Thursday, 10 February 2011

Small misunderstandings

Since little misunderstanding during contest for Don of all Liberali, I been best of friends with Signor "Dr. Evil" Oakeshott. Regularly he come down Little Sicily to scream and shout at me about Vatican bankers.

It most entertaining. Dr. Evil been trying to put squeeze on the VBs for over 30 years. But they tricky marks. Soon as you think you got them, they sneak off to Switzerland or invent new ways of hiding their stash.

I most sad then he decide to go for long entirely voluntary holiday to spend more time with property portfolio. It seem he have minor, entirely understandable disagreement with Signor Alexander, where he jovially compare him to 'type of rent boy who give it up easy for bankers' with all financial understanding of an Neapolitan, using hand gestures. Seem Signor Alexander took offence at Dr. Evil's 'characteristically robust style'.

Also have little local difficulty. Lots of Capos moaning about need to cut rackets after Conservatori "Hindenburg" Pickles slash kick-backs. It all too far, too fast they say. Which odd I never see our Capos moving fast unless toward buffet cart at annual birthday party for Don Clegg.

But their point is that if we have to shift grifters and girls of ill-repute from Family books we only spend more in long term removing them from our turf when inevitably go into business for selves. Slow down they say. Give girls time to put on bit of make-up, go down gym, get punters back in. Let grifters learn some new tricks, set up online poker site, rather than chase the lady on street corners.

Hindenburg though just laugh and say they had years to do all this, show me money, no place for dead wood in new Family Coalition. Signor Stunell helpfully interject if there were we probably find way of selling it.

Hindenburg give him hard stare. Probably right. Besides where we going to bury Capos if they no stop moaning, and who going to bury them if we shrink the help.

Friday, 14 January 2011

OldSaddlebag result

I most sad for my colleague Signor Nutkins in OldSaddlebag who has been beaten up by girl with funny teeth.

This no reflection on him and in many respects great result for Liberali considering he all exhausted by long process of proving previous Labouristi Capo have no honour.

Plus our so-called new Conservatori friends who say they lend us muscle do little more than flounce around saying "We so local, we help you long time".

So sorry then to see Signor Ali forced to return to hanging round local cinema fencing tickets.

When out of hospital I hope we see more of Signor Nutkins in future. It Family tradition for beaten soldiers to ignore wounds and return for rematch every 4-5 years. Although seriously Signor Rendel, maybe time to get message now.

Tuesday, 4 January 2011

VAT the problem?

I not sure I glad to be out of coma. Paesano in Little Sicily sure get whiny in absence.

Only today out in market wetting beak on fruit and tupperware stands when stall holders all gather round.

"Why Don Clegg put up our protection Signor Liberali?" they wring hands at me

"It so hard", "We struggle", "Customers no understand why price go up", "You try to take crusts from mouths of bambinos", "Signor Miliband his protection cost less"... and on, and on...

"It 2.5%" I say "That not much." Pause to think really hard.

"Can't tell you exactly how small it is, but it sound like next to nothing".

They give me hard stares.

"Besides Signor Miliband put the squeeze on wages instead and it his fault we need to repair the protection fund". I can tell I really convincing them.

At this point Signor Green of Sicilian Home Stores on Palermo High Street who I no like wander over.

"Didn't you say only a few months ago whatever happens you weren't going to put up protection on the market?"

"I pretty sure I was in coma"

"Yes but looks here's a photograph of Don Clegg in Little Sicily standing next to an enormous poster that says 'Conservatori will put your market protection up or blow you up with big bomb'"

I give him hard stare.

"I sure there good explanation for that. You saying Don Clegg not a man of honour?"

He look pensive.

"Thought no. Anyhow not you like pay same protection as rest of my paesano"

"Well I'm sure I must be running along, people to see, pants to sells, cugine to eject from Top Shop..."

"Tickets to Monaco?"

He sure move fast for well padded guy.

"We still not happy" say stall holders

"Should tell Don Cameron" I say


"He interested in measuring misery. You want, I can set up meeting so he make you happy? He got whole ranges of 'nudges' he want to try on willing test group."

Suddenly seem people keen to get back to stalls.

"Gotta go...", "Sure we cope...", "there no alternative...", "we all in together..."

Sure is great way deal with Conservatori make people want to work harder.