down spine in presence of so much murderous talent. For instance, last man to cross Junky Davies end up fleeing to Conservatoris for protection after a ruthless massacre of his caporegime across the North West territories. I careful to greet each with care and attitude of humble respect, as they gather in garden.

"Alwight a*******s, any you old t*****s want a drink" say Supertram.

The Baroness not look amused

"A vino would be delightful" she say

"F****** choice" he say pouring a small glass "Get your gnashers round that grandma, and flop your a*** on a cushion."

"Charming..."

Euronut is looking at me in way he usually reserve for Signor 'Little Sicilian' Hannan of the Conservatori enforcers. Enforcers take a very dim view of bad language. Very traditional world they live in.

"Shall I load the c****** steaks on the barbie Don?" yell Supertram

"Er thank-you yes" I say as Enforcers, ignoring further offers of beverages, get down to business of discussing Reform covenant between the Euro families.

Not something I understand much about, but Don Clegg careful to explain to us all last week that it covenant not contract, although all the words the same, and this why best to let Enforcers get on with it rather than troubling wider Family. I no understand why this important either, but Don Clegg very clever man, so assume it for best.

Suddenly there knock at door and I remember we misssing 'Nanny' Hall, perhaps the most dangerous Enforcer of all. Only woman alive who can silence Don Clegg and Signor Huhne with a single look.

"Give it a f****** push, it's open" shout Supertram

An icy blast blow through house as Nanny make her way to garden.

"Hello Fiona" say Euronut "do take a seat, we were just discussing the key matter of the qualified subsidiarity proportionality test to the allocation of turf-rights in the distribution of cross-border sub-prime transaction swindles, and Signor Liberali was flipping burgers."

"I will not seat myself in proximity to the devil heaters" she say

"Um... what?" say Euronut

Nanny lift accusing finger towards patio heaters. "The devil heaters" she wail "the symbol of Hades that burns the vapours of the emtombed trees of ages past, polluting our skies with prehistoric carbon. It must not burn!... It must not burn!..."

"Burger?" I say

"Aieeeeieieieiei" she scream "animal charred on the griddle of Satan, take me away from this place of evil."

"c*******-hellfire" contribute Supertram

"Perhaps it would be prudent to turn off the garden equipment?" suggest Euronut

This I do and Nanny appear to calm down.

"I will chew an organic carrot while I compose myself" she say.

So we return to meeting. Everyone soon wretched with cold, and less than satisfied by salad with ice-crystals forming on tomatoes.

But no-one appear to have heart to move inside after I indicate might have 100W halogen light-bulbs in every room and 1970s chest freezer in kitchen likely to set Nanny off again.

Still least Supertram go quiet, so maybe some benefit to this simpler-way after all.

Signor Paddick win over taxi thugs

2008-01-29T23:20:00.000Z

I increasingly impressed with Signor Paddick's plans to assassinate and replace the Magisterium. Turn out today he win over support of Licensed Taxi Drivers mob, one of London's most vicious and privileged cartels.

The LTD first established their control over London's drive and hire racket when their predecessor the Coachmob received licence to beat up their rivals in the hired sedan chair trade in 1639. They doing the same today with their assault on the rickshaw trade, and unlicensed private-hire cars who LTD claim are all rapists or foreigners or both.

They just about tolerate the licenced private-hire car gangs (just foreign, probably not rapists), but ensure that they not allowed to pick up people from street since due to being bit foreign they don't have 'The Knowledge', an obscure qualification that mean you know slightly less about London streets than average TomTom.

Brian wisely assess that several thousand angry men who don't like foreigners, memorise AtoZ for fun, and have roomy boots, more important to his mission than bunch of students on unfashionable third-world bicycles - you ever seen rickshaw involved in drive-by hit?

Signor Livingstone going to be very nervous man crossing road.

Conservatori Family Values

2008-01-29T20:40:00.000Z

Although I life-long Liberali I do try keep up good relations with other Families where possible. Only this weekend for example I down in Eastbourne visiting old friend Signor Waterstone the Conservatori buttonman for retiring the elderly.

Signor Waterstone is traditional Conservatori who believe in Family values. He bewailing to me state of cugine.

"It's ghastly Liberali, I don't know what to make of young people today."

"What you mean Nigel?" I say

"Well look at the teenagers running around at the moment, no discipline at all. Sure they steal, they rob, they mug, didn't we all, but there's no elegance to it. They have no respect for the old ways."

"Sure Nigel, but what can we do about it, different world these days."

"It's about example Liberali." he say rising angrily from his leatherbound club chair "Samantha! Crispin! downstairs now!"

Two rather dishellved young people enter the room. I rather concerned to see Crispin has a black-eye.

"These are my children Liberali. When they misbehave or break the Family's rules I subject them to reasonable chastisement."

I detecting look in Samatha's eyes that suggest some debate about how 'resaonable'. Crispin appear to wince when Nigel walk past him swinging his arms in his military way.

"Now some parents might believe that a stern word is sufficient. Perhaps they believe in the naughty step... or the hoodie recruiting step as we call it in this household... Not I sir... oh no... we do not spare the rod in this house... nor the baseball bat... nor quite often a set of bicycle chains... or spell in the Family dungeon learning the error of our ways next to the rotting corpses of those that cross Don Cameron."

I beginning to think my friend Nigel not all there up top as he get increasingly wild-eyed and starey. Samatha is anxiously looking towards front door.

"And what is the result Sir... you may well ask... fine upstanding decent children... young people who uphold our ways... no wide-boy gang members here... no Sir... no granny-bashing young thugs... oh no... happy-slapping you say... they'd rather spend a night at the opera with their grandparents... these are young adults who respect the Family"

"Actually Dad," say Crispin "We've just reported you to the Untouchables for sadistic abuse. They should be here imminently with the team from the child witness protection service."

I quietly make way toward back door and leg it over fence, leaving Signor Waterstone opening and shutting mouth like guppy. Suspect next time I see him might be visiting hours. Hope he get better soon.

Back in Westminster find time to drop into office of other Conservatori pal Derek "conman" Conway.

"Ghastly man that Waterstone." say Derek "You can't treat children that way and expect them to grow up respecting the Family. Me I treat my children with love and kindness. Isn't that right Freddie?"

"Fuck off dad I'm revising."

"Ha ha, what a wit my boy can be. Seriously Freddie it would be awfully sweet if you'd get your daddy and guest some tea and biscuits. You are technically working for me today."

There is sound of grumbling next door as kettle plugged in. A surly teenager eventually come in and put two mugs of hot water in front of us with selection of used teabags and broken biscuits.

"Er I think I not thirsty" I say

Freddie scowl and hold out hand.

I look blankly at him.

He scowl at Derek

Derek shift around uncomfortably

"Um thank-you Freddie you may go now"

Freddie looks like he's holding his breath

"Daddy and his guest don't want a display Freddiekins"

Freddie is turning blue

"Oh for goodness sake" say Derek reaching into pocket and thrusting a tenner at him. On taking the money, Freddie skulk off to resume studies next door. That is if studies involve on-line poker and large supply of Pringles.

Derek look very miserable, so to help out I later report Freddie's behaviour to Family monitoring team in Westminster to ensure he get proper training in how to help his dad. It good to do favours for friends, even Conservatori.

Sure none wiser though on what they think of as Family values. Much better in Liberali Family, or so Mrs. Liberali tell me as I cook her evening meal, wash up, and put bambinos to bed.

Signor Paddick lay down law

2008-01-14T23:19:00.000Z

Signor Davey accompany me to have serious chat with Signor Paddick today.

"Signor Paddick, when we chose you to assassinate the Magisterium we did, if you recall explain to you some of the facts of the Family business."

Signor Paddick nod vigorously. "Is there a problem gentleman, nice suit by the way Ed, grey is definitely you."

"Problem... problem... well there is the small matter of your announcement today that you'd like to cut crime."

"Mmmm... yes?" I detect something of glassy-look in eyes. It look Signora Liberali tell me I have often when concentrating really hard on what she saying.

"Cutting crime Paddick, Family business... Family business, cutting crime... are you seeing the problem here?"

"Mmmm... I'm going to have to say no there Edward... would you like a Lambeth macaroon incidentally, they've got a smashing jammy bit in the middle..."

Signor Davey give strangled cry has hands start doing that clenching/unclenching thing I only see him do after talking to old Don Campbell. As he seem to be losing power to speak, I decide to be helpful

"You see, Brian, thing about Family business is, it mostly not very legal. Surprised you not know that, being an enforcer for 30 years. Although that does kind of explain why Lambeth Liberali faction have major boom time in puffy-puff trade when you running the show there."

"Oh isn't your memory just adorable" he say, connecting his knee with my midriff in surprisingly fast move, that leave me deciding to keel over sideways for little rest on carpet.

"Gentleman, the last two times you sent someone to dispatch the Magisterium, you did your usual bleeding-heart criminal thing. 'Oooh hark at us we're tough guys too'... 'come and have a go if you think you're butch enough Kenneth'... 'what about some compassion for the Family business'... it didn't work so well did it?"

I burble in agreement. Signor Davey is looking confused, or angry, or both.

"And did you see what happened there just now. Signor Liberali, thought he might get a little too close to me and disrespect me. Didn't you Signor" he stay demurely as he kick me in kidneys.

I choke an affirmative.

"That is also a mistake I intend to let Signor Livingstone make... You may not like my methods, they may even cause you pain sometimes," it seems my hand get in way of his foot as he pace around, and I can only concur... "but I'm here to do a job. And if making the Family uncomfortable helps me do it, that is what I'm going to do."

"So Signor Davey did you have any more questions or would you like to kindly fuck off so I can get on with organising this embarrassing amateur shambles you call a caporegime."

I really not sure I see Signor Davey turn that colour before, but he help me to my feet and we find urgent need to be elsewhere.

"I think I rather like him" I say "He remind me of Don Ashdown."

Racket reform

2008-01-13T22:53:00.000Z

Don Clegg been speaking this weekend about vision for Family.

"Paesano we must be bolder, clearer, and stronger, than ever before"

"Our ambition must be to break apart forever the two-Family system that has eroded the United Territories for too long."

"So I’m starting today by setting out some ideas on our rackets."

"We should never advocate change for the sake of it. But neither should we just be defenders of the status quo, and under my leadership we will not be."

"We are the only radical force amongst the Families. We must be the champions of new ideas: new ideas that will make our rackets better - more Liberali."

"As 2008 begins, we stand at a crossroads. Don Brown’s regime, barely six months old, already feels tired. More 10 year plans. More knee-jerk violence."

"Don Blair’s agenda for rackets was deeply flawed - timid in parts, unnecessarily violent in others. But under Brown - there is no agenda at all. He's quietly burying many of his predecessor's allies without spelling out who comes next."

"Hollywood Don Cameron hopes to persuade us that his Family is changing. But among it seems to me their instincts haven’t changed a bit. They claim to care about the weak and their ability to pay - but their only commitment so far is a cut in intimidation for their rich friends. They still want to make moral judgements about whether people should get married outside the Catholic faith or not. They’re still devoted to exclusive Family training. They're still focused on mercy for the lucky few - not wetting all our beaks."

"So much for Family mobility with the Conservatori."

"So there’s a gap in our business for a strong, protective, Liberali voice. We must fill it. And make the agenda of reforming the rackets, our agenda."

"But that means we need to challenge ourselves as much as we challenge others. We have long advocated more protection and more local control. With good reason too - ten years ago we were right to identify the crisis of insecure communities. We are right to condemn the pattern of over-centralisation of control."

"But times change. The last ten years has shown that raising protection isn't everything. The big questions now are these: how do we make the United Territories our thing, cosa nostra, without raising the overall burden of community insurance?"

"We need to stop just asking "how much", and to start thinking hard about "how". Marrying our proud traditions of 'right-on' and 'left-behind' Liberali, refusing to accept that one comes at the cost of the other. On that point, if not all others, the controversial Orange Edict was surely right."

'Too right' yell someone from audience who need to be taken away for quiet chat with Signor Laws and several leather-bound tomes of the Orange Edict tied to a large stick.

"This also means embracing a wider understanding of who runs things: not just for Capitani and Capo, but for cugine, the wounded, and our elders too. Power must be an everyday thing, not just reserved for the moment we need to have someone removed for non-payment."

"No-one in this room believes it’s acceptable that your ability to afford our protection is more determined by your parents’ income than anywhere else in the world. That means a child born in the poorest slums in Sheffield will be more likely to be hit for non-payment a full fourteen years earlier than a child born in the mansions near where I live a few miles away."

"The Labouristi believe that they must control everything. Liberali believe people must control themselves. As Signor Stuart Mill warned in 1859: A Family which treats their men of honour like children, even for beneficial purposes, will find that children are pretty lousy at taking care of business. They too short for a start, cry a lot, and can't use guns.' "

"Don Brown may have rejected direct control of all business. But he still believes he must control far too much. Just earlier this week, he was designing a initiative to "deep purge" every institution in the country. What next? Is he going to have a policy to personally put the "lights out" of every person that cross the Labouristi?"

"By contrast, I stand for these simple principles: The Family must intervene to allocate protection. The Family must intervene to guarantee access to our protection. And the Family must oversee the quality of that protection."

"But once those building blocks are in place, the Family must back off and allow the genius of local thugs to deliver. Give real power and responsibility to people on the front line - bringing an end to the faceless bureaucracies that make protection so impersonal."

"We will draw up plans for radically shrinking the size of all Don Brown's control agencies. This does not mean replacing thousands of those targeted by Don Brown with no one at all. We need minimum standards. Our enemies will be listed in a charter, and their termination will be monitored through independent inspection."

"I don’t think we should have such low standards for our hits that nailing about 20% of marks counts as a pass to become a made-man. It’s time to call a fail, a fail."

Where local enforcers take care of business they must also insist on high standards. I know some people might want me to stop right there. But I didn’t come into the Family just to transfer power from the Capo to the Capitani. That’s a necessary first step, but it is not an end in itself. We need to empower people who act for the Family every day."

"We know Capos can get in the way. But let’s not pretend that Capitani are blameless. They too can insist on unnecessary control. One of the outstanding qualities of the best Liberali Contrada is precisely their willingness to give power away."

"So, with these principles in mind, I want us to look at establishing a new Liberali model of training camps that are non-selective, under Capitani oversight but not run by the Contrada, and free to innovate to drive up standards. They could be established by any suitable sponsor with the right credentials, and by this I mean a truly vast amount of money that they're prepared to hand over to Signor Laws with minimum fuss."

"This new generation of training camps - let us call them Free Camps - will protect those who need most support; be accessible to all; and have the freedom from to innovate in the best interests of the cugine. Sometimes this may involve shooting the weak or disloyal, but not nearly as often as under the Labouristi or Conservatori."

"We also no longer want our wounded solidati to be treated as if they should be grateful recipients of inflexible, and sometimes second rate, Family care delivered from on high. I am totally committed to a national care scheme. It must always remain free at the point of use, accessible to all. But people need to be able to take more control. I want it to become a personal care scheme. So every wounded soldier should have a guarantee of treatment within a specified waiting time - paid for kicking in the door of a private clinic, if the waiting time is not met. Particularly if suffering driving them mental."

"On that note I have already made it clear to my inner-circle, particularly Signor Huhne, that any signs of madness can now be treated swiftly by dispatch to a suitable professional who will be able to assist them with their problems."

"So, in conclusion. An end to a controlling Family. More power and responsibility for local units. More power and responsibility for enforcers. More power and responsibility too for the people who use our protection. And greater space for real innovation in keeping the peace."

"This is the way to deliver a fair chance, and an equal stake in our Family. It is not only a Liberali agenda, it is what our people want. That is my vision for the Family. I hope all of us will work hard together today and in the crucial months ahead to deliver it."

Or this is what Signora Liberali tell me he said. I nod off shortly after heckler dragged away. It sure sound mighty impressive. Sure looking forward to enjoying new levels of local control, so long as the Don tell us what to do with it.

The difficulty of diversity.

2008-01-08T22:01:00.000Z

At meeting of Inner Circle tonight we taking opportunity of lull in activity by other Families to discuss internal matters. Don Clegg and team leafing through papers and suggestions from internal Family groups. Winter Newsletter of Liberali Womenfolk catch Don's eye.

"Interesting, it says in this article 'Multiple Minorities' that girls who like girls are disgracefully underrepresented in the rulings echelons of the Family. Apparently only one of our wannabe Capos, during last Mattanza, was such a person, whereas there were 21 wise guys who like guys."

Signor Oaten, who has been allowed in to serve the coffee and grappa, trip and drop the biscotti on the carpet.

"Careful Mark" say Knuckles, "I not want to put something unclean in my mouth, huh, huh, huh..."

"Most amusing Knuckles" say the Don. "Signor Oaten you can find fresh biscotti in the store cupboard."

"I shall prepare one for Signor Carmichael personally" he say, as he walks out.

"Moving back to business, I did say when I put myself forward to be your Don, that I would do more to address the issues of imbalance in the public face of the Family. This sounds like a project in that vein. Do I have any volunteers to recruit and vet more lesbians?"

Twenty male hands shoot up

"Er... yes... excellent enthusiasm gentleman... anyone else... Signora Teather?"

"What the hell are you suggesting Don?" she say turning crimson

"Um... I was simply inquiring whether you'd like to take on this additional responsibility."

"No I bloody wouldn't, I've quite enough my plate taking care of the Business rackets. I didn't need a bloody support committee to prove myself..." and with that she stomp out crushing the biscotti into Axminster.

"Er Don..." say Knuckles "I'd like to propose Signora Willott... and Signora Goldsworthy... together... maybe it be to much for one Capo to handle." Signor Browne appear to be having difficulty breathing, as do number of other Capo.

Don Clegg give Knuckles a hard stare.

"I get the sense... gentleman... that some of you are not taking my diversity initiatives seriously." Signor Browne, who has turned unfortunate shade of purple, fall sideways off chair and get covered in crumbs.

