Monday, 31 December 2007
"Nothing is more important to the future of the Family than our precious bambinos. And nothing is more pernicious to the future of our children than the scourge of the modern-day Fagins in the advertising industry, who prey on their innocence with offers of Cheesy McNuggets, Triple thick-shakes, and extra-large McFlurry Sundaes.
Sometimes they even enhance their offers with plastic representations of what my friend Mr. Eno tells me are popular children's characters like Harry Potter, JaJa Binks and Lembit Opik.
Only yesterday I was sitting down a breakfast of organic cheeses and home-baked nut-bread, that I had prepared for Mrs. Clegg and the children, when my youngest demanded a Triple Sausage McMuffin with Curly Fries.
I was so angry I put six bullets into our plasma screen TV, as most sensible parents under unbearable pressure would, and have banned them from watching Horrid Henry... unless they cry a lot, in which case they can watch Bratz... on DVD, when Signor Alexander has replaced the television.
Advertising to children is a blight on the modern Family. Consequently the Directors of several publicity agencies have been marked as legitimate targets until such a time as my toddler stops making unreasonable demands for Happy Meals and mini-Whoppers.
This does not include my friend Gavin Grant, whose company Burson-Marsteller has an entirely wholesome relationship with popular toys of high educational value."
Saturday, 29 December 2007
This totally original idea for Liberali Family. It not like us to demand a big committee meeting to sort out problems. Or have not much in the way of clue what we want out of big chat, other than to be there nattering in first place.
Already I anticipate cugine and solidati will be rising from slumber to cheer brave dawn of this inspirational idea. Don Brown and Hollywood Don Cameron will not know how to respond to the wave of popular cheering that will greet this electrifying call to sit down and have nice cups of tea for several years before actually deciding anything.
Hooray for brave new world of Liberali Family... moving forward not backward... unless that what Big Talk say we should do... after due consideration... in fullness of time... talking to outside world... not each other...
Tuesday, 25 December 2007
"Fratelli, it gives me great pleasure on this Winterva... I mean Christmas Day to thank-you for all your hard-work for the Family. It is important on this day, to remember the essential of message of Christmas. A message for which I have great respect, even if I don't necessarily believe it. The message of giving.
A theme then of my leadership of the Family will be social justice. It is simply wrong for the Families to be stealing more from the poor than we do from the rich. While I don't believe in crimes of envy, I have great respect for those that do, and consequently we must redouble our efforts to redress the imbalance. I do not want to hear any more reports from the street of soldati preying on the meek, vulnerable and homeless, although there maybe some exceptions.
Another theme of leadership will be education. Nothing is more important to me than education, except social justice, which is nearly as important as education. I hope that is clear.
It is simply wrong at this stage of the 21st century that thousands of inductees to the Family are living lives filled with ignorance and poverty as a result of decades of Labouristi and Conservatori dogma dictating the way we educate our cugine.
It is important we return control over mentoring of our young to the streets where they belong. Unless that results in unequal outcomes, at which point we will introduce brutal central control at the earliest opportunity. I hope the consistency, distinctiveness and uniqueness of that approach, taking us out of comfort zones, is as inspiring as it is daunting in this new era of Family professionalism.
I would once again like to thank the Family for their loyalty, particularly Signor Huhne whose warm endorsement of my authority and friendship is the greatest gift I could have hoped for this Yuletide. We hope our gift of a single lump of coal to warm the Huhne-Cave this winter will be both welcomed and a sound reminder of our social justice challenge ahead.
Happy Holiday and Seasonal Greetings, one and all
Thursday, 20 December 2007
"Ladies, gentleman, welcome" say Don Clegg "I am glad to see so many of you here. Old hands, new faces, those of you who supported me and those of you only lately persuaded. We have much to do...."
I begin to nod off as the Don repeat well rehearsed speech. Through half-haze of waking-sleep I look around room at winners and losers in regime change.
Old-Don Campbell not here of course, although he spending his time reviewing our military capacity. "I get to think about who needs to be shot and how quickly", he tell me cheerfully on phone last night. I then pretty sure he start humming "I got a little list, and they'll none of them be missed".
