Tuesday, 29 January 2008

Conservatori Family Values

Although I life-long Liberali I do try keep up good relations with other Families where possible. Only this weekend for example I down in Eastbourne visiting old friend Signor Waterstone the Conservatori buttonman for retiring the elderly.

Signor Waterstone is traditional Conservatori who believe in Family values. He bewailing to me state of cugine.

"It's ghastly Liberali, I don't know what to make of young people today."

"What you mean Nigel?" I say

"Well look at the teenagers running around at the moment, no discipline at all. Sure they steal, they rob, they mug, didn't we all, but there's no elegance to it. They have no respect for the old ways."

"Sure Nigel, but what can we do about it, different world these days."

"It's about example Liberali." he say rising angrily from his leatherbound club chair "Samantha! Crispin! downstairs now!"

Two rather dishellved young people enter the room. I rather concerned to see Crispin has a black-eye.

"These are my children Liberali. When they misbehave or break the Family's rules I subject them to reasonable chastisement."

I detecting look in Samatha's eyes that suggest some debate about how 'resaonable'. Crispin appear to wince when Nigel walk past him swinging his arms in his military way.

"Now some parents might believe that a stern word is sufficient. Perhaps they believe in the naughty step... or the hoodie recruiting step as we call it in this household... Not I sir... oh no... we do not spare the rod in this house... nor the baseball bat... nor quite often a set of bicycle chains... or spell in the Family dungeon learning the error of our ways next to the rotting corpses of those that cross Don Cameron."

I beginning to think my friend Nigel not all there up top as he get increasingly wild-eyed and starey. Samatha is anxiously looking towards front door.

"And what is the result Sir... you may well ask... fine upstanding decent children... young people who uphold our ways... no wide-boy gang members here... no Sir... no granny-bashing young thugs... oh no... happy-slapping you say... they'd rather spend a night at the opera with their grandparents... these are young adults who respect the Family"

"Actually Dad," say Crispin "We've just reported you to the Untouchables for sadistic abuse. They should be here imminently with the team from the child witness protection service."

I quietly make way toward back door and leg it over fence, leaving Signor Waterstone opening and shutting mouth like guppy. Suspect next time I see him might be visiting hours. Hope he get better soon.

Back in Westminster find time to drop into office of other Conservatori pal Derek "conman" Conway.

"Ghastly man that Waterstone." say Derek "You can't treat children that way and expect them to grow up respecting the Family. Me I treat my children with love and kindness. Isn't that right Freddie?"

"Fuck off dad I'm revising."

"Ha ha, what a wit my boy can be. Seriously Freddie it would be awfully sweet if you'd get your daddy and guest some tea and biscuits. You are technically working for me today."

There is sound of grumbling next door as kettle plugged in. A surly teenager eventually come in and put two mugs of hot water in front of us with selection of used teabags and broken biscuits.

"Er I think I not thirsty" I say

Freddie scowl and hold out hand.

I look blankly at him.

He scowl at Derek

Derek shift around uncomfortably

"Um thank-you Freddie you may go now"

Freddie looks like he's holding his breath

"Daddy and his guest don't want a display Freddiekins"

Freddie is turning blue

"Oh for goodness sake" say Derek reaching into pocket and thrusting a tenner at him. On taking the money, Freddie skulk off to resume studies next door. That is if studies involve on-line poker and large supply of Pringles.

Derek look very miserable, so to help out I later report Freddie's behaviour to Family monitoring team in Westminster to ensure he get proper training in how to help his dad. It good to do favours for friends, even Conservatori.

Sure none wiser though on what they think of as Family values. Much better in Liberali Family, or so Mrs. Liberali tell me as I cook her evening meal, wash up, and put bambinos to bed.

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