"Perhaps 'No men by 2010' could run another talent-spotting contest" he say picking self up and dusting off almonds, "Maybe on Internet so they'd be easy to find"

Don Clegg give him another hard stare.

"You may leave gentleman. I can see I will need to consult more widely on this matter"

"I can lend you some magazines" yell an indistinct voice as we file out, shaking slightly. Pretty sure I hear grappa bottle hitting door as we leave. Diversity sure is dangerous issue that raise the blood.

Don shakes up our war-planners

2008-01-08T19:12:00.000Z

As part of process of shaking up Family to take us out of comfort zone Don Clegg announce new appointments.

"First, to bring new thinking into the way we defend the Family I am reappointing Signor Rennard to manage our general planning. His vision of innovative continuity is exactly what we need to refresh our fighting capability with new traditional thinking."

"Second to ensure a consistent show of force, I am dispensing with a single leading planner and appointing Signor 'Whippy' Stunell to manage our Capitani, Wee Willie Rennie to corral the Capos, and Signor Davey to plan the planning committee."

"This 'overlapping consistency' will help reduce the problem under my predecessors where no one had any clear idea who was responsible for taking decisions. Now if there is a turf war in the slums of old Hallam it clearly a matter for Signor Stunell... unless a Labouristi Capo is involved in which case it become a matter for Wee Willie... unless there's more than one, in which case you must call Signor Rennard."

"If there is any doubt who to call you must call Signor Davey, who will call Signors Rennard, Stunell and Rennie... or me, and then I will call Wee Willie, or Signor Stunell, or get Signor Rennard to call them both, perhaps consult with Signor Davey to see who to call... I hope that is clear."

"Just in case it isn't I have hired Chris Bones, an expert in drawing very large and complicated charts with very exciting colours and shapes, to ensure this Family's planning capability can be explained in PowerPoint which he assures me is currently the greatest barrier between us and victory over our opponents. Some of my colleagues have expressed doubts about Signor Bones capability to understand our Family ways. However when he showed them how he billed his clients they were very reassured."

"Finally to ensure I receive the best possible independent advice on whether I should call Signor Bones, Signor Davey, Signor Rennard, Wee Willie or Signor Stunell I have appointed Jonathon 'The Impaler' Sharkey as my special advisor on communicating with planners. Jonathon has recently returned from a spell in sing-sing after his successful prosecution of a campaign for the Vampires, Witches & Pagans Family in downtown Minnesota. A logical progression from his previous role advising Signora Thatcher of the Conservatori."

Signor Sharkey inspire the troops

"In making these appointments I hope we can look forward to glorious future of clarity and effective planning. Drawing a line under the confusions of the past. Anyone who doesn't like that can take it up with Signor Sharkey. That is all."

It sure is great to know Family modernising for better tomorrow.

Poverty is blight on Family

2008-01-03T21:59:00.000Z

We discussing poverty with the Don today.

"Poverty, gentleman..." there is irritable cough at back of room "sorry, ladies, gentleman and the transgendered, thank-you for reminding me Signor Heath... is a blight on the Family business."

Signor Clegg paces around room as he speak

"The poor, gent... assembled paesano, are denied opportunities available to the rest of us, through no great fault or circumstance other than the accident of their birth. Consequently I am procuring the services of Signor Narey of the League against Orphans, Waifs & Strays to begin a study for the Family into how we can address this great injustice."

"Wouldn't the poor be less poor if we stopped stealing from them?" ask Signor Laws

"A fine question David, and as I'm sure you appreciate it pains me deeply to see a family laid low by the pittance we charge them for essential protection work. This evidently must stop."

"Instead we must work on improving their lot so they can afford to pay our reasonable rates of protection. This is the only sustainable solution to poverty for the Family."

"Happily Signor Narey's organisation has been thriving on making a business from the destitute for many decades. He has much to teach us."

This all sound good to me. The boys... ladies, and people confused about what wobbly bits they like, in Little Sicily, pretty of sick slogging around slums to collect small payments from mothers with adorable wide-eyed toddlers expertly trained in special pleading.

Much easier to collect from workplace or union dues. For that we need people in meaningful jobs. Hope I get to work with Signor Narey on his study.

Advertisers marked for death

2007-12-31T11:17:00.000Z

Don Clegg sure full of great new ideas. Another announcement fly out of il Padrino's office today.

"Nothing is more important to the future of the Family than our precious bambinos. And nothing is more pernicious to the future of our children than the scourge of the modern-day Fagins in the advertising industry, who prey on their innocence with offers of Cheesy McNuggets, Triple thick-shakes, and extra-large McFlurry Sundaes.

Sometimes they even enhance their offers with plastic representations of what my friend Mr. Eno tells me are popular children's characters like Harry Potter, JaJa Binks and Lembit Opik.

Only yesterday I was sitting down a breakfast of organic cheeses and home-baked nut-bread, that I had prepared for Mrs. Clegg and the children, when my youngest demanded a Triple Sausage McMuffin with Curly Fries.

I was so angry I put six bullets into our plasma screen TV, as most sensible parents under unbearable pressure would, and have banned them from watching Horrid Henry... unless they cry a lot, in which case they can watch Bratz... on DVD, when Signor Alexander has replaced the television.

Advertising to children is a blight on the modern Family. Consequently the Directors of several publicity agencies have been marked as legitimate targets until such a time as my toddler stops making unreasonable demands for Happy Meals and mini-Whoppers.

This does not include my friend Gavin Grant, whose company Burson-Marsteller has an entirely wholesome relationship with popular toys of high educational value."

Da Big Talk

2007-12-29T22:10:00.000Z

Well it sure exciting to be taken out of comfort zone once again. Only couple of weeks into leadership of Don Clegg and he announce new initiative, Da Big Talk, to bury hatchets between the Families.

This totally original idea for Liberali Family. It not like us to demand a big committee meeting to sort out problems. Or have not much in the way of clue what we want out of big chat, other than to be there nattering in first place.

Already I anticipate cugine and solidati will be rising from slumber to cheer brave dawn of this inspirational idea. Don Brown and Hollywood Don Cameron will not know how to respond to the wave of popular cheering that will greet this electrifying call to sit down and have nice cups of tea for several years before actually deciding anything.

Hooray for brave new world of Liberali Family... moving forward not backward... unless that what Big Talk say we should do... after due consideration... in fullness of time... talking to outside world... not each other...

Don Clegg Christmas message

2007-12-25T12:08:00.000Z

Don Clegg ask me to convey Christmas message to Liberali Family:

"Fratelli, it gives me great pleasure on this Winterva... I mean Christmas Day to thank-you for all your hard-work for the Family. It is important on this day, to remember the essential of message of Christmas. A message for which I have great respect, even if I don't necessarily believe it. The message of giving.

A theme then of my leadership of the Family will be social justice. It is simply wrong for the Families to be stealing more from the poor than we do from the rich. While I don't believe in crimes of envy, I have great respect for those that do, and consequently we must redouble our efforts to redress the imbalance. I do not want to hear any more reports from the street of soldati preying on the meek, vulnerable and homeless, although there maybe some exceptions.

Another theme of leadership will be education. Nothing is more important to me than education, except social justice, which is nearly as important as education. I hope that is clear.

It is simply wrong at this stage of the 21st century that thousands of inductees to the Family are living lives filled with ignorance and poverty as a result of decades of Labouristi and Conservatori dogma dictating the way we educate our cugine.

It is important we return control over mentoring of our young to the streets where they belong. Unless that results in unequal outcomes, at which point we will introduce brutal central control at the earliest opportunity. I hope the consistency, distinctiveness and uniqueness of that approach, taking us out of comfort zones, is as inspiring as it is daunting in this new era of Family professionalism.

I would once again like to thank the Family for their loyalty, particularly Signor Huhne whose warm endorsement of my authority and friendship is the greatest gift I could have hoped for this Yuletide. We hope our gift of a single lump of coal to warm the Huhne-Cave this winter will be both welcomed and a sound reminder of our social justice challenge ahead.

Happy Holiday and Seasonal Greetings, one and all

Don Clegg"

First meeting of new Inner Circle

2007-12-20T22:18:00.000Z

As day draw to close new Inner Circle of Capos gather in Cowley war room. Standing room only for some as senior team expanded to include half of Family Capos. I get to keep old job, turn out in my absence Little Sicily caporegime organise big party for postmen that been collecting and delivering notes of loyalty to decide who be Don. Seem to been very good party since some notes still only turning up this week. Oddly this appear to please the Don.

"Ladies, gentleman, welcome" say Don Clegg "I am glad to see so many of you here. Old hands, new faces, those of you who supported me and those of you only lately persuaded. We have much to do...."

I begin to nod off as the Don repeat well rehearsed speech. Through half-haze of waking-sleep I look around room at winners and losers in regime change.

Old-Don Campbell not here of course, although he spending his time reviewing our military capacity. "I get to think about who needs to be shot and how quickly", he tell me cheerfully on phone last night. I then pretty sure he start humming "I got a little list, and they'll none of them be missed".

Signor Huhne is there of course, he thanking Don Clegg for his new role in old job as Capo for Criminal Affairs. "The Don was wise to recognise that this has become an area of significant weakness for us. I will do my best to repair the damage." His ally Signora Featherstone standing at back looking bit grumpy. She been given post looking after Troubled Cugine.

Signor Opik, who also get moved from Rackets to Slums, in better spirits. Before meeting going round colleagues doing routine I no understand. He say "Who's this..." he then flick his hair, scowl, and say "Cugine? Am I bothered... face... bothered... bothered... face..." Colleague then look clueless... and he say "I'm Signora Featherstone" before bursting into hysterical laughter.

He very odd.

Wee Willie Rennie new on the team to prove we still like Sicilians in kilts after ditching Don Kennedy and Don Campbell. He get to organise high-level intimidation sessions. He great, he only Capo in Family able to carry bag of coal that weigh about same as Signora Teather up mountain, despite only being 4 ft tall, and carrying an Uzi in his sporran.

Signora Kramer and Signor Baker have swapped roles. He now Getaway Cars and she now Family Values, although this now awfully confusing with Don not being Catholic. Signor "The Professor" Webb gets Enviro-rackets, Signora Goldsworthy gets to shoot Capitani that misbehave, Signor Moore back in old Smuggling Development role, reporting to Signor Davey who now his boss, and Signor Browne, Capo Don Ashdown liked to call Mini-me, join Signor Cable's team to help with Money Laundering. All else unchanged.

"and that concludes this meeting" say Don Clegg "thank you for attending one and all and keeping your snoring to a minimum Signor Liberali."

It good to be thought of as special by the Don.

Don's desktop

2007-12-20T16:03:00.000Z

Signor Graham so pleased by advert for 'hot-gossips' contest, he tag me in diary-game.

I regret humble interweb skills not up to taking picture of whole desktop. Besides little worried old-Don Campbell might recognise leather-embossed olive-wood item that appear suddenly in Liberali family home-office yesterday. Not sure why there list of Capos in drawer either with word Bastardos at the top.

Still able to share picture I use as backdrop on iMac, it snapshot Capo Davey send me from his holiday in New York last year. He most upset, says his sympathetic attempts to dress like locals not go down at all well. He now though looking forward to getting out dressing-up box all over world in new role as Smuggling Shadow.

In spirit of game though I tag Shorty, Nogeek, Hapless, Polecat, and The Knife.

Exciting news - even more gossip awards!

2007-12-20T13:04:00.000Z

Well seem "No men by 2010" really start something with great idea to schism annual Diary Control awards. Now other important sub-committees of Liberali Family internal power-structure want to get in on act with own competitions.

Cowley Printworks is buzzing with rumours we soon to have awards ceremonies for:

Best gossip by an asylum seeker, hosted by "Liberali for less Sicilians"

Queenie bitch of the year award, hosted by "Liberali Gay Mafia"

Best gossip by student with nothing better to do that write diary all day while pretending to study, and whining about debt before blowing loan on cyber-sex in Second Life, hosted by "Liberali Cugine"

Most exciting gossip about saving local Post Office, hosted by "Liberali Association of Local Capitani"

Gossip that make us look like professionals, hosted by "Liberali Wannabe-Capo Association"

Any mention of us whatsoever, hosted by "Liberali Agitants & Thugs"

Liberali Union Thugs, Association of Liberali Pointy-Heads, and Liberali Flat-Landers also thinking about joint award ceremonies for any gossip by their members that understood in outside world.

Biggest problem been for Liberali Tree-huggers who want to hold awards for any gossip distributed without using electricity.

Commenting on exciting new progress Signor "Tango" Alexander, Don Clegg's new Consigliore say

"Naturally the Don is delighted that the first response to his call to reach outside the Family to reconnect with intimidating issues that matter to real people, is for an outbreak of introspective self-congratulation on the part of the Family's valuable quangos. It gives him real inspiration and hope for the struggles ahead."

Who is best looking gossip in Family?

2007-12-20T11:11:00.000Z

In brave new world of change Family now going through the "No men by 2010" sub-committee of the Committee for Diary Control, have great idea.

Today they launch competition to address problem of unfair perception that most Liberali diarists extremely unattractive.

To help the 'No men' team with their work. They like you to nominate in the following categories

Hottest Liberali gossip that not Signor 'shorty' Tall or any other man
Best bit of gossip by a Liberali that make you all hot and bothered under collar (no men or elephants)
Hottest gossip outside Liberali Family, although this might already be won. Again no men, monkeys, or other life-forms.

The winners, who be judged by team of really important former beauty-queens, professional gossips, and Signor Graham, will be blessed by chance to appear in lots of photos with Don Clegg to promote new Family values of inclusion, diversity and exceptional dentistry.

There also going to be 'Family choice' award that be decided by wider Family community, using a swoonometer.

I really excited by this new progressive contest, but Signora Liberali ban me from researching who I nominate.

Spend too much time already on diary and interweb she say. So all humble man of honour can do is encourage you, my fellow Liberali, to make your nominations to this link

Don Clegg not a Catholic

2007-12-20T10:39:00.001Z

So Don Clegg not a Catholic, this no big deal, even for man like me who like to spend more time in confession box than on witness stand. Last Don we have little too close to God for taste of Family, one before had habit of telling us he'd spoken to supreme being directly after visions accompanied by strange headaches the next day, and Don Ashdown thought he was God.

This switch to atheism may be refreshing change. And besides Signora Clegg still bringing up Clegg bambinos in right way, so I still send Clegg family Christmas card with nice pictograph of prodigal son returning to family in end.

We also now have Brian Eno teaching the Don about Cliff Richard so he not embarassed by any paparazzi asking him about his favourite Christmas number ones. This year I backing Bleeding Love for top slot, it certainly has Signor Rennard boogieing around Printworks today.

Down with the kids

2007-12-19T23:50:00.000Z

We sitting round in Don Campbell's old office today as Don Clegg moves in. Signor "the Shadow" Grant is clearing weird pictures off the wall and Herend pottery animals into big box. He drop small pheasant on floor.

"Never mind," I say "it only old one, not in great condition, not like you break one of new shiny cats."

"Not for want of effort" I pretty sure I here Signor Davey mutter from other end of office. Signor Grant scowl at us both.

Don Clegg come in accompanied by some bloke I pretty sure I see on Crystal Maze many years ago.

"Gentleman really great you could join me today. Let me introduce you to Brian. Brian say hello to Signors Liberali, Davey and Grant. Brian, boys, is a real rock star."

"That great," I say "Don Campbell was always banging on about Arctic Monkeys, you with them?"

"No, Nick is very kind but I'm more of a producer these days, I used to be Roxy Music."

We look blank.

"Er... Virgina Train... For your pleasure... Brian Ferry..."

"Oh yeah," I interject "Ferry cross the Mersey... that brilliant song"

Brian clearly impressed by my knowledge as he look wide-eyed towards Don Clegg.

"Thank-you Don Liberali, but history is not all that important right now, we are here to look forward not backwards. Brian has come to help advise us on reaching out to the young and disaffected."

We looking blank again.

"The thing is gentlemen, the Liberali are out of touch. We talk to ourselves. We need to reach outside our comfort zones and talk to the next generation, our youth, the dispossessed, to those who don't see any need to engage with the Family. Brian can help us do that."

"You saying he know all about doing business touching dispossessed children comfort zones?" I ask "Belgium Family did something like that a while back. Not end well though. Family really not going to be happy about this Padrino?"

Signor Grant drop whole box of pottery. Everyone starring at me taking in gravity of dangerous situation.

"Er no Signor Liberali this is about a building new kind of Family not child prostitution. This is Brian Eno not Gary Glitter."

"Oh"

"It maybe better if you help Signor Grant with the pottery for the next few minutes before we head off to Rotherhithe. Thank-you for your help."

So I got to meet real live rock star today who going help us reconnect with young people into same music I was. It sure is exciting being taken out of comfort zones.

The Godfather Part II

2007-12-18T23:37:00.000Z

It sure nice of new Don Clegg to release me from small cell under Cowley Printworks where I been special guest of his intimidation team ever since I reveal my intention not to reveal who I back for top job.

They pleased to inform me also that my 512 selectors in Little Sicily decide en masse to back Don Clegg today so that my loyalty to new regime not in doubt. Signora Liberali apparently very helpful in securing my safe return by gathering support personally, not always at gun-point.

I got to say though that compared to team-Huhne these Cleggies are bunch of candy-assed softies when it comes to intimidation. You know where you are with the Huhnies. When I say to Signor Oakeshott that I thinking about decision, he smack me in the face, knee me in groin and yell insults about my mother at me for good half hour. He good man. Signora Featherstone force me to listen to endless tape of local residents in Horny Green talking about broken pavements until my ears bleed and I screaming for mercy. She mighty impressive at getting a point across.

Signor Allen on other hand offer me nice cup of tea and sticky bun. Signors Greenland, Wright, and Sherlock try and create an air of menace by making cell dank and miserable, but Signor Allen keep creeping in with fluffy pillows and insisted on installing anti-SAD sunlamp. I so confused by end of six weeks that I now not sure who I supported.

