Bon'annu novu

So that was 2010. Not best year. In coma. Woke up end of year. Still not see Don Clegg. Understand though he most concerned about whether have brain damage. Although no understand why Get Well card ask whether it get worse.

Spending New Year with Family Consigliere Signor Rennard, who lose a lot of weight, call himself Signor Fox, and has developed ability to use computer. No end to talent it seem.

He say he keeping eye on me until better. Is helping recovery with important folding therapy using large pile of threat letters for OldSaddlebag turf war. His kindness undimmed by extreme diet.

Bon'annu novu Liberali

Capo Hughes Access Enforcer

Well I very pleased for my old friend Capo Hughes. It look like he accept new job making cugine protection racket easier to understand for ragazzi used to beatings.

It real problem for Family. Try to make things simple, some just do not get it.

Time wiseguys spend holding heads under water, smashing up possessions, and otherwise inflicting instruction, could spend collecting from ragazzi with lower pain threshold.

"It great deal" we say "pay the dues and our protection stays with you for life".

"No money now... no problemo... we give you little loan... you pay us back when ready"

"No money later... you no pay"

"Worry about debt... forgetta-about-it... after 30 years you free from all favours"

"Worry about interest... badda-bing... only blingy kids pay the full Family rate"

"Still don't get it... Capo Hughes have a little protection fund for special cases"

As the Capo say "is perception rather than the reality" that issue with protection rackets.

And who not trust this face?

I sure we soon see big uptake of great new deal.

Congratulazioni Signor Hughes!

Village notice

It very kind of village bulletin board to post Christmas message whilst recovering from extraction of last bullet. Something I put behind me, as did cowardly gunman.

Don Studmuffin

I in lot of trouble with the Don this week. While I being entertained by Don Clegg's henchmen last November, we talk about stuff on occasion. With Signor Grant for example we chat about problem with Capo Clegg image.

"The thing is Liberali, I'm a little concerned."

"Why that Gavin?"

"Well Capo Clegg is more 'new' Family than 'old', some people even say he appeals to women."

"What point of that?"

"I know... I know... but ever since Signora Pankhurst and her (shudder) progressive ilk secured full access to the Family it's been seen as quite an asset in a Don."

"Sure explain why Signora Clegg keep giving lady Capos filthy looks."

"Uh huh... anyhow that's not my point, the flip side of all that 'girl-power' is that, well how can I put this delicately, the Capo can occasionally seem a little feminine... it doesn't go down so well with the real old men of honour... you know... like you."

"Sure, Signora Liberali say she glad she with man with no feminine side, and I should under no circumstances ever consider making decisions about what's in our home. I think she say this when visiting bachelor pad while dating."

"Fascinating... I would love to hear more... however the issue is how do we improve the Capo's appeal to real men?... Do you have any ideas?"

"He could shoot Capo Huhne in the face?"

"Uh huh... uh huh... I'm thinking starting a Family blood-bath might lose a little more marginal support than it gains and be quite expensive... it can be a burden to be a marketing expert sometimes... think a little more about the image than the substance."

"Well he could talk about man-things a bit more and spend a little less time on all this diverse Family stuff."

"Mmm interesting... do go on"

"What about he do interview with 'real men' Paparazzi like the 'Moron' who write for PoshWank magazine"

"I'm listening..."

"He could talk about man-stuff... favourite gun... bullet-proof car of month... organising hits on his Blackberry... fun-stuff... wiseguy-stuff... make him sound modern man of honour as well as ladies man"

"Very good... any risks?"

"Um... no don't think so... not like it serious anti-Family magazine..."

And with that he dash off to talk to Signor Clegg. Interview not used at time, but turn out PoshWank saving it for later.... and it seem Don Clegg may have got his brief confused. The Moron got him talking about other stuff as well, which not quite get headlines Signor Grant looking for...

