Ban the Mattanza

As one of few remaining Capos not declared for either the Carbonator or BabyDon, their entourages sure spend a lot of time trying to get my attention. On Saturday I sitting in cafe with Signors "Shameless" Huzzey and "Dr. Evil" Oakeshott who backing the Carbonator.

"The thing is Liberali", say Shameless "we need a Don with the vision to succeed and experience to lead. Signor Huhne, as you know has provided the Family with most of our best ideas of the last few years, and now he leading on bringing peace between the families by proposing we rule out any return to the Mattanza of the 1980s."

"What unilaterally?" I say

"Not exactly" interject Dr. Evil "Clearly we still need a deterrent of some kind. However the Mattanza is an outdated concept. The old war is over. We're no longer in a world of extremes. Today's threats are more nuanced. Would you like me to explain to you about nuanced threats Liberali?"

I thinking probably not.

"What Signor Oakeshott is saying" continue Shameless "is there's no point us mimicking Labouristi and Conseratvori. We need to be distinctive. The Mattanza threat no longer protects business like it used to. Only Signor Huhne has the strength of leadership to deliver a new solution."

"Well I sure think about it" I say, flicking notes on table as I head for exit

"Not for too long I hope Liberali..." mutter Dr. Evil "...the Mattanza has a way of catching up with you if you think about it too much."

Sunday I hanging around outside Cowley Printworks, missing Signora Campbell, my usual smoking partner, when I accosted by two of BabyDon's men, Nice Guy Ricky and Gavin "the Shadow" Grant.

"Liberali" say Ricky "smashing to see you, I was just to saying to Signor Clegg how super it would be if you could come and join us for a caramel macchiato soon. I've just been showing Gavin here how to find one on my wonderful new GPS Starbucks locator..."

"Yes it's a fucking delight." interrupt the Shadow "Anyhow we can't stop long we have some work to do on Signor Clegg's message to the Family. I'm thinking the 'United Territories Liberali Future' should be the over-arching theme... but don't let me bore you with my excessively technical communications jargon."

"You mean like old Signor Oaten fan-club?" I say "That sure brave decision given what happen to him."

"No Liberali" he say through gritted teeth "This is an entirely different proposition based on taking us out of our comfort zones and ending the inward looking naval-gazing."

Strangely these words do not dispel image of Signor Oaten's misfortune.

"For example" say Ricky, gently patting the Shadow on the forearm until he unclenches his fists, "This business with ruling out the use of the Mattanza. Signor Clegg agrees with that of course, but it can't be us acting alone. Real peace requires establishing multilateral agreement with our enemies. It's the easiest thing in the world to declare you're abandoning the old ways. Real leadership requires understanding how to deliver radical change, not just talking about it."

"And the ruthless punishment of traitors." conclude the Shadow "I sincerely hope you will not be giving us any grounds for suspecting your loyalty Liberali. Personally I'd welcome the opportunity to have a 'cause for' moment with some of the old lags, but perhaps it will not be necessary?"

"You can rely on me" I say dropping fag ash all over my shoes, before finding urgent need to be elsewhere, "I no want to experience Mattanza from anyone."

I sorely impressed by both camps ideas and powers of persuasion.

The difficulty of diversity.

At meeting of Inner Circle tonight we taking opportunity of lull in activity by other Families to discuss internal matters. Don Clegg and team leafing through papers and suggestions from internal Family groups. Winter Newsletter of Liberali Womenfolk catch Don's eye.

"Interesting, it says in this article 'Multiple Minorities' that girls who like girls are disgracefully underrepresented in the rulings echelons of the Family. Apparently only one of our wannabe Capos, during last Mattanza, was such a person, whereas there were 21 wise guys who like guys."

Signor Oaten, who has been allowed in to serve the coffee and grappa, trip and drop the biscotti on the carpet.

"Careful Mark" say Knuckles, "I not want to put something unclean in my mouth, huh, huh, huh..."

"Most amusing Knuckles" say the Don. "Signor Oaten you can find fresh biscotti in the store cupboard."

"I shall prepare one for Signor Carmichael personally" he say, as he walks out.

"Moving back to business, I did say when I put myself forward to be your Don, that I would do more to address the issues of imbalance in the public face of the Family. This sounds like a project in that vein. Do I have any volunteers to recruit and vet more lesbians?"

Twenty male hands shoot up

"Er... yes... excellent enthusiasm gentleman... anyone else... Signora Teather?"

"What the hell are you suggesting Don?" she say turning crimson

"Um... I was simply inquiring whether you'd like to take on this additional responsibility."

"No I bloody wouldn't, I've quite enough my plate taking care of the Business rackets. I didn't need a bloody support committee to prove myself..." and with that she stomp out crushing the biscotti into Axminster.

"Er Don..." say Knuckles "I'd like to propose Signora Willott... and Signora Goldsworthy... together... maybe it be to much for one Capo to handle." Signor Browne appear to be having difficulty breathing, as do number of other Capo.

Don Clegg give Knuckles a hard stare.

"I get the sense... gentleman... that some of you are not taking my diversity initiatives seriously." Signor Browne, who has turned unfortunate shade of purple, fall sideways off chair and get covered in crumbs.

"Perhaps 'No men by 2010' could run another talent-spotting contest" he say picking self up and dusting off almonds, "Maybe on Internet so they'd be easy to find"

Don Clegg give him another hard stare.

"You may leave gentleman. I can see I will need to consult more widely on this matter"

"I can lend you some magazines" yell an indistinct voice as we file out, shaking slightly. Pretty sure I hear grappa bottle hitting door as we leave. Diversity sure is dangerous issue that raise the blood.