Still we now all move on united. Signor Huhne issue statement

"I am fucking delighted to be serving under the wise-leadership of Don Clegg. Hoo-fucking-ray for the Don. Huzzey fetch my cheering baton, I feel like doing a march of joy for the fucking leader of men we now have amongst us. Whoopee-fucking-do."

Don Clegg say:

"I am ambitious for the Liberali Family and filled with with confidence that we can go forward together united, even the sour-faced grumpy old man whose Family career is now considered over by every serious commentator, despite no doubt playing an important role in my new regime... for now!"

It sure is good to be part of new dawn for Family. I pleased I back right man, whoever that was.

What about the young criminals?

2007-11-05T21:35:00.000Z

Don Brown sure getting desperate to stop rise of other Families against his ailing and failing Labouristi. Latest stunt Capo Balls announce that he going to put the frighteners on any young people who no stay in school until they 18.

This bad news for us. The sooner we start cugine on road of honour, more likely it is that they become made in the Family.

Last thing we need is bored listless youths come to us late, brainwashed with qualifications in town planning and web-design, when they could have been smuggling tobacco for two years. Who we going to sell knock-off fags to if young people all in school, not working down docks or skimming welfare?

So much for joined-up thinking. Labouristi sure not paying attention when they in school I think. Only Liberali family care about plight of young criminals.

Labouristi 'just a bunch of crooks'

2007-11-04T14:41:00.000Z

Signor Huhne sure not pulling his punches in highlighting how life be different if he become Don of Family.

Today he announce to world:

"I'm sick of the hypocrisy in the mafia. It is completely evident that the Labouristi are a bunch of corrupt criminals who have been selling Family membership. If I am wrong let them sue me."

Great-grandad Liberali joined Family in 1920s when Don Welshie sold him a place in the Old Capo's Home. But times change, Families all agree this not good business, and I earn my place in old fashioned way.

Signor Huhne is right, last thing we need is bunch of Labouristi criminals bringing men of honour into disrepute.

Ban the Mattanza

2007-10-29T09:04:00.000Z

As one of few remaining Capos not declared for either the Carbonator or BabyDon, their entourages sure spend a lot of time trying to get my attention. On Saturday I sitting in cafe with Signors "Shameless" Huzzey and "Dr. Evil" Oakeshott who backing the Carbonator.

"The thing is Liberali", say Shameless "we need a Don with the vision to succeed and experience to lead. Signor Huhne, as you know has provided the Family with most of our best ideas of the last few years, and now he leading on bringing peace between the families by proposing we rule out any return to the Mattanza of the 1980s."

"What unilaterally?" I say

"Not exactly" interject Dr. Evil "Clearly we still need a deterrent of some kind. However the Mattanza is an outdated concept. The old war is over. We're no longer in a world of extremes. Today's threats are more nuanced. Would you like me to explain to you about nuanced threats Liberali?"

I thinking probably not.

"What Signor Oakeshott is saying" continue Shameless "is there's no point us mimicking Labouristi and Conseratvori. We need to be distinctive. The Mattanza threat no longer protects business like it used to. Only Signor Huhne has the strength of leadership to deliver a new solution."

"Well I sure think about it" I say, flicking notes on table as I head for exit

"Not for too long I hope Liberali..." mutter Dr. Evil "...the Mattanza has a way of catching up with you if you think about it too much."

Sunday I hanging around outside Cowley Printworks, missing Signora Campbell, my usual smoking partner, when I accosted by two of BabyDon's men, Nice Guy Ricky and Gavin "the Shadow" Grant.

"Liberali" say Ricky "smashing to see you, I was just to saying to Signor Clegg how super it would be if you could come and join us for a caramel macchiato soon. I've just been showing Gavin here how to find one on my wonderful new GPS Starbucks locator..."

"Yes it's a fucking delight." interrupt the Shadow "Anyhow we can't stop long we have some work to do on Signor Clegg's message to the Family. I'm thinking the 'United Territories Liberali Future' should be the over-arching theme... but don't let me bore you with my excessively technical communications jargon."

"You mean like old Signor Oaten fan-club?" I say "That sure brave decision given what happen to him."

"No Liberali" he say through gritted teeth "This is an entirely different proposition based on taking us out of our comfort zones and ending the inward looking naval-gazing."

Strangely these words do not dispel image of Signor Oaten's misfortune.

"For example" say Ricky, gently patting the Shadow on the forearm until he unclenches his fists, "This business with ruling out the use of the Mattanza. Signor Clegg agrees with that of course, but it can't be us acting alone. Real peace requires establishing multilateral agreement with our enemies. It's the easiest thing in the world to declare you're abandoning the old ways. Real leadership requires understanding how to deliver radical change, not just talking about it."

"And the ruthless punishment of traitors." conclude the Shadow "I sincerely hope you will not be giving us any grounds for suspecting your loyalty Liberali. Personally I'd welcome the opportunity to have a 'cause for' moment with some of the old lags, but perhaps it will not be necessary?"

"You can rely on me" I say dropping fag ash all over my shoes, before finding urgent need to be elsewhere, "I no want to experience Mattanza from anyone."

I sorely impressed by both camps ideas and powers of persuasion.

Save our local Badgers

2007-10-22T23:12:00.000+01:00

We big problem today that distract attention from amicable big fun process to choose new Don of Liberali Family. Turn out Labouristi get wise to scam we running to ferry essential pharmaceutical products to deprived rural communities.

Initially scam seem like really good idea. I out with Capo 'Jolly' Roger Williams in Little Sicily one day enjoying selling his organic apple moonshine he bring in from Llandrindod Wells. I not remember much about that day but at some point we get to talking about risks of smuggling various things past Untouchables and what to do about it.

Lot of stray animals in Little Sicily, result of dog-fighting breeding programme gone wrong, so at some point we end up experimenting tying little parcels underneath them see if we can train them to deliver. It not work bad. Particularly pleased when they respond to commands to bite nosey men in uniform who get too curious.

Jolly though say to me:

"Liberali, we don't have so many dogs in RaddyBrek, but we sure got lot of badgers. I've been training them to deliver my Focus Threats for years... strikes me that while it's unaffordable to send cugine to sell special Family products to isolated rural villages and farmers, the badger-express could be just the ticket..."

So anyway rest history. We nearly thought game up four years ago when former top Labouristi enforcer in Wales Ron Davies reported to be watching for our badgers in motorway layby we sometimes used for reloading the parcels.

Happily it turn out he just cruising for rough sex with strangers.

Although sure gave some of boys a shock when the explanation offered for their own presence in layby - 'looking to strap a package on a badger', elicited quite an unexpected response from Signor Davies.

Anyhow now turn out that side-effect of national network of 'Liberali badger-express rural relief programme' appear to have infected half of cattle in Territories with TB, so public-spirited Labouristi currently considering auctioning rights to deal with problem to the assorted badger haters in the National Union of Mammal-Stranglers.

It not help much that old Capo for RaddyBrek Signor Livesey, now residing in Old Don's Home greet news by grabbing baseball bat and cheering "Let me at the stripy-rat buggers, I'll give'em what for, what"... but otherwise we united.

Besides I have great idea, we going to train badgers to vaccinate cattle, we call it National Badger Service Direct. That no work, well there always ferrets.

Don Liberali will not be standing for Don of Liberali

2007-10-21T21:32:00.000+01:00

It with regret I announce that despite entreaties of fellow Capos and paesan in Little Sicily and wider Territories I will not be putting myself forward for Don of Liberali Family.

My decision have nothing to do with alleged rumour of offer of top job in inner circle of either Signor "BabyDon" Clegg or Signor "Carbonator" Huhne. I man of principle. And while I appreciate many paesan want more choice in competition. I old Liberali, I no like either choice or competition. So forget about it.

Further I just like to say I appreciate BabyDon and Carbonator's comments to me about wanting to move on from nasty image Family develop under previous Don. As sign of new way forward, Signor Huhne already release Signora Liberali from hospitality suite in Huhne-Cave, and Signor Clegg agree to unshackle me from radiator in Cowley Print-works. I grateful to both.

I sure whatever happen next Liberali Family will soon choose new Don, and no person or dog have to get hurt like bad old days under Don Thorpe.

Hancock's half hour

2007-10-16T23:46:00.000+01:00

I with Capo 'KallKwik' Burstow, a Family enforcer, baby-sitting Capo Hancock today who appear to have gone slightly loopy-loo following Don Campbell vanishing act yesterday.

"It business not personal Mike," he say "only Don Cable has instructed me to ensure Capo Liberali hits you with this rather big stick every time you put foot in mouth about your colleagues... until you stop doing it."

"Ah ha... then you're one of them... oh yes you are..." say Capo Hancock

"And who is 'them' Mike?"

"The plotters, the filthy shits who bought down Don Camp..."

WHACK!

"I really not enjoy this Mike" I say

"They're conspiring in dark corners you know... whispering... lurking... smirking... bringing about our doom..."

WHACK!

"This hurt me more than it hurt you"

"I can see the black helicopters mummy... it's plotters in choppers... they're spinning in circles around meeee..."

WHACK! CRRRACK!

"now I break old stick Mike, see what you've done"

"Yooouuu just hate the stick because it's old... what's wrong with an old stick... an old stick has just as much right to be a piece of wood as a sapling... now you're plotting against the stick..."

SLAP!

"Please try and concentrate Mike", say KallKwik "Don Campbell has just been on telephone to the Family talking about why paparazzi to blame for making his job impossible."

"burble"

"Better, what are you not going to do tomorrow when we let you out of the basement?"

"burble"

"An answer that will suffice for now. Thank-you Mike, please feel free to nibble the furniture while you contemplate Family discipline tonight."

I dispatched to go find new stick for tomorrow... just to be sure...

Don Campbell go missing

2007-10-16T01:37:00.000+01:00

Well it pretty exciting today in Cowley Printworks. This afternoon I chatting with Signor Davey by windows in Boardroom when we see two masked men load a tarten carpet into van by door and drive off at high speed.

Hour or so later Singors Cable and Hughes call meeting of Family Capos and looking very grave announce to us Don Campbell decide to spend more time with Signora Campbell writing his Olympic memoirs. Signor Cable now acting Don until new Padrino emerge from Family ruthless elevation procedure.

Signor Cable say "The Don decided that rather than let speculation drag on for months he would take the honourable path of rolling up his duties and letting a younger man take the Family on to greater things. He doesn't want any phonecalls, and would prefer to left alone for a good long time to give you all space."

Old Don Kennedy add "How awful, I am sad, this is a truely miserable day for Liberali Family. My door is open should people wish to come and console themselves with me." He then get up and do little tap dance of woe out of room.

Signors Clegg and Huhne eye each other suspicously. Signor Webb is winking at Signor Hughes, and Signor Opik is winking at Signoras Kramer and Goldsworthy, but it making them uncomfortable.

"Who you backing Liberali" hiss Signor Oaten to me

"I backing whoever ask me to back them... Safest way to stay alive... Hooray for Don Cable", I shout.

We all cheer and file out to start plotting. It dark outside and I notice no Signora Campbell there to offer me friendly cigarette.

Seem ever so little bit colder than just few weeks ago.

I pull overcoat about me and dream of warm future.

The gossips are revolting

2007-10-13T23:12:00.000+01:00

I see lot of Signors Huhne and Clegg lately. Every time I in Cowley Printworks they make time to say ciao and ask me how Signora Liberali doing. Don Campbell meanwhile doing lots of scowling and growling about whiny, disloyal, grumpy paisan that should know better. He summon me and Signor Davey into basement bunker today.

"Right, I've had just about enough of this. You are my enforcers, what are you doing about stopping this whispering campaign?"

"Well technically Don Campbell," mutter Signor Davey "It's not a whispering campaign when the idiots are publishing websites called doncampbellmustgo.com and setting up new associated organisations like the Liberali Campaign for Urgent Review of Euthanasia law. More like an open revolt really, albeit a small one we will soon crush in the usual way."

"Thank-you for that helpful analysis Davey" say the Don, clenching his fists "and why is it exactly that the usual crushing has not yet taken place?"

"Personally I blame the paparazzi." I say "They always down on us an we can't afford to wet their beaks in the same way as the Labouristi and Conservatori. It very easy for them to pick up on dissent in ranks and stir it up. You knock it down in one place and it soon up again in another."

"Yes again Liberali a scintillating insight, it does not though enlighten me as to why it is that Signor Hughes is not currently enjoying the magnificent sight of sunlight breaking on the gentle undulations of the Thames from the bottom of it."

"Well he not exactly called for you to go" I say "more made encouraging noises about how he looking forward to you showing your full potential. You know the same sort of thing you used to say about Don Kennedy."

He is glaring at me. "You must have a chat with Signora Campbell at some point soon Signor Liberali. She had to help Signor Clegg with his helpful communication skills recently."

"Padrino" interject Signor Davey "we will sort this out. The Family, in the main, do not like dissent in the ranks. No one wants another internal crisis at a time when both the other Families are breathing down our necks looking for weakness. Where local rumbles are actually kicking off we are holding our own and on occasion advancing. The fear in the Capos is what might happen in a wider conflagration when our resources are stretched thin. The best defence you have against that concern becoming dangerous is to continue to reform the Family. You must continue what you started."

"What I started... Signor Davey when you and the other Capo approached me and said 'Signor Campbell, the Don can't make today's Westminster rumble because he has a tummy ache... the Don has a strange virus again... the Don is singing about his ginger winkie on the roof of the Printworks... please help us... please lead the Family out of this crisis... I do not recall it being my instigation or a solo mission. A little loyalty and gratitude from your colleagues would not go amiss."

"You can count on us." I say "Only other day paparazzi call me up to put you down and I put him straight in no uncertain terms that we not be putting up with this for another 18 months."

Signor Davey and Signor Campbell giving me funny look. I think it time to leave and get to work on dissenters before Signora Campbell come to discussion. I going to see 'Shorty' Tall about dealing with the webweasels, apparently they all mental, or at least that what he tell me, so should be no problem getting them sectioned. All in a day work for the Don.

Capo di Capo Westminster rumble

2007-10-10T22:44:00.000+01:00

Every week leading Capos of three Families come together in Westminster car park to yell insults at each other. We no like this tradition much as Liberali family always look little small against large packs of Labouristi and Conservatori. However all respect no violence tradition in confines of car park, so we know we safe.

All last month Don Brown been dropping hints that he going to start big rumble in the Territories. But now he back-down, shoulders little more stooped, smug grin not to big, and Labouristi not looking so clever.

"Is this the mighty Don Brown" yell Don Cameron "I'd heard the most fearsome Don in the Territories was going to be here tonight, but all I can see is Jimmie Krankie's dwarf brother and his gang of hermaphrodite groin lice. Is this the first man of honour in history to call off a rumble because he thought he'd get his suit creased?"

"I don't believe I need to dignify the ravings of a moon-faced cross-dressing show-girl with a response" respond Don Brown "Clearly the public have no appetite for war in this unprecedented era of peace under my leadership. Only last year you were the ma... half-man who promised to end the tired era of puppet-show punch-ups, yet this is yo..."

At this moment he is drowned out by Conservatori backing choir singing chorus of "Pack up your spine in your old kit bag and scowl, Gordy, scowl"

I nudge Don Campbell. "Go on Don, kick him when he down".

"Patience, Liberali, patience" say Don Campbell, "My cravat is not quite straight"

"And another thing" yell Don Cameron "when's he going to keep his promise to allow us all to wet our beaks on the changes to the great Euro-scam. He says it's not the same grift. It's as though Don Blair had never left." Colleague chip in "Show us your big clunking fist Gordina"

Don Brown turning distinctly crimson coloured, Signora Blears is hopping up and down like angry hamster with bladder problem.

"Would you both mind terribly not stealing our best swindles... please" say quiet voice of authority.

"Piss off baldy" hiss Signor 'bulging' Balls from nearby.

'Three cheers for Don Campbell' we all say as one. Then we all piss off. I not like this silly tradition much.

Robo-intimidation

2007-10-08T22:37:00.000+01:00

I sure drowsy today. Every time I try to go to sleep last night phone ring. When I pick it up robotic soulless female voice solemnly say

"This is a recorded message from the Labouristi. If you love Don Brown press one. If you think Don Cameron is hopeless press two. If you think Don Campbell is too old press three."

And so it go on.

Eventually I get so fed up I shout back

"Look, Signora Harman, I appreciate you mighty grateful to Don Brown for giving you job in call centre, but if you don't take me off your intimidation list I going to find way of making this phone connect with you permanently."

Line go silent for minute, with sound of uncomfortable shuffling on other end of phone, then go dead. I get no more calls that night. Thank goodness we never stoop so low.

Don Brown march courageously from sound of gunfire

2007-10-06T19:38:00.000+01:00

Well I much relieved goomba this evening I must say. Two weeks ago Signor Rennard approach me in Little Sicily war-bunker for private chat.

"Liberali" he say "while Don Campbell may in public have being saying the Liberali Family are ready for whatever Don Brown and Don Cameron might throw at them after their seaside rumbles, the reality might be somewhat different."

"No kidding" I say "I being doing audit of Little Sicily regime and unless local Labouristi gang also happen to consist of 20 little old ladies with knitting needles, two criminal studies students, a 16 year-old RISO battery, and Signora Liberali's very hard stare, we not in great shape."

"Mmmm 20" he say "I couldn't borrow 10 of the little old ladies for Richmond could I?"

I practice Signora Liberali's hard stare.

"Are you constipated Signor Liberali?" he ask "Anyhow that's not why I'm here. No serious trouble is expected in Little Sicily when there are more tempting targets for our opponents elsewhere. What we need to do now is avoid a conflict rather than fight under-prepared."

"How we going to do that?"

"Well Don Brown, like Don Blair before him is very reliant on the gossip vine to tell him when and where to fight. Organised gossip monitors like YouSnitch and ISeeEm are regularly in and out of the Queen Street compound whispering in his ear. Currently we understand they're not entirely impressed by our fighting form or that of the Conservatoris. We need to impress upon them that this impression is false."

"How can a humble solider of the Don help?"

"We've found out where the gossip monitors gather some of their information... this is what I want you to do..."