"PoshWank Exclusive: I'm like a Tommy Gun in a whorehouse claim Don of Liberali Family"

"10... 20... 30... I've had so many I've lost count... say Don Clegg"

"Good... was I good... let's just say when you're used to Nissan Micra you're going to notice a Hummer in the driveway"

"Is my wife satisfied?... well she begged me not to become Don, so I guess she wasn't looking for less time together."

"Have I cheated?... er... I don't think so... despite being the Leader of the most sensationally attractive Family... I'd like to think I've only got eyes for Signora Clegg..."

Signor Moron inexplicably publish that last comment under subtitle "He's a shagger, oh yes he is."

So I be taking holiday for a while I think... and not letting Signora Liberali hang around the Printworks too much when Don is around...

Liberali Cugine... Solid Gold

Liberali Junior sure having busy month. Only just back from Liverpool and already he helping Signor 'bully-stomper' Gettleson, leader of the Liberali Cugine, organise his relaunch, with Don Clegg.

I no understand cugine these days, so I not sure why LC need relaunch. But Liberali Junior assure me it very important.

"It like difference between Yellow and Gold" he say.

I stare at him blankly, but glad he thinking about gold, show some promise for Family business.

"Yellow's a nice colour, very friendly, nothing wrong with a bit of yellow. But gold, gold is basically yellow, but really, really sparkly... you know shiny... a bit better"

"You saying you like boys?" I ask.

He glower at me.

"There were lots of girls at the launch..." he say sulkily "and nibbles... and a DJ... it was fun..."

"So where was the gold?"

"... there was no gold... it... was... a... metaphor..."

"You met a whore? Sound like brilliant relaunch."

He stare at me with that blank impatient look that really remind me of Signora Liberali.

"You just don't understand... I'm going to sit in a dark room for a while now... don't knock... don't come in... it's just something we do in LC."

"O.k... don't forget give your new friend a call... or you send her text... is that how you communicate these days... Personally... I used to get on bicycle to go and see Signora Liberali's father and wave to her in garden... or rather back of her head under sun umbrella... which her parents still regard as pretty racy liberty before we married... it..."

But he gone.

Sure is great to see young man making his way in Family, such impatience to succeed.

Liberali Junior in Liverpool

Liberali Family is in Liverpool this weekend for Spring Family Gathering. I take this as good opportunity to stay at home and work on lemon trees, but have sent enthusiastic cugine up in my stead.

For Liberali Junior, my nephew, this will be first Gathering. So he still full of keen enthusiasm and optimism that less evident amongst those in regular attendance. For now though he leaf through briefing papers on socially responsible carjacking and benefiting from cross-border crime with with wide-eyed wonder and curiosity.

He been pestering me with questions all week about which way he should indicate his support on various pressing matters like what to do about children who bit slow, preventing lawyers getting more of our money, and whether or not our drugs rackets should be run by Capitani, directly selected foot soldiers, or some combination.

On this last point I advise him to avoid discussion altogether and go and learn how to meet girls in bars. It advice I give frequently to members of Family internal governance structure, but for many I fear it too late.

He ring me last night to say this precisely what he do. Although I not sure he get it quite right.

"I see training session run by Signor Mathon, a London hitman, and Signora Harper, a consigliore, called Winning with Women" he say.

"How that go for you" I ask

"It little disappointing. Not sure it great advice. Most of training seem to be fashion tips on how to conceal a Beretta in a twin-set, and when I try and mimic Signor Mathon's chat-up lines later in bar it not very helpful."

"Chat-up lines?"

"I see pretty girl who work for Don Clegg and say to her she have nice eyes and 'professional-looking demure demeanour that look good on leaflets in non-threatening or overly -flirty-manner'. She pour drink on head."

"So when change shirt and try more conversational-style. Going really well with new Capitani from Little Sicily until I ask her if she like to 'come back to my ward and spend weekend extorting support from local residents;'. Her eyes glaze over and she suddenly rather talk to Capo Opik about his harmonica."

