Friday, 13 July 2007

4% off Protection Payments

So, Don Campbell call meeting of Liberali Family to discuss impact of Don Brown's new slums proposal.

"This is troublesome", say the Don "As soon as we propose to free up our Capos to build again, Don Brown pops up with a very similar proposal and people forget that it was ours in the first place. We need a new idea, one the Labouristi Don cannot take from us. What are your thoughts my generals?"

There is deep cough.

"Yes Knuckles?"

Signor Carmichael has creased his furrowed brow and from the rumbling noise from the bowels of his throat is clearly about to propose idea;

"We could... er... like increase protection payments for all the really successful businesses... maybe to 50%"

"A worthy thought Knuckles, but the old Don, whose recovery from vino-poisoning we all crave soon, none more than I, tried that idea. It didn't work so well. The Family banker said he got rather tired of being kidnapped and beaten up by men with nice ties who used to want to give the Don even more money as a sign of respect. No we need a different tack."

There is shrill squeak from the back of the room

"Yes Signora Swinson?"

"We need more wimmin!"

"Quite possibly true Signora... but I fail to see the relev...

Signora Swinson raise her eyes up to heaven

"Look Padrino, you can send all the old-style bully-boy thugs you like to some people and still the Family is no better off... wimmin can be persuasive in other ways."

Many of my old paisan shifting uncomfortably at this suggestion, Signor Oaten has gone pink and Signor Opik, who until that point had been concentrating on texting girlfriends in Romania take sudden interest in meeting.

Signora Swinson start turning red.

"Calm down colleagues," say Don Campbell, "what I believe Signora Swinson is of course referring to is proper funding for the gender-balanced hit squad, a crack team of assassins whose deadliness is enhanced by their diversity of methods."

Signor Opik cross his legs and resume text-message.

"Thank-you Signora, it is of course an excellent suggestion that I intend to implement fully in the fullness of time, however today we need ideas for raising finance not spending it."

Signor Laws nudge Signor Cable forward and cough;

"Yes Letteropener, you have a suggestion for us?"

"Er... yes Don... Knuckles' methods may be crude but his heart is in the right place. There are various exemptions from payment currently enjoyed by the men with shiny ties that I feel they would not miss if they were, shall I say, forgotten. There are also various Conservatori paisan who feel it appropriate to drive down our streets in their over-sized delivery vans who perhaps should feel obliged to pay a toll or two for the privilege. If we do that then we can not only scrap the hated Consigliore Payment, but also knock 4% off existing protection payments for some of the small businesses currently impoverished by the yoke of Don Brown's terror. Our coffers will be still be full."

There is silence

"Fuck-me that's brilliant" say Don Campbell, who seem to have reverted to old Glasgow street slang in moment of euphoria. "I'd like to see the sheep-strangling bastard's face when we put that word out."

Sound good to me also, I only recently sold van, and much easier for boys to collect big sums from small number of people than little bits from everyone. Il Padrino has spoken.

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