So one week later I and my little old ladies are in a known Family haunt in Barbican Towers overlooking YouSnitch HQ with Signor Gove of the Conservatoris and a dozen spotty urchins from the local Conservatori Future chapter. The main room of the Base has large windows that are covered with thin drapes and every so often we send some of the team past the windows carrying cardboard cut-outs of large number of busy looking men of honour and oversized weapons.

This afternoon then we not so surprised to see Don Brown announce that he sees the wisdom of peace, and that although it is his fondest desire to rid the territories of the scourge of the Conservatori and Liberali families for ever, now is the time to let the big tent Family bed in.

Don Campbell has called him a big sissy-girl who not fit to run whelk stall let alone the United Territories. Or at least he due to say that until Signora Swinson point out that Liberali sissy-girl fraternity contain some of our most effective assassins and have notorious dislike of old-style Family language.

So no fanfare, no celebration, the only sound in Little Sicily this evening is that of knitting needles being sharpened.

Community intimidation, out with the goombas

2007-09-27T00:47:00.000+01:00

I out in Little Sicily today as part of Community Intimidation Week. Don Campbell is concerned by growing reports that Labouristi are preparing to hit the mattresses as early as November and we are disciplining the cugine to be ready for trouble.

Accompanying me on doorstep are two old Liberali cronies, Linda 'the Knife' Jack and Tom 'Liberali Polecat' Papworth, reliable goombas who can be trusted in shake down for the Don.

I just finish helping local university professor understand wisdom of contribution to Liberali plans to stop Labouristi charging entry to his students when Jack the Knife take to me to one side.

"Liberali" she say "I can't help but notice that every time you target a house it's the man you demand gives you the money."

"Um si, I feel more comfortable that way, it's what I know."

"Well it's not very fair is it?"

"Um"

"Look, we're never going to create an equal Family if we constantly reinforce gender stereotypes in our intimidation techniques. It's bad enough that of the three of us out tonight, two of us are white Sicilian men, shocking actually when we consider lovely Signor Fiyaz is available and so very experienced and energetic at putting the frighteners on."

"I sorry about my colour, tan tend to fade when out of Sicily more than two months. I ask Signor Fiyaz about tonight but he off with Signor Hughes attempting to recruit some ex-Tamil Tigers for special ops against his Singhalese rival Signora Fernando."

"Fascinating, but not my point..., observe"

She walk up to next door and ring bell. MAYHEM intimidation card tell me family of public sector professionals live there. A couple open the door.

"Helloooo, Ms. and Mr. Postlewaite is it...? lovely... can I interest you in the protection of Don Campbell?"

The man begin to speak.

"Sorry love I was talking to Ms. Postlewaite... Janice isn't it... red really suits you... these trying times must be so hard to make ends meet what with all the nonsense the Labouristi have been up to with your jobs..."

Polecat drift over to observe as well... conversation continue for a couple of minutes, couple smile a lot, Mr. Postlewaite occasionally look very sheepish. Soon Jack the Knife is back with big bunch of notes.

"See" she say, "all it takes sometimes is a woman's touch. Mrs. Postlewaite has made a handsome contribution and agreed to put up a poster of Signora Kramer, Mr. Postlewaite has agreed it's absolutely disgraceful that he earns 20% more than his wife and doubled her contribution, adding 40% by way of apology for his gender's crimes against wimmin."

We very impressed.

Polecat though take me aside and say.

"That's all very well for these modern progressive families, it doesn't work though in the streets with big houses where the Conservatori used to hold power, before Hollywood Don Cameron decided they were going to ditch their old territories to reach the people who shop at Primark. Allow me to demonstrate."

He take us down more salubrious street near Little Sicily Riviera and select family who both work in banking sector.

"Hello Mr. Jermyn" he say when man in pin-striped trousers, red braces and stripy shirt open door "Ede and Ravenscroft I see, exceptional tailoring, tell me have you ever thought about diversifying your portfolio into Signor Huhne's renewable hedge fund... Signor Cable's protection against inheritance theft perhaps...?"

He again continue for several minutes and come back with handsome bankers bond that should see little Liberali through university, whatever Labouristi do to them...

It sure good to get out in community with friends.

United in respect on the fringe

2007-09-20T00:07:00.000+01:00

Part of joy of Family gathering is fringe discussions, which often showpiece more interesting ideas and techniques than main event. Today I host discussion between two old friends from Euroenforcer days, Signor 'BabyDon' Clegg and Signor 'Carbonator' Huhne. The topic is "Respect, what I like best about my paesano"

Carbonator start:

"What I like best about my good friend Signor Clegg is his courage. Personally I wouldn't have announced to a room full of Sicilians that I wanted to open the United Territories to waves of immigrants after their jobs and homes. But I salute his bravery in doing so. It shows true commitment to courting unpopularity for the Family in an era of flim-flam merchants chasing the easy score."

"Grazie Signor," say BabyDon "what I like best about my eccellente and loyal friend Capo Huhne is his vision. His notion, for example, that we should put the squeeze on all forms of motor transport by 2040 goes far beyond suggestions made by more modest and cautious men of honour. His thinking is so far ahead of more ordinary and humble citizens that in less enlightened times he might have been referred to as a mystic or seer. So much more refreshing than the easy reassurance of the popular."

"My colleague is too kind," say Carbonator "and it reminds me of another one of his qualities, his ability to adopt many of the mannerisms of our opponents, old Don Blair and Hollywood Don Cameron. Some might have looked at these superficial fly-by-night opportunists with disdain. But my friend sees aspects of their characters that he much admires. It is a tribute to his adaptability."

"My life-long amico is of course correct" repost BabyDon "learning from your enemies and an interest in winning are two of my interests. I on the other hand admire his traditionalism and appeal to Moustache Petes who have been fighting for the Family in the same way since the 1970s without ever seeing the need to adopt the tactics and techniques of larger more successful Families. It gives him a real homely appeal."

"It is of course good of my esteemed and respected collaboratore to highlight his association with the much admired 'right-on' wing of the Family." comment Carbonator "While many would shy away from the ideas espoused by his former employer Conservatori Commissar Leon Brittain, he does not flinch from that controversy. It is most refreshing."

"It is equally refreshing of my admired and eminent accomplice to have reinvented himself as a champion of the 'left-behinds'," add BabyDon. "Some would have said his seven homes, former career exploiting bankers, and application of market-stall solutions to traditional forms of violence against the vulnerable would have made him naturally right-on. However that former Labouristi, kicked out for having views too 'committed' for that Family, are flocking to his banner, is a source of pride for all of us. I will have no hesitation in labelling this movement the new Huhney Left as a token of my deep respect."

At that moment Signora Campbell enter the room

"The Don would like to see you both..." she say acidly "... now... he has some matters of respect to discuss."

I sure glad my fringe theme already influencing highest ranks of Family. BabyDon and Carbonator and get up and start walking out. Crowded room though, so it hard for them to avoid feet connecting with each other shins as they leave. Don Campbell is lucky to have such articulate men of honour in a hurry to see him.

Don Cambpell correct silly speculation

2007-09-17T22:20:00.000+01:00

Don Campbell issue apology to paparazzi today.

"When today I referred to the emerging economic superpowers of China and Italy, I did of course intend to say Calabria and Sicily. That's what comes of spending all morning talking to Signor Foster about bloody tourism, rather than thinking about Family business."

Signor Davey added:

"Anyone can make a mistake, Don Campbell though is safely entrenched in our London Territories, tittle-tattle that he about to be sent to sticks in Jockland entirely idle speculation."

Signor Cable also commented:

"Further the Don did not intend to say that he wants the Family to 'hammer the rich'. That would be barbaric. We find a good slapping with glove usually sufficient to get the fat-cat wimps to open their wallets."

"I also need to add" say Don Campbell "that when I was reported to have said I'm a failure earlier today, the report missed the end of that sentence which added in the eyes of treacherous ungrateful vicious old whiners like former Capo Rodgers, who simply bitter that Don Brown only interested in talking to former colleagues Williams and Owen when seeking advice for Labouristi big tent. Phewee what a bitter anonymous miseryguts, who cares what he thinks."

"I am not a soundbite-era Don, so I can quite understand how that nuanced position might have been missed by lazy useless paparazzi swine."

Signor Davey further added:

"When I referred to Jockland as 'the sticks', I was of course misquoted, for which I apologise. I did of course intend to say, 'welfare dependent backwater full of disloyal ginger old lags who should know better than break omertà after after night on the tiles'."

Liberal Mafia is recruiting

2007-09-17T08:21:00.000+01:00

I wake up in skip on construction site near beach this morning. This not uncommon occurrence at Family Gathering, only in this case it seem due to misunderstanding with Committee for Diary Control.

Seem Signor Opik's handling my 'donation' to Hornsey Green intimidation fund go little awry, as photo below show.

Happily I able to direct Committee to Opik hotel room in dodgy downtown Brighton fleshpots so they let me off with mild beating. Signor Opik seem likely due for second handgliding accident.

Anyway with unwelcome attention, and fearsome enforcers like those above lurking in dark viuzzi, I think I need more protection.

So Liberal Mafia is recruiting. If you made man or woman of honour from around United Territories with gift for understanding affairs of Family, and too much time on hands, do write to me with sample of handiwork at liberalimafia@gmail.com.

Omertà paesano, omertà

Letter to Committee for Diary-Control

2007-09-16T22:15:00.000+01:00

I been at special meeting with Don Campbell tonight. This present conflict with other important meeting, which big nuisance. Happily I make arrangements before I leave for Brighton and send letter via special courier...

----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Committee for Diary-Control,

It is with regret I inform you I cannot be with you in person at Grand Awards Ceremony of Liberali Family Association of Tittle-tattlers, Scandalmongers and Egomaniacs.

I instead busy with Don Campbell and team tonight, learning about important items on Family Conference Agenda. I very impressed by pending discussions on encouraging bullying, pulling teeth, building more slums, and making prison more bearable for men of honour by putting less women inside.

We sure are most progressive Family in United Territories.

I would though like to thank the Committee for short-listing me for this special-needs monitoring award. I particularly grateful to last year overall winner, ‘Shorty’ Tall for making it clear to me that all that required to win is the provision of donation, to Hornsey Green Intimidation Fund.

“A ‘pony’ should be enough” he say

I simple man and no understand why Signora Featherstone need pony, but figure Cowley Print-works not miss one of old delivery-nags, so go one better and procure reliable work horse, from Signor Rennard. Seem he wear them out quick these days.

Big problem though how to get horse to Brighton in time for ceremony.

Fortunately my friend Signor Opik have solution. He coming to Brighton by helicopter this year and can carry horse in harness.

He say “So long I as I don’t get distracted by pretty Romanian co-pilots and let the horse go wondering near the rotor blades we’re in good shape. You can trust me Liberali”

So I hope the little horse, I call her Galloping Lamido, find you well and we still good for award.

Cordiale Saluti,

Don Liberali

----------------------------------------------------

Signor Opik assure me all go according to plan, so I looking forward to meeting with 'Shorty', 'Nogeek', and 'the Aggregator', behind Grand Hotel at midnight where they say they going to give me special thank-you for package.

Signor Opik oddly no want cut for delivery, and had to run very fast to get to his next appointment. He great guy and very fit, no wonder he knockout with all ladies in Liberali youth.

Family Gathering

2007-09-15T20:29:00.000+01:00

It all big excitement today. The Liberali Family are gathering in Brighton to discuss Family business for the year ahead.

Don Campbell has selected Green Scams, We Want Some of the Action Now! as the theme for gathering, so he letting the Carbonator explain some of his ideas to the assembled men and women of honour.

Other initatives include plans to take care of the anti-Mossad Union currently disrupting our arms shipments from Israel, more power for local Capitani, skimming the tourist industry, addressing woeful decline in standards of bullying across the United Territories, and confirming idea for 4% off protection payments.

This make biannual gathering very exciting. Nothing old Moustache Petes and cugine like more than sitting in big room talking about things our public clients not realise are important yet.

And if that not thrilling enough, there hundred of little huddles that happen all around the town where paisan can learn new techniques in taking care of business, or listen to visionary ideas of future from lots of interesting friends ofFamily. I particularly keen on sessions on exploiting Catholics with Liberali Catholic Forum, what to do if there is big gang war this October with Signor Rennard, and Don Smith RIP Institute session on avoiding prison with Capo Browne of our Taunton Conservatori Liberali.

Committee for Diary Control are also annoucing result of their special monitoring programme on Sunday. I not nervous though. I have private word with 'Shorty' Tall and I think I understand now how to get on good side of Signora Featherstone. I say no more, but Shorty... the necessary be delivered tomorrow... capiche?

Magisterium Committee conclude business

2007-09-11T23:41:00.000+01:00

So this weekend the Committee for the Assassination of the Magisterium have our final meeting to choose Liberali assassin to target Signor Livingstone. In Liberali Family the final decision on who is given weighty task of assassination is taken by wider Family. Our job is simply to select final short-list.

Signor Davey, he take me aside before meeting for little chat about our task.

"The Don is concerned Liberali, that this is a scrupulously fair selection, where the best polic... I mean ma... I mean person for the job is put forward to the Family. We must have no unnecessary complications. Do I make myself clear?"

"Si, Signor Davey, I sure we get many great applicants for this hit, it not be difficult to choose three good people."

"Yes, again, and I know with your rapier-like grasp of the incisive nuances of complex situations, I barely need mention this, no complications or the Don will not be a happy man. But don't let me interfere, I know how tricky these decisions can be."

So later that day Magisterium Committee convene for last time and sit in panel behind long table. Our first applicant is Signor Mughal.

The door open. A man wearing black cape, white mask, and large theatrical fedora enter... he sweep away the mask with a flourish.

"Yes... fellow Liberali... it is none other than I... Fiyaz, Haringey Capitano, former Deputy El-Presidente to former Magisterium Assassin Signor Hughes. I stalk like the tiger... I leap like an antelope... and I swoop on my prey like the mighty condor. It is I who will slay Signor Livingstone... me... only I can appeal to the disadvantaged groups, so cruelly neglected by this family in the reign of Don Kennedy, but necessary to breach Livingstone's inner sanctums of power."

"Er thank-you Signor Mughal" I say "that very nice costume, you going to opera later?"

"My disguise is I admit a little unconventional, however necessary to fool Livingstone in under-estimating me, no one expects Signor Fiyaz Mughal...! And when they do... Ha...! it is then too late."

"Er thank-you Signor Mughal."

"Deputy El-Presidente, my arse." mutter colleague, as he leave. I must admit it not post I heard of before, but sure sound impressive.

The next applicant is Signora Fernando, formerly of our Leicestershire faction, who now consigiliore in old Finchley stomping ground of Conservatori Iron-Don Thatcher. She dress very demurely, come in quietly and sit politely waiting for first question.

"So you're a woman then?" say fellow panellist. She glower at him

"I believe that is fairly evident. Would you perhaps like to ask me some questions about my plans to assassinate the Magisterium? Or were you hoping that I'd make you a nice cup of tea before vacuuming this rat-hole and pressing your trousers?"

Tea would be brilliant I thinking, would really hit spot right now.

"That won't be necessary," my colleague continue "Please do explain your plan."

"Most attention, during the next few months will be on the Conservatori assassin Signor Johnson and Livingstone stalking one another. That gives me opportunity. The Labouristi and Conservatori will not expect me, I will confuse them, and that confusion will give me my chance. A slim one I admit, but a risk I am prepared to take for the Family."

Two sugars and cream I am thinking. I real thirsty now. I note approvingly that colleague is ticking boxes on some form with picture of Signor Davey glowering at him in the header.

"Thank-you Signora, that sounds like an excellent offer, we will consider your request."

She get up and leave, but we still have no tea.

Next it is old friend Signor Paddick, he wearing leather pants, and tight t-shirt with Lambeth Mafia emblazoned on it in rhinestones. He wink at me.

"No cakes today please Brian" I say "this is business, we give you rigorous interview now."

"Indeed" say chair of meeting. "Signor Paddick I have one question. Would you like to kill the Magisterium?"

"Yes"

"Eccellente. Thank-you Signor Paddick, that will be all, please do send in the next candidate."

As Brian leave there is sound of kerfuffle and arguing in corridor that go on for about a minute. Signor Davey pop his head around door.

"Sorry to interrupt gentleman, it appears all the other candidates have been so impressed by Signor Paddick that they have decided to voluntarily withdraw. Do not let me detain you in your weighty deliberations any longer."

Well we think, we need three, we have three, it sure tough, but in absence of nice cup of tea we anxious to wrap up. So that conclude business of the Magisterium committee. Now Family must decide.

The pull of co-operation, a painful choice

2007-09-07T11:19:00.000+01:00

I in Cowley Printworks bonding yard today with Don Campbell to have instructive chat with Capo Oaten about matters of Family discipline.

"Signor Oaten" say the Don, "Much as I appreciate you sending me your new pamphlet, 'Co-operation - we're fucked on our own', I feel, following much inconvenient speculation, that it is important you experience my response, not so much intellectually, but in a very physical way."

"That very kind Don Campbell", he say "But I'm sure a Centre for Um briefing note would be sufficient, there really is no need to have my limbs bound with leather hoops and attached to four horses."

"I'm sure you're used to it." comment the Don "However this isn't just about you, I feel this demonstration will be instructive for your colleagues as well," he point to gaggle of senior Family members from the Family Shadow Committee watching from the balcony, "and I do appreciate your strong desire to be as helpful as possible to your colleagues in your twilight months as Capo of our Winchester Rifles faction. Liberali, please gag the Capo, so he might fully appreciate the lesson without too much distraction."

This I do.

"Eccellente, thank-you... we shall proceed."

"Signor Oaten you will observe, attached to you left-hand side are two old carthorses. For the purposes of this demonstration they represent the Labouristi, I shall call them Prescott and Straw. On your right we have two slightly old former racehorses, a little past their prime, but still deluded enough to think they're still capable of winning the Grand National, let's call them Ancram and Clarke, they represent the Conservatori. You Signor Oaten, represent me, struggling with the weighty decisions of running the Family and our relations with others."