"Did you try and buy anyone a drink?"

"Yes, but Signor Mathon say I should not do this until I 'have extracted a commitment for at least one evening of tactical support at time of local turf-war'. It not prove easy. One girl though do ask me for glass of water, but call me an environmental criminal when I get her a bottle. Luckily Signor Cable giving away fruit juice from his new line of Dr. Cable's Smoothies range, but most Liberali women seem more interested in vodka. I think that he have them in mind when he decry the pity of binge-drinking."

"How Liverpool for you otherwise."

"It great, not like you say at all. Still have hub-caps on hire car and no one in a suit was preparing for their day in court, except the ex-Leader of our Capitani. We making a fortune up here, so many building-site rackets going on that enforcers all getting very fit dashing between them. Even Signor Rennard putting his tracksuit on tomorrow to relive some of the triumphs of his youth."

"That good news, you learn something then?"

"Yes, if you work hard all year round you don't get to meet many women."

That my boy...

The Euro Revolt

It troubling evening tonight. Not sure exactly what go on, but have been summoned into meeting with Don Clegg, Signor Davey and Signor Alexander.

"Bastardos, they're all ******* bastardos" rave the Don

Signor Davey look mighty cheerful. He appear to be looking through Family yearbook and drawing little symbols next to some of the pictures. I not sure what they mean but look like little spikes, squiggly lines with a loop on the end, and L-shapes with little round circles coming out of the end. Signor Davey mighty talented artist.

"I would urge caution" say Signor Alexander

"Oh genius, thank-you Daniel, this would be caution as in following your guidance to avoid upsetting anyone by developing a position on the latest musings of the Euro Family so complex that no one understands it except the three of us."

"It seems very simple to me" say Signor Davey.

"Really..." say the Don "Suppose, just for my education you articulate it again to Signor Liberali?"

"Well if you insist... Don.... Signor Liberali, as you know... periodically... the Euro Family meets to set rules for dealing with the border disputes that occasionally erupt between us. The latest rules were proposed in Lisbon, and the Euro Family is awaiting confirmation that the national Families are happy with the proposal."

"I thought Dutch heroin racketeers and French Connection already reject that."

"No, no, no, that was the set of rules proposed in Rome a year earlier, and entirely different set of rules, with much wider implications."

"Really what difference?"

Signor Davey glower at me. Don Clegg is smirking

"Well clearly that isn't what was important today."

"Oh why was it then that Knuckles was beating head against wall earlier, crying 'I just don't understand what we're doing'..."

"Well apart from the obvious that Signor Carmichael has a number of... shall we say... complex issues... the matter that caused him and other trait... I mean valued colleagues.... particular concern was the Don's insistence that we did not need to consult the foot-soldiers on the new rules."

"Why that problem?"

"It's not" snap Signor Davey... "That's the point"

"Then why everyone so excited?"

"Well some of the idio... I mean respected and loyal Capos... seem to regard Don Kennedy's 2005 promise to consult the foot-soldiers on the previous Rome rules as binding on this issue."

"So Lisbon rules really different to Rome rules then?"

Signor Davey glare at me.

"Well evidently Signor Liberali. For starters... one set of rules had the word Rome at the top... and other set used the word Lisbon."

"Wow, that pretty important." I say, impressed.

Signor Davey beam at the Don "See he understands"

"Uh huh..." interject the Don "Tell me Signor Liberali why is that you didn't join the rebels today. What is it about our position that you believe is defensible?"

"I figure if I no support you Signor Davey carry out threat to nail my testicles to door and close it." I beam

"Your loyalty is appreciated... Signor Davey, can I suggest you and Signor Alexander leave us to do some cabinet-making before the Family gets the impression that we tolerate any thinking more sophisticated than Signor Liberali's excellent analysis."

It sure great to be appreciated for brains as well as loyalty. I think I go and prepare some ice packs for Signors Heath, Farron and Knuckles...