So this weekend the Committee for the Assassination of the Magisterium have our final meeting to choose Liberali assassin to target Signor Livingstone. In Liberali Family the final decision on who is given weighty task of assassination is taken by wider Family. Our job is simply to select final short-list.
Signor Davey, he take me aside before meeting for little chat about our task.
"The Don is concerned Liberali, that this is a scrupulously fair selection, where the best polic... I mean ma... I mean person for the job is put forward to the Family. We must have no unnecessary complications. Do I make myself clear?"
"Si, Signor Davey, I sure we get many great applicants for this hit, it not be difficult to choose three good people."
"Yes, again, and I know with your rapier-like grasp of the incisive nuances of complex situations, I barely need mention this, no complications or the Don will not be a happy man. But don't let me interfere, I know how tricky these decisions can be."
So later that day Magisterium Committee convene for last time and sit in panel behind long table. Our first applicant is Signor Mughal.
The door open. A man wearing black cape, white mask, and large theatrical fedora enter... he sweep away the mask with a flourish.
"Yes... fellow Liberali... it is none other than I... Fiyaz, Haringey Capitano, former Deputy El-Presidente to former Magisterium Assassin Signor Hughes. I stalk like the tiger... I leap like an antelope... and I swoop on my prey like the mighty condor. It is I who will slay Signor Livingstone... me... only I can appeal to the disadvantaged groups, so cruelly neglected by this family in the reign of Don Kennedy, but necessary to breach Livingstone's inner sanctums of power."
"Er thank-you Signor Mughal" I say "that very nice costume, you going to opera later?"
"My disguise is I admit a little unconventional, however necessary to fool Livingstone in under-estimating me, no one expects Signor Fiyaz Mughal...! And when they do... Ha...! it is then too late."
"Er thank-you Signor Mughal."
"Deputy El-Presidente, my arse." mutter colleague, as he leave. I must admit it not post I heard of before, but sure sound impressive.
The next applicant is Signora Fernando, formerly of our Leicestershire faction, who now consigiliore in old Finchley stomping ground of Conservatori Iron-Don Thatcher. She dress very demurely, come in quietly and sit politely waiting for first question.
"So you're a woman then?" say fellow panellist. She glower at him
"I believe that is fairly evident. Would you perhaps like to ask me some questions about my plans to assassinate the Magisterium? Or were you hoping that I'd make you a nice cup of tea before vacuuming this rat-hole and pressing your trousers?"
Tea would be brilliant I thinking, would really hit spot right now.
"That won't be necessary," my colleague continue "Please do explain your plan."
"Most attention, during the next few months will be on the Conservatori assassin Signor Johnson and Livingstone stalking one another. That gives me opportunity. The Labouristi and Conservatori will not expect me, I will confuse them, and that confusion will give me my chance. A slim one I admit, but a risk I am prepared to take for the Family."
Two sugars and cream I am thinking. I real thirsty now. I note approvingly that colleague is ticking boxes on some form with picture of Signor Davey glowering at him in the header.
"Thank-you Signora, that sounds like an excellent offer, we will consider your request."
She get up and leave, but we still have no tea.
Next it is old friend Signor Paddick, he wearing leather pants, and tight t-shirt with Lambeth Mafia emblazoned on it in rhinestones. He wink at me.
"No cakes today please Brian" I say "this is business, we give you rigorous interview now."
"Indeed" say chair of meeting. "Signor Paddick I have one question. Would you like to kill the Magisterium?"
"Eccellente. Thank-you Signor Paddick, that will be all, please do send in the next candidate."
As Brian leave there is sound of kerfuffle and arguing in corridor that go on for about a minute. Signor Davey pop his head around door.
"Sorry to interrupt gentleman, it appears all the other candidates have been so impressed by Signor Paddick that they have decided to voluntarily withdraw. Do not let me detain you in your weighty deliberations any longer."
Well we think, we need three, we have three, it sure tough, but in absence of nice cup of tea we anxious to wrap up. So that conclude business of the Magisterium committee. Now Family must decide.