"For the first demonstration let's say, following the next big turf war, that the Labouristi are the strongest Family... Knuckles please excite Prescott..."

Knuckles smashes an egg on Prescott's flank, and the horse moves forward slightly. Signor Oaten groans in appreciation.

"But wait maybe the Conservatori are the strongest... Signor Laws, if you could kindly encourage Clarke..."

Signor Laws holds up a blue flag with yellow stars on it that make Clarke greatly interested in moving forward. Signor Oaten really not sounding happy.

"You see it really can be quite a painful decision as to who to co-operate with." say the Don. "And if you make your preferences known in advance... gentleman please demonstrate"

Knuckles and Laws give Ancram and Straw a modest pat on the hind quarters. Ancram start trying to bite Clarke, which excite him even more. Straw promptly reverse and sit on Signor Oaten's foot.

I could be wrong, but I not sure at this point whether Signor Oaten in pain or enjoying himself. He funny paisan.

"But wait" say the Don, "There's more. You may be wondering why there is a pile of oats tied in a bag around your nether-regions?"

Signor Oaten trying to nod quite vigorously.

"This bag represents the Family's values. When the Family's values are under threat from the pull of power from old nags in Labouristi and Conservatori, then you have another worry... Signora Teather, if you could please let Greaves illustrate the point."

The Signori untie a small grey Shetland pony from his post. The pony seem confused, wheezy and slightly incontinent, however he still recognise where values lie under threat, and what to do about it, and make like a much younger animal straight to the heart of the problem. Signor Oaten's eyes seem to be bulging quite a lot as he struggles in the ropes, against the attention of Greaves.

"And if the old guard are not quite getting through to you, then you might find your freedom to decide constrained in other ways... Signor Graham, if you would please demonstrate the power of the Family Conference." A large angry man, who I recognise as one of the Family's most feared enforcers , and is wearing a rucksack full of rocks, walk slowly over to Oaten and promptly sit on his chest. What follow is not pretty sound.

"Thank-you gentleman, I think we will let Signor Oaten contemplate my thoughts on his pamphlet for a further ten minutes or so and then given the horses some proper exercise..."

"Capo in the gallery, I hope this session has been instructive, and I do of course look forward to welcoming any of your thoughts on our relations with the other Families in future, should you be so minded to write them down. It is now though, I regret, time for my afternoon nap... good day gentleman."

With that he walk upstairs to ponder the great matters of Family business unimpeded by helpful colleagues.

Greaves has widdled on Signor Oaten's trousers and Prescott is trying to butt Knuckles with his head. It is lovely pastoral scene that remind me of old family farm in Sicily at harvest time. I drift peacefully into daydreaming as the Capo file slowly back into Printworks to consider the Don's wise demonstration of the burden of leadership.

Do I amuse you?

2007-09-05T23:51:00.000+01:00

A most puzzling day. I in Cowley Printworks and get summoned to see Signora Featherstone Capo of the Hornsey Green Liberali. A fratellanza who specialise in dropping broken paving slabs on our enemies and tying them between speed bumps.

"Come in Signor Liberali" she say.

Sitting with her are Hapless Cullen 'the Aggregator', Nogeek Howells, and 'Shorty' Tall. A dangerous group of hardened killers often used to sort out Family internal problems.

The boys are staring at me pretty hard. Hapless is picking his fingernails with a stiletto and, Nogeek is frowning. Shorty is bouncing rubber ball off wall, with alarming good reflexes I think.

I not feeling so great about this meeting all of sudden.

"Liberali, Liberali, Liberali, what does the omertà code mean to you?"

"Er... it mean you keep Family business in Family," I stutter.

"Exactly" she say "Would you say the code is entirely compatible with, for example... the keeping of a diary?"

"Well er..."

Shorty is bouncing ball quite close to me now, Hapless is tossing his stiletto in one hand and catching it, Nogeek is polishing his glasses with hanky that have rather unnerving red stains in one corner.

"Well I'm delighted to say", she say "that in glorious regime of Don Campbell it is entirely autorizzato, in fact we welcome it. We are all Liberali here, we have nothing to hide."

"Er... what this have to do with me?"

"Well it seems Liberali that someone has been writing a diary in your name and the old Don finds it... what did he say Shorty?"

"I believe he said he found it funnier than when Signor Oaten suggested he should be running the family or when Signor Hughes claimed he would double the size of Family in two years" he growl

"I personally cracked a smile" say Hapless "once, it hurt my jaw"

"It bought joy to my day" say Nogeek.

"that nice" I reply

"Not especially" he add "I was at a funeral"

"Anyhow" interject Signora Featherstone "The point is that the committee for diary-control here have shortlisted your diary for special monitoring. Congratulations, you amuse us, you will now recieve our special attention"

"Er... Hooray!"

A new kind of mafia

2007-09-03T22:43:00.000+01:00

I sitting in my casa today, minding own business, when phone ring. I pick it up and imagine my surprise, as on end of line, it no Liberali caller, but broguish snarl of Don Brown, il Padrino of the Labouristi.

"Liberali" he say "I am glad to find you in today."

"Um, what can I do for you Don Brown."

"Liberali, I believe that the Territories needs a new kind of Family. A Family which embraces everyone. A Family built on consensus, not street fights. A Family that draws on the widest range of men of honour and solidarietà, not the ever decreasing circles of vendetta."

"That great Don Brown, we sure against mindless Punch and Judy slayings in this Family as well, particularly when it us. Are you saying you want Labouristi to merge with the Liberali under Don Campbell?"

The phone line go silent for moment. I pretty sure hear someone in the background muttering something like "I told you not to start with the mick one, Christ what a boozer". But it must be crossed-line, I Sicilian, not Irish.

"Er, no Liberali, I have in mind something more elegant that retains our Family loyalties but allows us to work together constructively. We understand you are a great expert on lemon groves and rural slums?"

"Er no? Little Sicily is lovely town with many slums, but last time lemon tree grow here, local cugine use it make road block to hijack passing Burberry lorry. We about as far from countryside as Don Cameron is from winning paisan-of-year award for man of substance"

There awkward pause on other end of line

"I see, please allow me a moment to confer with my expert research team."

There is sound something that come across like baseball bat hitting a set of bagpipes, and whimpered murmur that I pretty sure sound like "but it was the other Milliband", followed by second bagpipe noise.

"Terrible blunder Liberali" he say eventually "It appears our consultants got mixed up, You are of course an expert on Italian tailoring, we are in fact looking for Signor Taylor. But it was a pleasure talking to you, not doubt when the needs of the big tent extend to a better quality sock, we will speak again."

With that he ring off.

Later that day I find Capo Taylor also get call, and was so delighted to get offer of work on eve of retirement from Liberali family that he accept. Seems offers also accepted by two clapped-out old hasbeens from Conservatori Family. Don Cameron is seething.

Don Campbell though appear delighted when I see him in the afternoon.

"Another pair of eyes and ears in the enemy camp" he say cheerfully "Might have to pop over there soon myself."

"He is of course joking" say Consigliore Kirkwood, with look of determined intensity in his eye.

"That's our Don Campbell" I say "Always up for giggle".

Maybe there something in this new kind of Family, it give me all warm glow inside.

Community Intimidation Week

2007-08-30T00:20:00.000+01:00

Another special project from Don Campbell today. In September hundreds of members of Family will spread out across United Territories to intimidate local residents who been dabbling with Labouristi and Conservatori. It important to "bring a human face to spontaneous violence" he say.

As experienced old Capo it my job today to work with Signora Stephenson, Director of Signor Rennard's crack Assassinations Department to organise intimidation training for hand-picked group of paisan who themselves will train others in their territories. So I find myself in old warehouse, wearing my trusty, if not a little rusty, Association of Liberali Capitani Official Trainer badge, surveying room of keen and eager compare, waiting for benefit of our wisdom.

After padding through basics... never break eye-contact... always have a clear threat in mind... ... never spend longer than 30 seconds on any one stranglehold... always slam the gate... it time for questions...

"How do we target our threats?" ask a Capitani from Cardiff Whotown

"It good question", say Signora Stephenson "there no point making indiscriminate nuisance of yourself in territory. You have limited time and many people to visit. Thanks to Family Innovation Unit, we now have special capogeek-tool, the MAYHEM system (Mindless Aggravated Yobbery, Harassment and Executions Modules), that allow us to identify those most likely to respond to threats. Always make sure you use MAYHEM before sending boys out looking for trouble."

"And when we find trouble", ask another from Sheepway Public Lavatories faction "how we ensure we do right thing?"

"Another great question" she say "we like to think of our 'targets' as either 'soft' or 'hard'. Hard targets, you no waste time there. You might be minding own business, offering a little protection for keeping eye on local post box, or ensuring no dog turds through letter box - when hard-target decide to try and knock all your teeth out. Always ensure you holding up your trustly Liberali kevlar clipboard to fend off any sudden moves from hard-nuts."

"Soft targets though usually cave-in at first sign of a Chinese-burn. Some though require more persuasion - with them, always make sure you carrying your rolled-up persuasion literature, and deliver low to the letterbox."

"Other targets, regular payers, we like to think of as Definites and Probables. Probables really just the same as soft-targets, just a bit easier. Definates only too happy to pay protection. You might even want to try and persuade them to have picture of Don Campbell in window to warn off the Labouristi and Conservatori. Sometimes if they particularly keen we consider them for joining the Family. I started that way myself, a sound thrashing at the hands of local enforcer, and now here I am."

"What if targets not in?" ask cugine from Leicester Against Indepenent Liberali Farmers cell.

"This often happen" I say "these days, victims getting better at seeing us coming, sometimes no more than one in ten are in. That when you need this..." I hold up example 'Out-Threat' "Simply aggregate the intimidation of your choice, using old newspaper clippings or the like, and leave with helpful greeting like 'while you were out, we came to inspect your locks, remember only Liberali family can protect you here'."

"Is it important we ask for anything in particular in that week?" say a prospective Capo from Camden Markets

"Not especially" interject the Signora, "the important point is that you are there, and you make it clear you are local. I often find old chestnut 'we know where you live' is sufficient"

"But surely we need a clear request?" they say earnestly "Something that differentiate us from other hoodlums calling on their time?"

Signora Stephenson appear to be writing 'troublemaker' on her kevlar clipboard.

"Allow me to demonstrate" she say. "How about you try and explain to Capo Liberali why he should pay you protection because of our protection scheme based on ability to pay?"

"Erm... Signor Liberali" they stutter "you give me 3.75% of your wallet, we take off 4% from your regular payment, and I be your friend... it our local protection payment scheme... if you no give... you might find Labouristi come round and try and take payment based on size of your patio... " My eyes begin to glaze over

Five minute later when friend from Camden explaining difference between value-added protection and their desire for proper land protection scheme in fullness of time... only for land owners... and I thinking ernestly about paying them just to stop talking, Signora Stephenson kindly interject...

"Eccellente, now Signor Liberali, could you kindly demonstrate Community Intimidation method, assume borderline hard/soft target with history of non-payment...".

I ram my 'Paying Here' truncheon into Camden's unprotected local-target-wards. He keel over with look of educated bliss on face, and I take their wallet.

"Any more questions? Is method now clear?" say Signora Stephenson

There is silence. We real good trainers. I rub my trusty badge with pride. We now look forward to practical assessment in field, and week of good healthy family-business in late-September.

Petrol Prohibition

2007-08-28T22:59:00.000+01:00

So I hanging out at Cowley Printing Works, minding my own business, when Capo Huhne, 'The Carbonator', tap me on shoulder and say,

"Liberali come with me, we're going to take a ride in the Batmobile."

"You mean you sold your Toytown Prius and got hot new set of wheels?" I say excitedly.

He freeze and give me acid look.

"It maybe a humble Prius to you, Liberali, but I like to call it the Batmobile. Do you wish to imply my hybrid-electric dream-motor is in some way less miraculous and exciting than the fictional companion-chariot of the fabled Dark Knight?"

"No, no" I say

"Very well," he say "you may hum my... I mean his theme tune."

"Er... o.k... dina... dina..."

"Not that one" he interrupt "Do I look like Adam West to you?"

"Well..."

"George Clooney you fool, possibly with a touch of Michael Keaton and Christian Bale, although none of them could have coped with the cut and thrust of being an enforcer in the European Family, do you not agree?"

"Er... dum... dum... dum... dum... da... dum..."

"Eccellente Liberali, shall we go?... oh and keep humming"

So slightly unsettled we go to find his car... I mean the Batmobile... and soon we motoring out of London Territories, at fuel-efficient 56.6 mph, to secret location somewhere near Eastleigh.

Soon suburbs give way to green fields which crease up to rolling hills and winding tracks. We turn down old lane with rusting RAF sign on listing gate, and pull into a flat plateau occupied only by aircraft hanger nestling under rotting camouflage netting, surrounded by the rusting frames of what look like old Spitfires.

The Carbonator reach into glove box, click switch, and concealed doors open for him as we drive under netting. Inside is deserted, however we drive onto metal plate near centre. Click of other switch and plate descend with car... into darkness.

"Liberali... welcome to the Huhne-Cave."

As he speak, we stop descending.

"Prepare to be dazzled" he say. I shield eyes preparing for unwelcome return of daylight from dozens of high-powered halogen flood-lights that will no doubt illuminate this glorious palace in rock.

Instead, as he claps his hands, slightly dim yellow hue trickle through windshield enabling me, just, to see outline of The Carbonator's awe-struck visage.

"Low-wattage bulbs," he say "powered by solar panels on the roof of the aerodrome and a wind farm on the old runway. Are they not magnificent?"

"I am quite literally unable to see anything more brilliant." I say

"We will now visit project 'x'," he say ignoring me, opening the door and stepping away from the vehicle. I follow, tripping over the uneven surface and bashing my head on stalactites in the gloom. The Carbonator though is in rapture. This is his home, well one of them, and in here, he is prince of all he surveys.

We enter laboratory, this I ascertain when I trip over cables and narrowly avoid impaling myself on pile of old turbine blades and a bunsen burner. The Carbonator ring a bell and soon we are joined by an avuncular old man who appear to be dressed in ermine.

"Ah Chidgey, fetch an organic spritzer for my guest and a virgin mary for me we have work to do."

"Yes master Chris," he mumble and shuffle away into the twilight. Seconds later I sure I hear bumping noise, tinkle of broken glass, and what sound like curse aimed at in direction of missing light bulbs. I no that thirsty anyhow, so it no problem.

"Liberali," say The Carbonator, "you are privileged today to witness the fruition of a dream. The Huhne-Cave is hope, a beacon of light, shining through the fog of our polluted world. For today my lonely crusade against the forces of enviro-crime is lonely no more. The Liberali family, under the wise stewardship of Don Campbell has committed today to a world without petrol-cars by 2040. In this very laboratory I am developing the fuel cells, biomass and nano-tube paper-batteries that will transform the way we travel." A tear well up in one eye.

I no understand a word of what he just said, but bashing my head of low ceiling against cause my eyes to water as well and he seem touched by my appreciation.

"It all clear now." I say "I no understand what Don Campbell was doing yesterday, but now I do. I walk into office where he and Letteropener were deep in conversation. It appear they will be helping your scheme and legitimising a lot of the Family cash by buying up shares in the energy companies Letteropener used to work for. These companies no doubt invest heavily in your new technologies making huge return for Family twice over."

The Carbonator seem suspicious. "Did you say energy companies?...", he say "...What energy companies?"

"Oh Shell, Exxon, BP, Chevron... you know energy companies..." I say

He seem momentarily lost in thought "Bastardos! Liberali you idiot, they're buying oil shares on the assumption that this technology will take years to work. In the interim, the price of oil will go through the roof and every set-back or false dawn will be accompanied by a huge boost in oil company share prices. With that capital they won't invest in me and my cave, they will buy me out..." he seem very angry, and he doing that crazy economic talk-thing he do that make my eyes glaze over.

Still Chidgey has returned with half a pint of something sweet-smelling in a chipped glass so I happy. The Carbonator is always happy when busiest and he now stomping around his lab with some big clamps, wires and raving something about the market-case for euthanasia and not raising the retirement age for certain individuals... so he clearly happy as well.

My eyes now accustomed to the cave-light, I settle back and dream of a world of high ceilings without batmobiles.

What price citizenship?

2007-08-27T12:45:00.000+01:00

I feeling very inspired today. This morning listen to speech by our Capo for Criminal Affairs Nick "BabyDon" Clegg.

"Friends, the United Territories is a nation of immigrants. We draw our strength through diversity and unity through common decency. So I say give us your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, and let us charge them a reasonable fixed fee for citizenship. No criminals or illiterates, we charge them double."

It great scheme. Anyone who can't pay, come for brief stint of work for the Family in passport-printing works until they pay-off debt. We then get chance to identify anyone with real respect in their community to target for bringing into our wiseguy-diversity programme.

Conservatoris are grumpy about proposal. The "Grey Enforcer" Capo Davis say:

"This proposal will act as a green flag to every immigrant of insufficient means to afford our protection payments. A one-off charge might be appealing, but consider the damage to our long-term earning potential. My criminal innovation review unit is currently considering a much better scheme to sell passports on eBay to the highest bidder and renew them every five years. These will act as a valuable supplement to our labour holding camps for the low-paid. We believe this is the compassionate way forward."

The Happiest Contrada

2007-08-22T22:00:00.000+01:00

Maybe I been neglecting Little Sicily too much in past months, what with turf-wars in Little Ealing and Trumpton, sometimes easy to forget as Capo that it foot-soldiers who make Liberali family what it is.

Each Capo in Liberali family is responsible for a territory, sometimes we top dog in that territory, sometimes we fight vicious turf-wars with Labouristi and Conservatori for control. But that not complete picture. Many family activities, like rummaging through bins for petty stash, slum management, and free pasta evenings for minority groups like Neapolitans, are left to local Capitani.

