Thursday, 27 September 2007

Community intimidation, out with the goombas

I out in Little Sicily today as part of Community Intimidation Week. Don Campbell is concerned by growing reports that Labouristi are preparing to hit the mattresses as early as November and we are disciplining the cugine to be ready for trouble.

Accompanying me on doorstep are two old Liberali cronies, Linda 'the Knife' Jack and Tom 'Liberali Polecat' Papworth, reliable goombas who can be trusted in shake down for the Don.

I just finish helping local university professor understand wisdom of contribution to Liberali plans to stop Labouristi charging entry to his students when Jack the Knife take to me to one side.

"Liberali" she say "I can't help but notice that every time you target a house it's the man you demand gives you the money."

"Um si, I feel more comfortable that way, it's what I know."

"Well it's not very fair is it?"


"Look, we're never going to create an equal Family if we constantly reinforce gender stereotypes in our intimidation techniques. It's bad enough that of the three of us out tonight, two of us are white Sicilian men, shocking actually when we consider lovely Signor Fiyaz is available and so very experienced and energetic at putting the frighteners on."

"I sorry about my colour, tan tend to fade when out of Sicily more than two months. I ask Signor Fiyaz about tonight but he off with Signor Hughes attempting to recruit some ex-Tamil Tigers for special ops against his Singhalese rival Signora Fernando."

"Fascinating, but not my point..., observe"

She walk up to next door and ring bell. MAYHEM intimidation card tell me family of public sector professionals live there. A couple open the door.

"Helloooo, Ms. and Mr. Postlewaite is it...? lovely... can I interest you in the protection of Don Campbell?"

The man begin to speak.

"Sorry love I was talking to Ms. Postlewaite... Janice isn't it... red really suits you... these trying times must be so hard to make ends meet what with all the nonsense the Labouristi have been up to with your jobs..."

Polecat drift over to observe as well... conversation continue for a couple of minutes, couple smile a lot, Mr. Postlewaite occasionally look very sheepish. Soon Jack the Knife is back with big bunch of notes.

"See" she say, "all it takes sometimes is a woman's touch. Mrs. Postlewaite has made a handsome contribution and agreed to put up a poster of Signora Kramer, Mr. Postlewaite has agreed it's absolutely disgraceful that he earns 20% more than his wife and doubled her contribution, adding 40% by way of apology for his gender's crimes against wimmin."

We very impressed.

Polecat though take me aside and say.

"That's all very well for these modern progressive families, it doesn't work though in the streets with big houses where the Conservatori used to hold power, before Hollywood Don Cameron decided they were going to ditch their old territories to reach the people who shop at Primark. Allow me to demonstrate."

He take us down more salubrious street near Little Sicily Riviera and select family who both work in banking sector.

"Hello Mr. Jermyn" he say when man in pin-striped trousers, red braces and stripy shirt open door "Ede and Ravenscroft I see, exceptional tailoring, tell me have you ever thought about diversifying your portfolio into Signor Huhne's renewable hedge fund... Signor Cable's protection against inheritance theft perhaps...?"

He again continue for several minutes and come back with handsome bankers bond that should see little Liberali through university, whatever Labouristi do to them...

It sure good to get out in community with friends.

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