Liberali Family is in Liverpool this weekend for Spring Family Gathering. I take this as good opportunity to stay at home and work on lemon trees, but have sent enthusiastic cugine up in my stead.
For Liberali Junior, my nephew, this will be first Gathering. So he still full of keen enthusiasm and optimism that less evident amongst those in regular attendance. For now though he leaf through briefing papers on socially responsible carjacking and benefiting from cross-border crime with with wide-eyed wonder and curiosity.
He been pestering me with questions all week about which way he should indicate his support on various pressing matters like what to do about children who bit slow, preventing lawyers getting more of our money, and whether or not our drugs rackets should be run by Capitani, directly selected foot soldiers, or some combination.
On this last point I advise him to avoid discussion altogether and go and learn how to meet girls in bars. It advice I give frequently to members of Family internal governance structure, but for many I fear it too late.
He ring me last night to say this precisely what he do. Although I not sure he get it quite right.
"I see training session run by Signor Mathon, a London hitman, and Signora Harper, a consigliore, called Winning with Women" he say.
"How that go for you" I ask
"It little disappointing. Not sure it great advice. Most of training seem to be fashion tips on how to conceal a Beretta in a twin-set, and when I try and mimic Signor Mathon's chat-up lines later in bar it not very helpful."
"I see pretty girl who work for Don Clegg and say to her she have nice eyes and 'professional-looking demure demeanour that look good on leaflets in non-threatening or overly -flirty-manner'. She pour drink on head."
"So when change shirt and try more conversational-style. Going really well with new Capitani from Little Sicily until I ask her if she like to 'come back to my ward and spend weekend extorting support from local residents;'. Her eyes glaze over and she suddenly rather talk to Capo Opik about his harmonica."
"Did you try and buy anyone a drink?"
"Yes, but Signor Mathon say I should not do this until I 'have extracted a commitment for at least one evening of tactical support at time of local turf-war'. It not prove easy. One girl though do ask me for glass of water, but call me an environmental criminal when I get her a bottle. Luckily Signor Cable giving away fruit juice from his new line of Dr. Cable's Smoothies range, but most Liberali women seem more interested in vodka. I think that he have them in mind when he decry the pity of binge-drinking."
"How Liverpool for you otherwise."
"It great, not like you say at all. Still have hub-caps on hire car and no one in a suit was preparing for their day in court, except the ex-Leader of our Capitani. We making a fortune up here, so many building-site rackets going on that enforcers all getting very fit dashing between them. Even Signor Rennard putting his tracksuit on tomorrow to relive some of the triumphs of his youth."
"That good news, you learn something then?"
"Yes, if you work hard all year round you don't get to meet many women."
That my boy...