Our Capitani are often the made-men and women who really know local people on the ground. We organise them in larger territories and they sometimes share power in these Contrada with other families. When there is trouble, it is generally small-scale, infrequent and vicious. Too much rivalry is bad for business. Otherwise the Capitani come together every month or so at the Contrada to keep the peace.

Don Campbell, though does like to keep an eye on his Contrade. So he dispatch me this week to help out in The Borough, one of the London Contrada. It have around sixty Capitani. Nearly half are Liberali, half Labouristi, with a few Conservatori and a scary-lady who paint herself green and throw rocks at cars.

Currently the Contrada is controlled by a deal between our Capitani and the Conservatori. It uneasy pact, rocked by occasional defection, and reaffirmed by occassional beating over heads with sticks and lectures on Liberali-way by local Capo Signor Hughes. Anyone who really no behave get 'ride in the taxi to see the river'. They fun bunch.

So today I find myself out with some Borough Capitani discussing latest Don Brown threat to our operations. One lucrative scam we run is The Book. It old scam that use local Post Office counters to take bets on how long it take your mail to get delivered when posted first-class. You pick number between 1 and 10 days, pop your bet in special envelop to Bookkeeper at local PO and pray to Alan Leighton for luck.

Naturally our contacts with Postal Workers Unions ensures we can engineer strikes, lose the odd bag of mail down back of sorting office, and otherwise keep odds stacked in our favour. It good business that other families try to break into once in a while, but rarely successfully. Consequently old Don Major, Don Blair and Don Brown been trying to shut down our operation for years, while we been trying to put the employees in charge.

Happily local people usually on our side. Everyone need place where they can swap gossip about who sleeping with who on latest reality TV show, and queues long enough to talk about more than one channel. So we handing out petitions to Save our Local PO and doing nice sideline in 100-1 odds on 2-day or less deliveries.

The Borough Contrada Leader, Rick Plankton, have a few troubles of his own of late. Apparently paparazzi decide to brand the Borough as the 'baddest Contrada in Britain'. This seem harsh... Okay he tell me, maybe it a bit unfortunate that one Capitano under investigation by Untouchables for links to terrorists, another runs a website for lovely girls in skimpy undies, and his Moonshine Specialist recently got pulled over for driving under the influence of own product.

But it no reason to panic he say, Borough residents are tolerant bunch, well known for their lively and good-natured support for local calcio-team Millwall, and while they might be bit miffed that another old friend of his now in sing-sing for dealing unethical pictures to Belgians, he pretty confident that he still has respect.

"Everything is under control. Isn't that right?" he say to his deputy Capitani Picchione. She appear not to hear and seem to be concentrating very hard on smiling and showing me pictures of her in lots of other London Contrada looking even more full of joy. Apparently she getting promotion soon to our elite London corps for keeping an eye on the Magisterium, so swotting up on his favourite haunts.

Other Capitani also seem to be smiling a lot and nodding vigorously. They asking me lots of good questions about other Contrada and I real impressed by their urgent curiosity and happy spirits. Even local Labouristi thugs seem delighted to come up to our group and offer to buy them drinks. Although the way they keep asking for lifts to shops to get more bottles and buy saucy magazines get really annoying. So Plankton dispatch 'Babyface' Thomas to show them concrete foundations of his latest regeneration project. They suddenly all have urgent business elsewhere. I guess they not that thirsty.

I no see problems here, jut happy Capitani doing good things for local people and the Family. I report back to Don Campbell the good news about the happiest Contrada in the United Territories.

Heathrow Aeroflot, we care

2007-08-13T22:45:00.000+01:00

I currently on fundraising mission near Heathrow Aeroflot terminal at annual jamboree for yuppie hippies against flying.

We very popular down here. When a bunch of goons from British Aeroflot cartel attempt to gag the hippies, Signora Kramer send team of crack Liberali lawyers to explain to flyboys about meaning of civil liberties. Our lawyers can be very persuasive, particularly when demonstrating alternatives to a robust respect for human rights.

However these boys no come cheap, so today we collecting our due. Hippies not kind of people you can run usual squeeze on, so through Signor Hunhe we have new approach that involve fusing respect for traditional hippy values with classical Liberali market racket.

Our individual carbon credit cards are big hit. It very simple idea. Everytime you buy hippy-shit that bad for planet, like holiday in Goa or importing low-power solar panels from China, you pay Liberali family 1% towards our sustainable protection scheme.

Funds raised from this in part go our Foresty Commission in Sicily to plant trees. Acres of new green shoots now stretch across sites of old industrial wastelands and abandonned lemon groves and just happen to be near spanky new Rennard Enterprises paper-mill that supply most of Liberali family Capos with tactical Focus artillery.

Rest of cash used for shipping costs and occasional emergency paper supply flight. It not cheap to smuggle a container load of refined orange gloss round Bay of Biscay, particuarly if you need to dump some fuel to dodge customs.

Naturally advertising for scheme talk rather more about big green trees than big red ships and little white planes, so hippies happy, and I join them booing as latest by-election pony-express zoom overhead to land. It good business to care.

Shiny happy Policeman holding guns

2007-08-04T21:01:00.000+01:00

The Magisterium Committee sure is leaky ship. Our deliberations on who to entrust with the task of eliminating Labourista Magisterium Livingstone, and his army of nasty lizards, seem to known to just about everyone.

First I'm down Little Sicily Working Dons Club when Toby McSleazy, a freelance tabloid paparazzi of my acquaintance, crawl up to me at bar and rasp

"Liberali, oi 'ear that Signor Opik, the Estonian Strangler, may 'ave designs on the man in the big glass lampshade on the Thames... u 'ave any comment on that?"

"You crazy McSleazy, what give you idea like that?"

"Let's say a little bird was at the Magisterium's 'London Territories loves Eastern Europe' party last week and Signor Opik woz not impressed by just 'ow much love Signor Livingstone was suggesting he'd like to show to the Strangler's Romanian companions. It woz proably the suggestion about breaking down border controls and his open door policy that really did it."

"He proud paisan" I say "nothing more than a little rivalry between men of honour. You looking in wrong place for man to whack the Newt-Master."

"oi think we will see won't we Don Liberali..." he say slinking off into corner of bar to molest a bowl of cashew nuts and eyeball a young-looking barmaid.

Anyhow, my actual job this week was to vet real contender for button-job. Signor Paddick is ex-Untouchable who used to hang out with Inspector Blair the dodgy Labouristi pig who pick me up last month. Paddick and Blair hate each other ever since Blair attempt cover-up for rogue Untouchable unit that whack Brazilian tourist by mistake when following Blair instructions to pick up something Arab-looking in Paddick's Lambeth turf.

And that's where I am now to meet Paddick in favourite cafe off Kennington Rd. The Amsterdam Connection is not my usual haunt. Outside it all green, red and black and large leafy plants fill windows. Through door I almost choke on sweet-smelling smoke that invade lungs and avoid tripping over student wearing 'touch my bong' t-shirt crashed out horizontally just inside.

"Err... like cool... thanks man... peace... try the Stockwell Oval it's like... the bomb..." he burble before passing out again

"LIBERALI... is that you..." scream a voice from the back of the cafe "GORGEOUS trench coat... and where did you get those shoes... they're to die for... mmm the combination... it's just so spine-tinglingly old-world Sicilian... you must let me know who your tailor is... I bet he could do wonders with some crepe and a good trilby..."

He then give me full-bodied hug and smack on the lips

"Er... thank-you" I say "You must be Signor Paddick, Signor Davey send me to check you out for Don Campbell."

"I bet he did, the naughty tease, such rugged charm... why don't you park your pecs under the Van Eyck and unleash something special from the menu while I go tinkle the little Sergeant..."

He disappear off to little room at the back.

I sit down and glance at menu before ordering an espresso with a little afternoon chocolate cake. Soon Signor Paddick rejoin me and we get down to business.

"So Signor Paddick, you know why we here, the Magisterium create plenty trouble for Liberali family and Untouchables alike through creatures like Blair. Are you man to do something about it?"

"Oooh I think so," he say "Livingstone, he's such a ghastly little man, and the way he dresses, it looks like he fell out of the nylons reject rack at Primark. And besides that he's trying to replace this cafe with a 50-story towerblock made from..." and he shudder "brushed Aluminium and faux-wood concrete... ugh."

"O.k... so you got heart" I say nibbling my cake "but how you going to do it, Signor Livingstone hard man to reach."

"Well I've been thinking about that" he say adopting a less flamboyant posture "A solo assassin won't do it, you've tried that, and besides he has too many people with a vested interest in his projects that owe him favours. What you need is an army, a coalition of the dispossessed who Livingstone has railroaded with his crooked property deals, transport scams and massive protection payment rises."

"I'm listening" I say "How do we find these people"

"We start here Liberali."

I look around, apart from shimmery glow that outline denzins of cafe, which is really cool and make me feel kind of floaty, I not sure I see much here that amount to muscle. A little bearded man in a plaid shirt keel over and vomit in display of novelty clogs. Signor Paddick detect my scepticism.

"They don't look like much now Liberali he say" flickering slightly with pleasant orange hue "But give me 8 months and the use of the Liberali printing presses across the London Territories and you'll see what I mean. Oh, and I'd also like two guns, a big one in chrome, with inlaid gold filigree, military walnut grips, and laser targeting with night-vision... and something dainty for my fanny-pack... oh and nothing Russian."

I nod smiling, Brian is my best friend and I give him big hug, before walking out to report good news to Signors Brake and Davey. I barely notice trail of cashew nuts by door, or sound of furious scribbling.

Next morning our meeting all over Evil Standard. Added a real bummer to my killer munchies.

But I not in article, Brian send me big bunch of flowers with lavendar apology note which I save for next time I late home to Mrs. Liberali. Committee also not seem entirely displeased. Figure it will distract Livingstone from some of his other projects, so no harm done.

The countdown to his doom begins today.

Disharmony on the Conservatori chorus-line

2007-07-30T23:32:00.000+01:00

It not been great month for Hollywood Don Cameron and his Conservatori Family faction of contemporary dancers. Apparently old Conservatoris are pining for days when Signora Thatcher, the Iron Don, used to keep order in the United Territories by chucking Union Leaders down open mine-shafts. Not so many open these days though.

"It used to be case that if a member of one's caporegime wasn't working, one could slap him around a bit with an old bicycle" say Signor Leigh of the Conservatori Cornershop faction. "Now one is expected to give the idle bugger a hug and say 'there, there, tell Uncle Edward all about your unhappy childhood and have a lollipop', then sing a lullaby. One is decidedly unhappy with the Don."

"I love a good show tune myself," say Signor Duncan of the Centre for Progressive Close Harmony Singing, "but Don Cameron needs to set a clear score, otherwise it's just a bit Lilly Allen, if you know what i mean."

"Frankly," say Capo Osbourne, "I'm his most loyal supporter, but phewee what a bell-end."

Things so bad that Don Cameron recently visit Rwanda in effort to recruit new bodyguards with experience of war crimes and a good rhythm section.

Don Campbell remain quietly detached from this bout of ill-fortune and spleen-venting in our close rivals. He send token of sympathy to Don Cameron. Although what use he will have for old vinyl copy of 'I like to ride my bicycle' with his iPod I not know. Puzzling indeed are the ways of the Don.

The Magisterium Committee

2007-07-26T23:00:00.000+01:00

A good week of fund-raising for the Family, we been busy selling flood protection insurance to the residents of Hampstead Hill.

However, I attend secret meeting tonight. The Committee for the Assassination of the Magisterium is body that plan the elimination of evil Labouristi leader in the London territories, Signor Livingstone. Livingstone is well protected, with vicious reputation for dealing with opponents, so we struggle to find button-man.

Last one we send, Signor Hughes, have lucky escape when bomb under yellow taxi miss him by seconds due to length of time he stand on pavement talking to local paisan about history of post offices. Time before that, Signora Kramer tried to train her cat Whittington to do the job. She hadn't though counted on Livingstone's protection ring of killer newts. One feline is no match for fifty small lizards with vicious nibbles.

This time Signor Brake, Capo of our Carwashington chapter been hunting round for overseas contract killer. It brilliant plan. Signor Livingstone spend lot of time trying to build coalitions with overseas crime families, like Castro-cartel in Cuba and Qatari Mujahideen. An emissary from one of his former allies might be able to get close enough to finish him off.

Search though still ongoing. Amazing how many top international killers appear to be busy with sniper training courses or ninja reunions when nature of job explained.

Conservatoris we understand have entrusted same task to Floppy-Golightly, the Henley Romeo, who favourite disguise is that of oafish buffoon. A mask he wear so effectively at times, that he marked for death should he ever renter territory of Litttlepool. Not wise to walk into middle of football pitch during minute's silence for hostage and accuse entire crowd of being soft.

We though need volunteer for Livingstone job, before worrying about whether to give Floppy's home address to the 'Friends of Anfield'. I be monitoring our progress with interest.

Heroic Victories for Don Campbell

2007-07-20T22:01:00.000+01:00

Tonight I rest my weary feet after great victories for Don Campbell in our street wars in Little Ealing and Trumpton.

My day started early with Signor Rennard's Good Morning project, a method of subtle encouragement designed to ensure local people know who is Godfather in this town. It involve switching on megaphone, pushing open letter box at 4 in morning, and inviting occupants to show Don Campbell their respect. Generally it also involve not hanging around long enough to receive their tokens of gratitude. It personal attention that count.

Later in day we hear that Signor 'Bollywood Tony' Lit of the Conservatori is preparing to launch his great musical number on High Street in bid to woo residents to love Don Cameron's new Conservatoris. Tip-off though must also have reached Labouristi, who turn up in force at one end of street while we obstruct other. Signor Sharma have bought full contingent of Kali cult fanatics wielding a variety of shasters, with Signor Watson lurking in background swinging his old phone mast from hand to hand.

Signor Bakhai assess situation... "I think we hang back, see what happens and wait for the special vans". I not disagree, Signor Watson have particularly evil glint in eye and I pretty sure he one who yell "Oi Liberali you soft on gangs or something?"

Signor Lit though is not deterred, and in a moment a thumping bangra beat that sound uncannily like opening sequence to "We are the Champions" is booming from a line of loudspeaker cars that line the road.

"Now my warriors" he yell to assembled Conservatori,, "Unleash your chakrams on the Labouristi... compassionately, and let us show Signor Sharma and these Hindi devils who are the masters of Little Ealing."

He pull small kirpan from his belt and iron circle with sharp edge from under suit, start singing, and run at full tilt towards the nearest line of Labouristi cultists. His colleagues do likewise and soon the chakrams are flying, doing considerable damage to the Labouristi ranks,

"We are the Champions (slash, hurl) - my friends... (lunge, thurst), And we'll keep on fighting to the end (parry, chip), We are the Champ..." they singing.

Signor Rennard is standing back scribbling notes.

"Interesting technique this new Conservatori have... crude... a little out of tune... bit showy for my tastes... not yet convinced how effective it will be..."

He have point, Labouristi are bloodied, Signor Watson have lost top of phone mast, but there are rather lot of them and second rank carrying Thrishulas and Farshas, look considerably more ready for Conservatori than first.

"Unleash the Brahmastra" scream Signor Sharma.

Suddenly large black limousine roll into view. Door open and who should get out but old Labouristi Don, Signor Blair. He look Signor Lit in eye. He look sad, but with ever so slight glint. Suddenly car stereo break out soothing strains of Elton John and Kiki Dee. Signor Blair break into song

"Don't go breaking my heart..."

Signor Lit falter, he look confused, he try to mumble "No time for losers..." but all that come out is "I couldn't if I tried..."

Signor Sharma look triumphant, Conservatori look aghast. They are in disarray, falling back, the Kali mob advancing.

"Time for the special vans I think." say Signor Bakhai

"I agree" indicate Signor Rennard who make guesture to flunkies.

Into view swing a fleet of five Xerox trucks that line up along road. Canvass flaps fall aside revealing a line of large white machines.

"Risograph artillery... wait for it... steady... Focus boys... Focus... and... fire..."

There are few men that can remain standing when 200 bundles of compacted leaflets hit them full in chest, but some of Conservatori make decent fist of trying before burbling beneath the onslaught "We are the... urgh..."

Labouristi not looking too clever either, Signor Watson keel over with red target package in groin, but their numbers are telling and it soon clear we running low of ammo.

Signor Lit though see all is lost and is leading dwindling band of survivors back to Sunrise HQ. The doors close and we see lights going out as he barricades himself on roof. A new tune is starting to the strain of subdued sitars...

"There's no time for us... there's no place for... what is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away... From us... Who wants to live forever?... Who wants..."

Signor Lit clearly have bad day, and he still out of tune.

For us though things also not going great. the Kalists are still advancing and two vans are burning. Signor Sharma is yelling something about unleashing his Pashupatastra on us, and Signor Rennard motions that it time to leave to consolidate what we got.

We retreat to factory fortress and Labouristi look in no mood to follow. Sharma had bit of shock tonight and there now parts of Little Ealing off limit to his thugs.

News also come in from Trumpton that Conservatori have been slaughtered by early morning tomahawk raid, whereas we now control two whelk stalls and local Post Office.

Don Campbell arrive to congratulate his brave soldiers. Killer Bakhai bask in glory of mighty advance of 3% of our territory... it heroic day for Liberali Family.

The battle of Trumpton Green

2007-07-18T22:33:00.000+01:00

Signor Rennard clearly so impressed by my work in Little Ealing that he send me away for few days to help our caporegime in Trumpton, where the retirement of Don Blair create huge turf war between families.

Capo "Watcher" Stone is pleased to see me.

"Oh God... Liberali" he say "help with security and try to stay out of trouble. We putting on show of strength for local paparazzi on Trumpton Green today, need to avoid any confrontations."

No problem think I, so first Labouristi cugine I bump into, I warn them off being anywhere near the Green at 12:00. He sure seem to get message, run off straightaway, not looking back.

But some people just won't take hint. While Watcher and our soldiers assemble we see growing crowd of Labouristi in stripy shirts gather nearby. They led by fat man with spiky hair and tomahawk. Eventually they stroll over like they own place and soon trouble kick off with much name-calling on both sides. I make comment to spiky-head to put his little tool away, at which point he go very red.