Signor Huhne is there of course, he thanking Don Clegg for his new role in old job as Capo for Criminal Affairs. "The Don was wise to recognise that this has become an area of significant weakness for us. I will do my best to repair the damage." His ally Signora Featherstone standing at back looking bit grumpy. She been given post looking after Troubled Cugine.
Signor Opik, who also get moved from Rackets to Slums, in better spirits. Before meeting going round colleagues doing routine I no understand. He say "Who's this..." he then flick his hair, scowl, and say "Cugine? Am I bothered... face... bothered... bothered... face..." Colleague then look clueless... and he say "I'm Signora Featherstone" before bursting into hysterical laughter.
He very odd.
Wee Willie Rennie new on the team to prove we still like Sicilians in kilts after ditching Don Kennedy and Don Campbell. He get to organise high-level intimidation sessions. He great, he only Capo in Family able to carry bag of coal that weigh about same as Signora Teather up mountain, despite only being 4 ft tall, and carrying an Uzi in his sporran.
Signora Kramer and Signor Baker have swapped roles. He now Getaway Cars and she now Family Values, although this now awfully confusing with Don not being Catholic. Signor "The Professor" Webb gets Enviro-rackets, Signora Goldsworthy gets to shoot Capitani that misbehave, Signor Moore back in old Smuggling Development role, reporting to Signor Davey who now his boss, and Signor Browne, Capo Don Ashdown liked to call Mini-me, join Signor Cable's team to help with Money Laundering. All else unchanged.
"and that concludes this meeting" say Don Clegg "thank you for attending one and all and keeping your snoring to a minimum Signor Liberali."
It good to be thought of as special by the Don.
I regret humble interweb skills not up to taking picture of whole desktop. Besides little worried old-Don Campbell might recognise leather-embossed olive-wood item that appear suddenly in Liberali family home-office yesterday. Not sure why there list of Capos in drawer either with word Bastardos at the top.
Still able to share picture I use as backdrop on iMac, it snapshot Capo Davey send me from his holiday in New York last year. He most upset, says his sympathetic attempts to dress like locals not go down at all well. He now though looking forward to getting out dressing-up box all over world in new role as Smuggling Shadow.
In spirit of game though I tag Shorty, Nogeek, Hapless, Polecat, and The Knife.
Cowley Printworks is buzzing with rumours we soon to have awards ceremonies for:
Best gossip by an asylum seeker, hosted by "Liberali for less Sicilians"
Queenie bitch of the year award, hosted by "Liberali Gay Mafia"
Best gossip by student with nothing better to do that write diary all day while pretending to study, and whining about debt before blowing loan on cyber-sex in Second Life, hosted by "Liberali Cugine"
Most exciting gossip about saving local Post Office, hosted by "Liberali Association of Local Capitani"
Gossip that make us look like professionals, hosted by "Liberali Wannabe-Capo Association"
Any mention of us whatsoever, hosted by "Liberali Agitants & Thugs"
Liberali Union Thugs, Association of Liberali Pointy-Heads, and Liberali Flat-Landers also thinking about joint award ceremonies for any gossip by their members that understood in outside world.
Biggest problem been for Liberali Tree-huggers who want to hold awards for any gossip distributed without using electricity.
Commenting on exciting new progress Signor "Tango" Alexander, Don Clegg's new Consigliore say
"Naturally the Don is delighted that the first response to his call to reach outside the Family to reconnect with intimidating issues that matter to real people, is for an outbreak of introspective self-congratulation on the part of the Family's valuable quangos. It gives him real inspiration and hope for the struggles ahead."
Today they launch competition to address problem of unfair perception that most Liberali diarists extremely unattractive.
- Hottest Liberali gossip that not Signor 'shorty' Tall or any other man
- Best bit of gossip by a Liberali that make you all hot and bothered under collar (no men or elephants)
- Hottest gossip outside Liberali Family, although this might already be won. Again no men, monkeys, or other life-forms.
The winners, who be judged by team of really important former beauty-queens, professional gossips, and Signor Graham, will be blessed by chance to appear in lots of photos with Don Clegg to promote new Family values of inclusion, diversity and exceptional dentistry.
There also going to be 'Family choice' award that be decided by wider Family community, using a swoonometer.
I really excited by this new progressive contest, but Signora Liberali ban me from researching who I nominate.
