Monday, 3 September 2007

A new kind of mafia

I sitting in my casa today, minding own business, when phone ring. I pick it up and imagine my surprise, as on end of line, it no Liberali caller, but broguish snarl of Don Brown, il Padrino of the Labouristi.

"Liberali" he say "I am glad to find you in today."

"Um, what can I do for you Don Brown."

"Liberali, I believe that the Territories needs a new kind of Family. A Family which embraces everyone. A Family built on consensus, not street fights. A Family that draws on the widest range of men of honour and solidarietà, not the ever decreasing circles of vendetta."

"That great Don Brown, we sure against mindless Punch and Judy slayings in this Family as well, particularly when it us. Are you saying you want Labouristi to merge with the Liberali under Don Campbell?"

The phone line go silent for moment. I pretty sure hear someone in the background muttering something like "I told you not to start with the mick one, Christ what a boozer". But it must be crossed-line, I Sicilian, not Irish.

"Er, no Liberali, I have in mind something more elegant that retains our Family loyalties but allows us to work together constructively. We understand you are a great expert on lemon groves and rural slums?"

"Er no? Little Sicily is lovely town with many slums, but last time lemon tree grow here, local cugine use it make road block to hijack passing Burberry lorry. We about as far from countryside as Don Cameron is from winning paisan-of-year award for man of substance"

There awkward pause on other end of line

"I see, please allow me a moment to confer with my expert research team."

There is sound something that come across like baseball bat hitting a set of bagpipes, and whimpered murmur that I pretty sure sound like "but it was the other Milliband", followed by second bagpipe noise.

"Terrible blunder Liberali" he say eventually "It appears our consultants got mixed up, You are of course an expert on Italian tailoring, we are in fact looking for Signor Taylor. But it was a pleasure talking to you, not doubt when the needs of the big tent extend to a better quality sock, we will speak again."

With that he ring off.

Later that day I find Capo Taylor also get call, and was so delighted to get offer of work on eve of retirement from Liberali family that he accept. Seems offers also accepted by two clapped-out old hasbeens from Conservatori Family. Don Cameron is seething.

Don Campbell though appear delighted when I see him in the afternoon.

"Another pair of eyes and ears in the enemy camp" he say cheerfully "Might have to pop over there soon myself."

"He is of course joking" say Consigliore Kirkwood, with look of determined intensity in his eye.

"That's our Don Campbell" I say "Always up for giggle".

Maybe there something in this new kind of Family, it give me all warm glow inside.

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