Presence of paparazzi though stop anything too unpleasant and Labouristi thugs soon drift away yelling curses as they leave.

Next day I back out with Watcher in Newty-Ass market, shopping for pasta for boys, when spiky-head turn up again. He look plenty mad and storm up to us.

"My name is Big Chief Sen of the Labouristi, in insulting my spiritual warhammer you have insulted my tribe. I will be avenged."

"What tribe that" I say

"Ancient tribe of Newcastle New Moon Hopi. Labouristi promise my people supercasino, but thanks to Liberali family whining, project move to our hated rivals in Manchester, then cancelled altogether. Liberali family and Newcastle Hopi are sworn foes, you have no right coming to our ancient burial grounds, speaking with forked tongues."

"Odd Chief." say Watcher "According to Family archive we pretty sure you grew up in Nottyham, live in Streatham, and make living working for retired old Labouristi Capo who own fancy factories. Last time we hear about you up here was many moons ago moping about losing poker games in Northern Echo and selling Daz to housewives. I'd have some reservations about claiming this land as your own."

Signor Stone's incisive analysis do not appear to improve Big Chief's mood.

He seem to be thinking about reaching for tiny totem of tribal pride, so I hurry Watcher away to waiting car, leaving Chief to unleash his fury on gormless colleagues who stand around with camera phones rather than get involved.

Watcher so grateful for my quick thinking he send me back on very next train to Little Ealing. Signor Rennard so delighted he have me getting up tomorrow at 4 a.m. to do some special and important business just for him. It promise to be great day for Liberali.

Bollywood Tony, the Blair Years

2007-07-15T00:50:00.000+01:00

Well, we is all pretty shocked, seem Hollywood Tony, Don Cameron's choice of Conservatori Capo in Little Ealing, is best friends with former Labouristi Don Blair. Labouristi hit squad leave brown envelop full of incriminating photos with local paparazzi, showing the two laughing and smiling together, only week before joining Signor Cameron's Bollywood project.

Signor Lit issue statement:

"It is true that in the recent past Signor Blair and I attended rehearsals for small amateur dramatics performance of West Side Story. We have shared love of theatre and while Signor Blair hogged limelight in lead role of Anton, it was my talented and sensitive portrayal of Bernardo that first caught Don Cameron's eye, making me ideal man to direct his new Conservatori approach in Little Ealing.

Most significant contact I had with Don Blair during that time was when he stab me at end of Act 1 twice on week-nights, three times at weekend. Play teach me valuable lesson in perils of gang violence and need for old Conservatori men of honour to move on from our violent past.

O.k... so I may have pay him a few times for extra acting lessons, but apart from that, it was purely two professional men of honour sharing their love of thespian excellence. I now of course wish to remove the stain of the Labouristi from Little Ealing forever in a communal non-violent way involving puppets and mime."

Smoke-filled Trains

2007-07-14T11:27:00.000+01:00

Milling around Little Ealing print-works today I feel myself irritable and devoid of usual chippy good humour. Signor Borrowman have me supervising cugine in construction of famous Molotov Rennards (MRs), a bundle of newspapers, tied with organic hemp and soaked in bio-fuels, that used to persuade truculent business types to use Liberali Family recycling bins for disposal of unwanted currency.

In nervous irritation, I'm all fingers and thumbs and splashing more ethanol on suit than newspaper.

"Liberali, you're going to end up smelling like the old Don if you don't relax" say friendly voice of Signora Elspeth. "I know exactly what ails you, wash that off, pick up your gear and I join me outside, but for goodness sake don't tell Menzies."

Five minutes later we out by moat with roll-ups and Sicilian home-grown. I’m soon having crafty one with Signora Campbell and small collection of equally furtive paisan, who also look relieved to be taking break.

Soon we feel troubles lifting, and even dodgy old out-buildings of Little Ealing operation look strangely comforting in the haze.

I drift away from group a little, lost in thought. I consider feeding ciggy butts to ducks in moat, but remember previous reaction to other local produce and think better of it.

Through the yellow mist, a figure lurch into view, look around to see I am alone and then whisper to me,

"Liberali, big secret. All I can say is Platform 9 and 1/4, Paddington, tap the wall thre times, the password is 'Ron Weasley is better than Voldermort',. Tell no one, just be there tonight."

Figure lurch off again with great stealth, interspersed only occasionally by quacking and whispered noises of "ow, ow, get off you feathery bugger".

Rest of day pass better after that. Come dusk I pack a couple of MRs in my emergency case and make way to local station. I'm soon in Paddington and hunting for strange platform which I find behind big advert for new kiddie film.

I knock on wall on few times, and eventually what look like brick painted on a metal panel is slid back. Throaty voice say:

"Password?"

"Er... new weasels is better than older sort..." I stumble.

There is what sound like tittering behind wall.

"... good enough, push the no smoking sign to your right and stand still."

I do. Suddenly floor is travelling down very fast and I find myself standing in what look like abandoned old Underground station.

Across platform ahead, couple of carriages sit on old track, glowing in gloom, as light disperse through curtains covering doors and windows.

I walk over. Doors swing open exhaling a familiar scent and cloud of promise that tonight will be good time for Don Liberali.

Inside train has been gutted, and interior redecorated with familiar leathers and woods of Liberali Club near Westminster. Many old paisan are here, lounging on recliners, reclining on loungers, puffing cigars, cigarillos and one or two hubble-bubbles. All having fine evening away from prying eyes of world of rules upstairs.

"Signor Liberali!" shout familiar voice "come and join us!"

In corner I see my old friend, and former Don, Signor Kennedy stretched out in large red armchair. He throw me packet of Sicily Lights and offer empty chair to his left.

"Mineral Water for Signor Liberali!" he shout to flunky "Russian-style I think, ice and lemon... if I remember your preference correctly"

"Very kind" I say "This great place Signor Kennedy, how long you had it?"

"Thank-you Don, it's actually a legacy of my predecessor Don Ashdown. There's a network of these old railway stations under the Territories that used to be used by his former Untouchables colleagues for training. When the Labouristi had a war with the Untouchables, many who knew about these places disappeared. They fell into disuse, and we have been exploiting that opportunity since my retirement."

"Prohibition is back Don Liberali, the new rules on smoking mean we now don’t just have a set of useful bunkers, but a chain of highly desirable premier smoking-clubs. The Ginger Nails are going to make a fortune!"

"That brilliant Signor Kennedy, Don Campbell must be delighted."

Room go very quiet all of sudden.

"Ah… we don't actually intend on telling Don Campbell about the Ginger Nails... it's more a of a private thing between friends… Trusted friends who need a place to go and enjoy mellow moments in the company of other trusted friends. Capisce paisan?"

"Of course Do... I mean Signor Kennedy, As you know my memory terrible, too much vino play havoc with recollection of detail, and Don Campbell far too busy with important affairs to Family to worry about little side-action from old protégé. "

"Grazie Signor Liberali, now relax, enjoy yourself... here's your water, try not to drop ash in it."

We have great evening, catch up on old times, and he tell me plenty good stories. I leave very relaxed, so relaxed it only later that realise I left suitcase at club.

Reminder come next day when I see picture of very grumpy Signor Kennedy in local Sicily Express, hanging out of window of what look like club with cigarette in one hand and blackened remains of handle in other.

MRs and environment of the Ginger Nail clearly not good mix.

Make me think smoking bad for health, particularly if I’d left my name on anything in the suitcase. Have sudden urge to go buy Nicorette patches…

4% off Protection Payments

2007-07-13T00:24:00.000+01:00

So, Don Campbell call meeting of Liberali Family to discuss impact of Don Brown's new slums proposal.

"This is troublesome", say the Don "As soon as we propose to free up our Capos to build again, Don Brown pops up with a very similar proposal and people forget that it was ours in the first place. We need a new idea, one the Labouristi Don cannot take from us. What are your thoughts my generals?"

There is deep cough.

"Yes Knuckles?"

Signor Carmichael has creased his furrowed brow and from the rumbling noise from the bowels of his throat is clearly about to propose idea;

"We could... er... like increase protection payments for all the really successful businesses... maybe to 50%"

"A worthy thought Knuckles, but the old Don, whose recovery from vino-poisoning we all crave soon, none more than I, tried that idea. It didn't work so well. The Family banker said he got rather tired of being kidnapped and beaten up by men with nice ties who used to want to give the Don even more money as a sign of respect. No we need a different tack."

There is shrill squeak from the back of the room

"Yes Signora Swinson?"

"We need more wimmin!"

"Quite possibly true Signora... but I fail to see the relev...

Signora Swinson raise her eyes up to heaven

"Look Padrino, you can send all the old-style bully-boy thugs you like to some people and still the Family is no better off... wimmin can be persuasive in other ways."

Many of my old paisan shifting uncomfortably at this suggestion, Signor Oaten has gone pink and Signor Opik, who until that point had been concentrating on texting girlfriends in Romania take sudden interest in meeting.

Signora Swinson start turning red.

"Calm down colleagues," say Don Campbell, "what I believe Signora Swinson is of course referring to is proper funding for the gender-balanced hit squad, a crack team of assassins whose deadliness is enhanced by their diversity of methods."

Signor Opik cross his legs and resume text-message.

"Thank-you Signora, it is of course an excellent suggestion that I intend to implement fully in the fullness of time, however today we need ideas for raising finance not spending it."

Signor Laws nudge Signor Cable forward and cough;

"Yes Letteropener, you have a suggestion for us?"

"Er... yes Don... Knuckles' methods may be crude but his heart is in the right place. There are various exemptions from payment currently enjoyed by the men with shiny ties that I feel they would not miss if they were, shall I say, forgotten. There are also various Conservatori paisan who feel it appropriate to drive down our streets in their over-sized delivery vans who perhaps should feel obliged to pay a toll or two for the privilege. If we do that then we can not only scrap the hated Consigliore Payment, but also knock 4% off existing protection payments for some of the small businesses currently impoverished by the yoke of Don Brown's terror. Our coffers will be still be full."

There is silence

"Fuck-me that's brilliant" say Don Campbell, who seem to have reverted to old Glasgow street slang in moment of euphoria. "I'd like to see the sheep-strangling bastard's face when we put that word out."

Sound good to me also, I only recently sold van, and much easier for boys to collect big sums from small number of people than little bits from everyone. Il Padrino has spoken.

Labouristi to build more slums

2007-07-12T00:33:00.000+01:00

Don Brown of the Labouristi been driving around local streets lots today. Occasionally he stop, get out soapbox, and stand on it and shout at local people. Being relatively inconspicuous in my Trilby and overcoat I drift over and listen.

"People of United Territories, I bring you great news! The Labouristi are your friends and if you are friends of Labouristi, if you are our key workers, we going to build you new homes. Glorious homes, decent homes, homes fit for my own paisan (who sadly won't be living in them due to existing swanky pads in Belgravia)."

There is murmuring in the crowd:

"We wouldn't need new 'omes if your Capos hadn't been shipping over their nephews from Eastern Sicily for the last few years to work in Tescos. 'Ow do we know these new 'omes won't just go to friends of the Family?"

"Paisan, paisan, I feel your trouble, of course these homes will be for you. Regrettably we are successful land these days, we attract many new people to our streets. Welcome friends in the main, friends who bring with them many new skills and benefits to our lives."

"These friends are reasonable people, they do not want glorious new homes, nothing for them can anyhow replace the memory of lemon groves they left behind them to work here to ensure your McVities Crunchy Cream Crackers are available on three for two deal every Friday."

"No, these kind people, when we move you out of drafty old homes with those large rooms that so hard to heat in winter, will sacrifice themselves by moving in. Meanwhile you, you lucky people, will have the benefit of our new 80-storey compact community blocks. Tower blocks so gloriously efficient that 400 homes can be kept warm with one windmill on roof."

"I am humble son of Scottish sheep strangler, this thing is least I can do for you."

"And now my paisan I must depart, Signora Brown is doing up our second Sitting Room and want help with picking curtains from Habitat."

It sure is exciting think I, plenty of work for men of honour in building trade... and many of the best of them are my cousins in Sicily. Only question is where they going to live when building new blocks?

The growing storm

2007-07-11T00:10:00.000+01:00

The turf war in Little Ealing hot up plenty in last days. It seem some Labouristi not take too kindly to Signor Sharma new appointment as acting Capo, and breakaway to form alliance with Don Cameron.

"We are music-loving men of honour" they say in statement left nailed to the corpse of rat with red rose stuffed up bum. "We admire Don Cameron's attempts to bring sunshine, laughter and Sunday afternoon Variety-Acts to Little Ealing."

"We no like Signor Sharma and his demands for chanting praise to Kali whenever he enter room. It bit freaky frankly. And we all make better Capo than him. We also not happy that Don Brown send Signor Watson from Brummie Town down to Little Ealing. He welcome us by making big speech about respecting diversity in the Family and then offer us all tickets to see 'Behzti' at local Brummie Town street theatre. Never have we been so insulted"

Meanwhile 'Killer' Bakhai, the boys, and me continue to make inroads against old Labouristi territories and scams. Conservatori so worried that they send Signor "Warhammer" Shapps to infiltrate our operation.

Signor Shapps is cunning master of disguise, only maybe information about Liberali Family a little out of date. He spotted when he turn up to printing franchise wearing "Penny on Protection Rackets for da bambinos" t-shirt, sandals, and dodgy ginger beard.

Don Campbell laugh so hard that he minded to spare Signor Shapps and instead send him back to Don Cameron minus t-shirt, sandals... and pretty much anything else on his person. We let him keep beard though, a man is entitled to some dignity.

The Carpet Warehouse of Doom

2007-07-05T10:54:00.000+01:00

After little too much vino yesterday afternoon, I get lost in back-alleys of Little Ealing and find myself stumbling into the yard of an old carpet warehouse. Delivery doors are open and the carpets look very comfy, so I clamber between rolls of Axminster and Wilton and am soon sleeping it off.

When I wake it must be some hours later as only light come from flicking bulbs in loading bay. I think about getting up and finding my paisan when a stream of headlights pull into bay and many men get out of some long black saloons. I find sudden urge not to move and sink deeper between squashy tubes.

From this vantage I see man I recognise climbing out of largest car. It is Capo Tom "da rat" Watson of the Labouristi, a dangerous man who once beat to death Liberali enforcer in Brummy Town with mobile phone mast.

He draw up table and three chairs and sit at head of it surrounded by Labouristi goon squad.

From the other end of the warehouse, a tiny old man who I not know, walk towards him followed by a train of large men with strange headgear and yellow scarves, swaying from side to side and chanting what sound like "Kali Ma... Kali Ma...". Maybe little old man's mum called Carly?

"Signor Watson, welcome to my small and humble enterprise, say the little man. We apologise for our meagre hospitality but we trust that Don Brown's emissary is pleased to be with us on this night." he say. Maybe Signor Watson visiting his mum?

"Cut the crap Sharma and sit down" say Signor Watson "And make sure those gentleman with you remain in the light where we can see them. We will wait for Signora Nirwal and then we will get down to business. And please do ask them to stop that awful drone".

"I do apologise if my Thuggee and their meditations offend you Signor Watson, I do find them useful though for removing troublesome visitors who occasionally stray into our territory. Perhaps some refreshment will lift our spirits and help you recover from your journey. Ras malai and barfi for Signor Watson" cry the little man, clapping his hands.

One of the tall gentleman, who seem pretty pissy about stopping his mumblings, disappear into the warehouse office and come back carrying tray full of colourful sticky things. I feel pretty hungry, but rumbling tummy not good friend to me right now. Signor Watson though must have eaten, he simply stare at tray with passive face, while the little man tuck in to big orange thing that dribble honey all down chin.

Signor Watson grow impatient.

"Where is Signora Nirwal?" he ask.

"If it pardon the Don's Emissary, I am but a humble servant of the local chapter of this Family and am not privy to the movements of all my paisan's movement." he reply.

Signor Watson does not look convinced.

At that moment I freeze, something is moving in the rug next to me. It can't be one of the tall gentleman, I may be boozy old goomba, but I can count, and I still see everyone who came in earlier. Whatever it is, I give it good hard kick, and it stop moving.

"You are of course aware of why we are here." He say, not expecting answer, "After Capo Khabra's unfortunate run in a large pile of newspapers that mysteriously fell on him from the lifting crane of a local branch of WHSmith, we need a new Capo."

"In his lifetime Signor Khabra expressed the desire that he be followed, by someone unlike himself, a modern woman who grew up here and has powers of persuasion over the young that he felt were lacking amongst his own generation. Don Brown also has sympathy with the wishes of his dear departed friend. So we are here tonight to offer that opportunity to Signora Nirwal."

This does not seem to phase old man in way it might, it after-all seem like snub.

"I of course have the highest regard for the wishes of dear departed Signor Khabra and my Don" he say smiling, "yet there is the issue of reliability. Time is pressing. The Liberali and Conservatori are making trouble on the streets, the businesses are confused and afraid and we have lost many payments."

Signor Watson drum his fingers "Where the hell is Signora Nirwal!"

Carpet next to me start softly moaning. Happily noise is so muffled by thick fibres, I pretty sure no one hear. And second good kick sort out any doubt.

"Well I can't wait here all night," say Signor Watson. "As you say time is pressing and we must restore leadership. The Don will not be happy, but Signor Sharma, consider yourself acting-Capo until we can determine what has happened, and for God's sake man dust those coconut flakes off your suit, you have an example to set."

With that he get up and depart with goon squad. Signor Sharma, smile relaxing for a moment, then pack up table, issue order to Thuggee disciple to pick up 'special carpet', and make way to cars.

Seeing Thuggee come my way I role on other side and dive under a pile of rugs. My strange neighbour, still in carpet, is lifted into waiting van, yellow scarves are tied around both ends. "Kali Ma... Kali Ma..." they echo again. Maybe Signor Sharma's mum get new carpet after she not get to see Signor Watson?