Spend too much time already on diary and interweb she say. So all humble man of honour can do is encourage you, my fellow Liberali, to make your nominations to this link
This switch to atheism may be refreshing change. And besides Signora Clegg still bringing up Clegg bambinos in right way, so I still send Clegg family Christmas card with nice pictograph of prodigal son returning to family in end.
We also now have Brian Eno teaching the Don about Cliff Richard so he not embarassed by any paparazzi asking him about his favourite Christmas number ones. This year I backing Bleeding Love for top slot, it certainly has Signor Rennard boogieing around Printworks today.
Wednesday, 19 December 2007
"Never mind," I say "it only old one, not in great condition, not like you break one of new shiny cats."
"Not for want of effort" I pretty sure I here Signor Davey mutter from other end of office. Signor Grant scowl at us both.
Don Clegg come in accompanied by some bloke I pretty sure I see on Crystal Maze many years ago.
"Gentleman really great you could join me today. Let me introduce you to Brian. Brian say hello to Signors Liberali, Davey and Grant. Brian, boys, is a real rock star."
"That great," I say "Don Campbell was always banging on about Arctic Monkeys, you with them?"
"No, Nick is very kind but I'm more of a producer these days, I used to be Roxy Music."
We look blank.
"Er... Virgina Train... For your pleasure... Brian Ferry..."
"Oh yeah," I interject "Ferry cross the Mersey... that brilliant song"
Brian clearly impressed by my knowledge as he look wide-eyed towards Don Clegg.
"Thank-you Don Liberali, but history is not all that important right now, we are here to look forward not backwards. Brian has come to help advise us on reaching out to the young and disaffected."
We looking blank again.
"The thing is gentlemen, the Liberali are out of touch. We talk to ourselves. We need to reach outside our comfort zones and talk to the next generation, our youth, the dispossessed, to those who don't see any need to engage with the Family. Brian can help us do that."
"You saying he know all about doing business touching dispossessed children comfort zones?" I ask "Belgium Family did something like that a while back. Not end well though. Family really not going to be happy about this Padrino?"
Signor Grant drop whole box of pottery. Everyone starring at me taking in gravity of dangerous situation.
"Er no Signor Liberali this is about a building new kind of Family not child prostitution. This is Brian Eno not Gary Glitter."
"It maybe better if you help Signor Grant with the pottery for the next few minutes before we head off to Rotherhithe. Thank-you for your help."
So I got to meet real live rock star today who going help us reconnect with young people into same music I was. It sure is exciting being taken out of comfort zones.
Tuesday, 18 December 2007
They pleased to inform me also that my 512 selectors in Little Sicily decide en masse to back Don Clegg today so that my loyalty to new regime not in doubt. Signora Liberali apparently very helpful in securing my safe return by gathering support personally, not always at gun-point.
I got to say though that compared to team-Huhne these Cleggies are bunch of candy-assed softies when it comes to intimidation. You know where you are with the Huhnies. When I say to Signor Oakeshott that I thinking about decision, he smack me in the face, knee me in groin and yell insults about my mother at me for good half hour. He good man. Signora Featherstone force me to listen to endless tape of local residents in Horny Green talking about broken pavements until my ears bleed and I screaming for mercy. She mighty impressive at getting a point across.
Signor Allen on other hand offer me nice cup of tea and sticky bun. Signors Greenland, Wright, and Sherlock try and create an air of menace by making cell dank and miserable, but Signor Allen keep creeping in with fluffy pillows and insisted on installing anti-SAD sunlamp. I so confused by end of six weeks that I now not sure who I supported.
Still we now all move on united. Signor Huhne issue statement
"I am fucking delighted to be serving under the wise-leadership of Don Clegg. Hoo-fucking-ray for the Don. Huzzey fetch my cheering baton, I feel like doing a march of joy for the fucking leader of men we now have amongst us. Whoopee-fucking-do."
Don Clegg say:
"I am ambitious for the Liberali Family and filled with with confidence that we can go forward together united, even the sour-faced grumpy old man whose Family career is now considered over by every serious commentator, despite no doubt playing an important role in my new regime... for now!"
It sure is good to be part of new dawn for Family. I pleased I back right man, whoever that was.