Another special project from Don Campbell today. In September hundreds of members of Family will spread out across United Territories to intimidate local residents who been dabbling with Labouristi and Conservatori. It important to "bring a human face to spontaneous violence" he say.
As experienced old Capo it my job today to work with Signora Stephenson, Director of Signor Rennard's crack Assassinations Department to organise intimidation training for hand-picked group of paisan who themselves will train others in their territories. So I find myself in old warehouse, wearing my trusty, if not a little rusty, Association of Liberali Capitani Official Trainer badge, surveying room of keen and eager compare, waiting for benefit of our wisdom.
After padding through basics... never break eye-contact... always have a clear threat in mind... ... never spend longer than 30 seconds on any one stranglehold... always slam the gate... it time for questions...
"How do we target our threats?" ask a Capitani from Cardiff Whotown
"It good question", say Signora Stephenson "there no point making indiscriminate nuisance of yourself in territory. You have limited time and many people to visit. Thanks to Family Innovation Unit, we now have special capogeek-tool, the MAYHEM system (Mindless Aggravated Yobbery, Harassment and Executions Modules), that allow us to identify those most likely to respond to threats. Always make sure you use MAYHEM before sending boys out looking for trouble."
"And when we find trouble", ask another from Sheepway Public Lavatories faction "how we ensure we do right thing?"
"Another great question" she say "we like to think of our 'targets' as either 'soft' or 'hard'. Hard targets, you no waste time there. You might be minding own business, offering a little protection for keeping eye on local post box, or ensuring no dog turds through letter box - when hard-target decide to try and knock all your teeth out. Always ensure you holding up your trustly Liberali kevlar clipboard to fend off any sudden moves from hard-nuts."
"Soft targets though usually cave-in at first sign of a Chinese-burn. Some though require more persuasion - with them, always make sure you carrying your rolled-up persuasion literature, and deliver low to the letterbox."
"Other targets, regular payers, we like to think of as Definites and Probables. Probables really just the same as soft-targets, just a bit easier. Definates only too happy to pay protection. You might even want to try and persuade them to have picture of Don Campbell in window to warn off the Labouristi and Conservatori. Sometimes if they particularly keen we consider them for joining the Family. I started that way myself, a sound thrashing at the hands of local enforcer, and now here I am."
"What if targets not in?" ask cugine from Leicester Against Indepenent Liberali Farmers cell.
"This often happen" I say "these days, victims getting better at seeing us coming, sometimes no more than one in ten are in. That when you need this..." I hold up example 'Out-Threat' "Simply aggregate the intimidation of your choice, using old newspaper clippings or the like, and leave with helpful greeting like 'while you were out, we came to inspect your locks, remember only Liberali family can protect you here'."
"Is it important we ask for anything in particular in that week?" say a prospective Capo from Camden Markets
"Not especially" interject the Signora, "the important point is that you are there, and you make it clear you are local. I often find old chestnut 'we know where you live' is sufficient"
"But surely we need a clear request?" they say earnestly "Something that differentiate us from other hoodlums calling on their time?"
Signora Stephenson appear to be writing 'troublemaker' on her kevlar clipboard.
"Allow me to demonstrate" she say. "How about you try and explain to Capo Liberali why he should pay you protection because of our protection scheme based on ability to pay?"
"Erm... Signor Liberali" they stutter "you give me 3.75% of your wallet, we take off 4% from your regular payment, and I be your friend... it our local protection payment scheme... if you no give... you might find Labouristi come round and try and take payment based on size of your patio... " My eyes begin to glaze over
Five minute later when friend from Camden explaining difference between value-added protection and their desire for proper land protection scheme in fullness of time... only for land owners... and I thinking ernestly about paying them just to stop talking, Signora Stephenson kindly interject...
"Eccellente, now Signor Liberali, could you kindly demonstrate Community Intimidation method, assume borderline hard/soft target with history of non-payment...".
I ram my 'Paying Here' truncheon into Camden's unprotected local-target-wards. He keel over with look of educated bliss on face, and I take their wallet.
"Any more questions? Is method now clear?" say Signora Stephenson
There is silence. We real good trainers. I rub my trusty badge with pride. We now look forward to practical assessment in field, and week of good healthy family-business in late-September.