When they gone it give me time to pick out real nice rug for Signora Liberali, who be plenty mad at my late night. Not so sure about the red rose design but maybe good for utility room.

Conservatori see light

2007-07-03T23:30:00.000+01:00

After Signor Rennard suggest to me that hanging round Little Ealing franchise not making best use of my talents, he put me on induction-duty with new recruit, recent defector from local Conservatori faction. We sent out with cugines to learn streets and ensure Signor Gupta not run into old best-friends.

He brave man, but last night found deadly warning on doorstep, a small oak bonsai with all acorns nibbled off by squirrels. The sign of the Tebbit.

So I chatting to Signor Gupta about past and ask him why he join us.

"I been Conservatori for some time but always admired Liberali family. These new changes in Conservatori Family are not to my liking. Don Cameron he sail into town last week with that bangra-boy Tony and he show us no respect."

"He say 'good news paisan, Tony here is your new Capo and we're going to make a Bollywood movie! We are a modern compassionate Conservatori Family and the public must see we are their friends through the medium of dance!. To cut a long and painful story short, next thing we know we are all learning lines for musical number in Uxbridge Street market and... and..."

Tears begin to well up in old man's face

"he made me wear T-shirt saying 'I hate grammar schools' in front and rotate in circles so camera see back saying 'but not yours'."

I let old man weep on shoulder, he clearly suffer much, the new ways of Conservatori are dark and troubling.

No fire without smoke

2007-07-02T23:30:00.000+01:00

So I am down in Little Ealing print-franchise talking to Signor Rennard about how we eliminate local competition. Franchise is cleverly hidden in abandoned warehouse in old industrial estate surrounded by defensive moat where live some pretty aggressive ducks who act as early warning mechanism in case of intruders.

The new local Capo Signor Nigel "Killer" Bakhai is currently feeding them local spicy bread which make them quack a lot and bite Signor Davey who is attempting to talk to him about security.

"So Liberali" say Signor Rennard "We have a cunning and brilliant plan to eliminate the Conservatori playboy."

"That great Signor Rennard, what is plan?"

"Tomorrow he believes he is having a meeting with agent for famous Bollywood producer. Only this is no agent, or at least not one of the type he is expecting."

At that moment I swear I see Signor Hitchens of our cultural-relations magazine business walk past with shoe-polish, some of which appear to be applied to face not shoes. He funny fellow.

"The agent will lure him to a meeting at a cafe near the Broadway. At the moment he sits down an enormous quantity of leaflets will be dropped on him from great height, ensuring his swift and gruesome demise."

"That sure is brilliant plan Signor Rennard", I say, "Only is it not same plan we use in Hartypool, Brummy Town and Bromchester? Might they not anticipate this move?"

A funny look enter Signor Rennard eyes, I get strange feeling he visualising large quantity of leaflets over my head. He make me nervous so I fumble for my cigarillos and light up.

"Liberali are you perchance smoking inside a building containing 100,000 newspapers soaked in highly flammable orange ink, against the express wishes of Don Campbell's print-shop smoking policy?" he say calmly.

"Perhaps you better go and finish it outside with the ducks."

I begin to think this great idea and besides Capo Davey look in sore need of smoke.

Dealing with traitors, the iron fist of Don Campbell

2007-06-30T20:11:00.000+01:00

Don Campbell, Consigliore Kirkwood, Capo Davey and I sit in conference. Capo Davey is speaking.

"So let me get this straight, last week we were worried that some of our 'retired' button-men in the old hoods home were talking to Don Brown, and we made it clear to them that any step in that direction would result in the severest of penalties?"

Signor Kirkwood begin to stare up at the ceiling.

"Now, despite that warning we find two of the old lags, Neuberger and Lester are signed up to his 'panel of consigliores', and "whacker" Williams is thinking about it."

"So I ask you Don Campbell, what is the order? Can I summon Signor Laws perhaps to cash in their health insurance policies, Signor Rennard maybe to use them in his next targeting exercise? What is your wish Padrino?"

Signor Kirkwood has found something real interesting in window that captivate his attention.

"Capo Davey", say Don Campbell, "You are good solider. But I am your general. There is a time for war and a time for consolidation. At this moment we are weak. The Labouristi have a new Don and new regime. We need eyes and ears in that organisation and the Don has opened a door."

"Neuberger, Lester & Williams, paisan with whom I have spent many a dark night walking the territories, are no fools, but their cover must be convincing. Consequently I have ordered this night that Capo Teather be dispatched to 'educate' them. It will be a warning and Don Brown will feel that his plan is working."

Capo Davey look unconvinced, but mention of Capo Teather and 'education' seem to unsettle him.

"Your concern is welcome" say Signor Kirkwood, "The Don would have expected nothing less of you. But you will leave the insiders unmolested. Take Signor Liberali and work off your concern in Little Ealing. I understand the Conservatori have appointed a Bollywood playboy to control their operation and those shiney linen suits crease so easily."

"Thank-you both, don't let the Don detain you any further."

It is raining in Little Ealing, I miss Little Sicily.

Interview under caution

2007-06-29T13:18:00.000+01:00

It funny thing. I walking down market street in Little Sicily, when all of sudden, screech of tires, blue lights, and I is pulled into back of car that take off at high speed.

Either side of me sit two gentleman. One in uniform introduce himself as Inspector Blair, the other who wear big overcoat and low brimmed hat he introduce as former-Inspector Stevens.

"Liberali" say Inspector Blair, "naturally we hate to detain you on such a lovely day, but it has come to our attention that there was a little trouble in Little Brixton the other day. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?"

"Signor Blair, I am simple businessman of modest ambition and means, what interest would I have in affairs outside Little Sicily?"

"Cut the crap Liberali" interject Signor Stevens "We are watching you, and your colleagues, and we have friends who don't take kindly to trouble in their projects."

"Friends?"

"Let's just say... I have a friend... a friend who doesn't like rival businessmen importing goods on his territory. Let us say he has an international security problem and has retained my services to ensure it doesn't become a domestic one. "

"If there were such domestic trouble... he might get very angry. He might call me, and I might call my friend Inspector Blair... who in turn might feel the need to visit you and your colleagues. Is that understood Liberali?"

Car is feeling very stuffy and my mouth very dry. He go on...

"I know what you're thinking Liberali, you're thinking, I'm just a businessman, with my own friends. What can Inspector Blair do to me?, I have rights."

"Maybe you do... maybe you don't Liberali. Maybe my friend is so powerful that some of those rights can just disappear. You remember that gang of Afghanis who tried to cause trouble the other year?... you do?... oh good... where do you think they are right now?"

Part of me think it smart at this point to indicate at least a couple are down Streatham-way running kebab and BBQ shop. Good boys, only other week helped us shift a stock of gas-cylindars that fell off back of lorry. Also buy my cousin's old Mercedes cash-in-hand. But Signor Stevens no look like he up for chit-chat.

"There are some very unpleasant places in parts of the world Liberali. Places where there are no juries, no friends of your Don, and nothing to remind you of Little Sicily. These of course are not places that social people have to worry about Liberali, so I do hope you and your friends are not thinking of being anti-social?"

At that moment Inspector Blair get call on radio, apparently some big ding-dong going down near Piccadilly.

"Out you get Liberali, something important has come up. I hope though that Signor Steven's little chat has been instructive and we will not be meeting again soon?"

"Grazie Signors" I yell as they throw me in gutter.

I feel strong urge to go buy kebab, very troubling day.

Stop the cuts

2007-06-28T15:15:00.000+01:00

I am nervous man today, Don Campbell has summoned me to see Signor Norman "Beast" Lamb, our Capo responsible for drugs rackets in the united territories.

Beast have fearsome reputation. A couple of years back a small bookstore owner with friends in the Conservatori Family, Signor Dale, attempt to set up a franchise on his turf. We no know exactly what happen, however soon after Capo Lamb visit his shop, apparently to 'buy the latest Harry Potter', Signor Dale disappear from Upper Norfolk Street, only to reappear a few months later with his own TV station that every night plays a coded apology to Signor Lamb for any disrespect. The bookstore mysteriously burned to the ground.

So I is summoned into Beast's Office. He is sitting facing the window.

"Ah good morning Liberali, good of you to visit me", he say.

"Good morning Bea... I mean Signor Lamb, how can I be of service to you today?" I reply

"Tell me Liberali, are you nervous man, a man who is easily shaken perhaps?"

"Er... no", I lie.

"I am glad Liberali, so I take it that single bead of sweat on your forehead I see glinting in the reflection of my window is due to the thick fibres of the suit you recently procured from... I would say British Home Stores."

"Yes I say", feeling several more beads of sweat forming, some in more uncomfortable places than forehead.

"Well, one should always buy Italian. No one likes to look at an SOS from BHS. Later you will go to Don Campbell's tailor and smarten up I think. Now though we have business to take care of."

"Grazie Signor Lamb."

"We have a little difficulty to attend to in our pharmaceutical business, Liberali, I need you to follow me and listen while I explain."

We walk out of office, down to back entrance to the Cowley print-works, and start making our way towards Little Brixton.

"An elderly lady came to me last week and she said, 'Signor Lamb, Signor Lamb, woe is me'. Calm yourself, I said, what is the problem we can take of?"

'Signor Lamb, I have much trouble with back and knee for many years. For many years I use your friends to provide me with special cigarettes that relieve my pain. Signor Beveridge always give me good deal, sometimes free at point of smoke. But when he pass on, his business taken over by Labouristi thugs who start cutting the weed, firing chemists, and forcing crazy sales targets on the dealers. Now cigarettes no good, I in so much pain Signor Lamb, will you help me?'

"I said to the lady, I am a reasonable man, I feel your pain, we will take care of this business for you."

"That is what we do today Liberali. And you will take what we do today to run similar campaigns against Labouristi in other parts of the united territories."

Now I really nervous, Labouristi been embedded in drugs rackets for long time and they no pussy-cats. However Beast seem confident.

Soon we in Little Brixton and we see the Labouristi Patsy Hewitt crew hanging around outside their special cigarette cafe making the chit-chat with punters.

"Wait here" say Signor Lamb.

He walk over to cafe and engage with one of the crew.

"buon giorno", he say "I am representative of your customers and have some proposals you will listen to." The punk look at puzzled. One of his colleagues I think recognise Beast, turn white, and start shuffling away. He regretfully trip backwards over my foot.

"We like you to stop the cutting our drugs" say Beast, punk look unconvinced

"We'd like you to cut the waste." he reiterate, punk seem to start experiencing dawn of realisation.

"Just give us back our drugs, bastardo!" scream Beast as he grabs punk and throw him through window.

What follow all rather unpleasant, suffice to say we have new business in Little Brixton and no one see Patsy Hewitt's crew round here no more.

I off now to teach Signor Lamb's persuasive techniques to other members of the Family.

Rattling the Enemy

2007-06-27T12:07:00.000+01:00

So after I see Signor Gove for vino yesterday, I wander to our legitimate printing business on Cowley Street to see how Don Campbell and the boys are enjoying the Conservatori's new trouble.

From distance though I hear strange noise like slow machine-gun fire. It o.k. though. When I sneak around back I see Signors Davey and Rennard with the crew out doing something odd with little sticks and metal poles, while Don Campbell look on with approval.

"Ah Liberali" he say, when he see my puzzled expression. "When you've quite finished lubricating your interesting friendships with Don Cameron's wardrobe advisors, perhaps you could deign to join us in training for our new strategy for keeping him and Don Brown out of our businesses?"

"Of course Don Campbell" I say, "er... what exactly is it that we're doing?"

"Well I would have thought that was obvious. The Dons are not patient men like me, they get irritated at the slightest thing. So what we're going to do is send the boys out to run up and down the railings outside their businesses with these sticks until they get so annoyed that they come out and do something foolish. The Untouchables will then move in and shut them down for us... We take over when the noise is off.... I am calling it operation Cage Rattle... It is brilliant no?"

Before I can answer I hear Signora Elspeth yell from building "Meznies, it's time for your afternoon nap, come inside at once and tell the boys to stop making that bloody racket.". The Don raises his arms in victorious resignation and leaves the courtyard.

Signor Davey does not look happy again. "Put the bastards in a cage and shake them up I said to the Consigliore. How did we up with a plan involving little sticks?". He storm off and Signor Rennard has that far-off look in his eyes that suggest the question not require an answer.

I decide it maybe good time for vino again. Little stick make good noise if I line up enough bottles.

The Pinstriped Assassin

2007-06-26T22:15:00.000+01:00

So I'm sitting out on the piazza in downtown Millbank enjoying vino with Signor Gove of the Conservatori, and I say to him "So Gove you pretty smug now I think, you think new Don Brown is weak and maybe 'Hollywood' Cameron can move in on his turf."

And he say to me "Liberali, it only matter of time. The associates in Little England, they grow tired of the Labouristi and their demands for protection payments. We are reasonable men, we offer same level of protection, but for lower payments. Provided the businesses keep thriving, it no problem, we call it the threat dividend."

At that moment something funny happen, From Westminster we see Don Cameron's chauffer-driven convertible pull out of the Parliament speak-easy and come towards Millbank. From the river we see the immaculately pinstriped form of Conservatori Capo Quentin Davies strolling towards the road swinging his Mapin & Webb umbrella.

This is odd I think it no raining. I why I see Don Brown's blacked out limo parked near the bridge.

Don Cameron see Signor Davies and gives him his famous windmill wave. Suddenly Davies leap into the road and thrust his brolly towards the Don, screaming "Die, you vacuous Euro-hating, celebrity-loving, flip-flopping, puffball".

It a lot of words. Maybe a shorter speech and his brolly not end up embedded in the folding bicycle rusting in the other passenger seat. Everyone so shocked they not know what to do, giving Signor Davies time to run to the river and leap into waiting car that speed off towards Queen Street.

"Nice brolly" I say to Signor Gove. He seem strangely quiet with twitchy left-eye. Maybe vino no good.

Iraq, forget about it

2007-06-25T20:45:00.000+01:00

I see the new Labouristi Underboss 'Hatchet' Harman is in trouble with the men of honour already. Apparently she make comments to the effect that the whole 'Persian Oil' thing was all a bit regrettable which do not please Don Blair. He have to remind her he still a few days from retirement by signing up her bambinos to the Family business in Basra.

So suddenly she remember it great idea after all. "What I actually said was the Bushi Family are people who deserve our respect. Obviously it not great we couldn't find the Hussein Family stockpile, but hey we got the oil subsidy, what's the beef?".

And the she go on "And when I said those Hollywood Dons and their smooth-talking ways were bringing unwelcome publicity to the Families, what I of course meant was Mr Director, I'm a'ready for my close-up."

Don Blair is most pleased with his protégé.

Don Brown names Underboss

2007-06-25T00:00:00.000+01:00

The regime change at the Labouristi family progresses brutally with the appointment of 'Hatchet' Harman as Underboss to Don Brown.

I confess not to understand the ways of our rivals. The Underboss of our own organisation, Vince 'Letter Opener' Cable was appointed by Don Campbell. It is a simple thing and avoids any unnecessary unpleasantness.

In the Labouristi candidates must lean on their Union contacts. The one who promises the most favours and skim for the Don is the winner.

Fortunately for Hatchet her main squeeze is the Don's banker Jack 'What Loans' Dromey. A man of some influence. His teamsters were ultimately more than a match for the main contender Alan 'the Postman' Johnson and his gang of telephonists and newsboys.

It's quite a comeback for Hatchet. Don Blair sent her for a nice long holiday after messing up the payment of favours in the projects in 1998. She later came back to act as liaison to the Labouristi's suitcases, but she was not expected to advance under Don Brown. Letter Opener will no doubt be looking forward to their next encounter.

Is the Don a Catholic?

2007-06-24T09:01:00.000+01:00

So I see Don Blair of the Labouristi is being retired. We know this coming for a long time, but we superstitious people, "If the corpse is twitching, it's still alive" as my old Caporegime Signor Cyril Smith used to say to me.

Don Blair has been a talented operator for the Labouristi, although he never cause us much trouble. The Conservatori family who used to control the united territories were largely wiped out by him in the infamous St. Mandelson Day Massacre in 1997.

It not go so well for him since then though. His alliance with the Bushi Family and protecting their investments in Persian Oil have upset a lot of the old moustache petes. Paying for it by putting the squeeze on the cugines and allievi with the whole 'tuition fees' racket, has not been so fine with the young turks.

So we not so surprised that now is looking to God for protection from the wrath of new Don Brown.

We no deal

2007-06-23T14:30:00.000+01:00

So Don Campbell he say to me, "Don Brown of the Labouristi, he wants to set up a meeting. Important things to discuss. Make it happen."

I think Don Brown, he is reasonable man, he knows good business, maybe he want to talk about making the peace on the constitution for the Families. We send Consigliore Kirkwood as hostage, they send Capo Balls. No problem.

So the Don he have his meeting and he come out looking pale. I say "Don Campbell how was business?". He say "Don Brown he wants old Don Ashdown to be his new advisor in Irishtown".

I laugh, I say "He crazy, we no fall for that old trick!"

He give me withering look like old Scottish pickpocket who do business in wrong territory. "I said I'd think about for 36 hours."

So later that night I'm at the Liberali Club with some associates. Good vino and I maybe talk a little too much. I no see filthy papparazzi from Guardian hanging out at the bar. Big mistake for me, big mistake for them, I take of care of that business another time I think.

Don Campbell though he no Hollywood Don, he like to stay out of the limelight, so he not pleased to see his secret meeting all over morning papers. Capo Davey he have grim expression on face like man who want to do business with Don Brown right there and then.

I off hook though, my paisan been talking to all kind of papparazzi all day and leak could have come from anyone. Don Campbell though, he have no choice now, no deals.

The ancient enmity between the Liberali and Labouristi family is back on and old Don Ashdown he find a nice copy of Wittgenstein and a feather in his bed this morning. He knows to which family he owes his loyalty.

We no take the insult lying down either, we going to make some trouble for Labouristi family in little Ealing where the rackets look ripe for take-over. Capo Khabra he sleeps with the fishes tonight. You don't cross Don Campbell.