I host meeting of Liberali Euro Enforcers in Little Sicily tonight. It not warm but I want to show off new garden grill, so we hosting outside on terrazzino, using patio heaters to keep out the chill. To help out, my friend Capo 'Supertram' Mulholland, serving the drinks. It task we occasionally give to junior Capos as it important they learn to show respect before being allowed to rise up the ranks in the Inner Circle.
Guests arrive one by one. There's Signora Lynne of the Rochdale Cyrils, the Baroness, 'Glasgow Slasher' Attwooll, Badboy Billy, Signora 'Cheery' Bowles, the other Baroness, 'Mumbles' Duff, 'Wildchild' Wallis, 'Junky' Davies, and 'Euronut' Watson who currently leader of group.
This group of hardened killers responsible for massacre of many of our opponents. Although no danger to me, I still feel shiver of terror down spine in presence of so much murderous talent. For instance, last man to cross Junky Davies end up fleeing to Conservatoris for protection after a ruthless massacre of his caporegime across the North West territories. I careful to greet each with care and attitude of humble respect, as they gather in garden.
"Alwight a*******s, any you old t*****s want a drink" say Supertram.
The Baroness not look amused
"A vino would be delightful" she say
"F****** choice" he say pouring a small glass "Get your gnashers round that grandma, and flop your a*** on a cushion."
Euronut is looking at me in way he usually reserve for Signor 'Little Sicilian' Hannan of the Conservatori enforcers. Enforcers take a very dim view of bad language. Very traditional world they live in.
"Shall I load the c****** steaks on the barbie Don?" yell Supertram
"Er thank-you yes" I say as Enforcers, ignoring further offers of beverages, get down to business of discussing Reform covenant between the Euro families.
Not something I understand much about, but Don Clegg careful to explain to us all last week that it covenant not contract, although all the words the same, and this why best to let Enforcers get on with it rather than troubling wider Family. I no understand why this important either, but Don Clegg very clever man, so assume it for best.
Suddenly there knock at door and I remember we misssing 'Nanny' Hall, perhaps the most dangerous Enforcer of all. Only woman alive who can silence Don Clegg and Signor Huhne with a single look.
"Give it a f****** push, it's open" shout Supertram
An icy blast blow through house as Nanny make her way to garden.
"Hello Fiona" say Euronut "do take a seat, we were just discussing the key matter of the qualified subsidiarity proportionality test to the allocation of turf-rights in the distribution of cross-border sub-prime transaction swindles, and Signor Liberali was flipping burgers."
"I will not seat myself in proximity to the devil heaters" she say
"Um... what?" say Euronut
Nanny lift accusing finger towards patio heaters. "The devil heaters" she wail "the symbol of Hades that burns the vapours of the emtombed trees of ages past, polluting our skies with prehistoric carbon. It must not burn!... It must not burn!..."
"Burger?" I say
"Aieeeeieieieiei" she scream "animal charred on the griddle of Satan, take me away from this place of evil."
"c*******-hellfire" contribute Supertram
"Perhaps it would be prudent to turn off the garden equipment?" suggest Euronut
This I do and Nanny appear to calm down.
"I will chew an organic carrot while I compose myself" she say.
So we return to meeting. Everyone soon wretched with cold, and less than satisfied by salad with ice-crystals forming on tomatoes.
But no-one appear to have heart to move inside after I indicate might have 100W halogen light-bulbs in every room and 1970s chest freezer in kitchen likely to set Nanny off again.
Still least Supertram go quiet, so maybe some benefit to this simpler-way after all.