Small misunderstandings

Since little misunderstanding during contest for Don of all Liberali, I been best of friends with Signor "Dr. Evil" Oakeshott. Regularly he come down Little Sicily to scream and shout at me about Vatican bankers.

It most entertaining. Dr. Evil been trying to put squeeze on the VBs for over 30 years. But they tricky marks. Soon as you think you got them, they sneak off to Switzerland or invent new ways of hiding their stash.

I most sad then he decide to go for long entirely voluntary holiday to spend more time with property portfolio. It seem he have minor, entirely understandable disagreement with Signor Alexander, where he jovially compare him to 'type of rent boy who give it up easy for bankers' with all financial understanding of an Neapolitan, using hand gestures. Seem Signor Alexander took offence at Dr. Evil's 'characteristically robust style'.

Also have little local difficulty. Lots of Capos moaning about need to cut rackets after Conservatori "Hindenburg" Pickles slash kick-backs. It all too far, too fast they say. Which odd I never see our Capos moving fast unless toward buffet cart at annual birthday party for Don Clegg.

But their point is that if we have to shift grifters and girls of ill-repute from Family books we only spend more in long term removing them from our turf when inevitably go into business for selves. Slow down they say. Give girls time to put on bit of make-up, go down gym, get punters back in. Let grifters learn some new tricks, set up online poker site, rather than chase the lady on street corners.

Hindenburg though just laugh and say they had years to do all this, show me money, no place for dead wood in new Family Coalition. Signor Stunell helpfully interject if there were we probably find way of selling it.

Hindenburg give him hard stare. Probably right. Besides where we going to bury Capos if they no stop moaning, and who going to bury them if we shrink the help.

OldSaddlebag result

I most sad for my colleague Signor Nutkins in OldSaddlebag who has been beaten up by girl with funny teeth.

This no reflection on him and in many respects great result for Liberali considering he all exhausted by long process of proving previous Labouristi Capo have no honour.

Plus our so-called new Conservatori friends who say they lend us muscle do little more than flounce around saying "We so local, we help you long time".

So sorry then to see Signor Ali forced to return to hanging round local cinema fencing tickets.

When out of hospital I hope we see more of Signor Nutkins in future. It Family tradition for beaten soldiers to ignore wounds and return for rematch every 4-5 years. Although seriously Signor Rendel, maybe time to get message now.

VAT the problem?

I not sure I glad to be out of coma. Paesano in Little Sicily sure get whiny in absence.

Only today out in market wetting beak on fruit and tupperware stands when stall holders all gather round.

"Why Don Clegg put up our protection Signor Liberali?" they wring hands at me

"It so hard", "We struggle", "Customers no understand why price go up", "You try to take crusts from mouths of bambinos", "Signor Miliband his protection cost less"... and on, and on...

"It 2.5%" I say "That not much." Pause to think really hard.

"Can't tell you exactly how small it is, but it sound like next to nothing".

They give me hard stares.

"Besides Signor Miliband put the squeeze on wages instead and it his fault we need to repair the protection fund". I can tell I really convincing them.

At this point Signor Green of Sicilian Home Stores on Palermo High Street who I no like wander over.

"Didn't you say only a few months ago whatever happens you weren't going to put up protection on the market?"

"I pretty sure I was in coma"

"Yes but looks here's a photograph of Don Clegg in Little Sicily standing next to an enormous poster that says 'Conservatori will put your market protection up or blow you up with big bomb'"

I give him hard stare.

"I sure there good explanation for that. You saying Don Clegg not a man of honour?"

He look pensive.

"Thought no. Anyhow not you like pay same protection as rest of my paesano"

"Well I'm sure I must be running along, people to see, pants to sells, cugine to eject from Top Shop..."

"Tickets to Monaco?"

He sure move fast for well padded guy.

"We still not happy" say stall holders

"Should tell Don Cameron" I say

"Why?"

"He interested in measuring misery. You want, I can set up meeting so he make you happy? He got whole ranges of 'nudges' he want to try on willing test group."

Suddenly seem people keen to get back to stalls.

"Gotta go...", "Sure we cope...", "there no alternative...", "we all in together..."

Sure is great way deal with Conservatori make people want to work harder.

Bon'annu novu

So that was 2010. Not best year. In coma. Woke up end of year. Still not see Don Clegg. Understand though he most concerned about whether have brain damage. Although no understand why Get Well card ask whether it get worse.

Spending New Year with Family Consigliere Signor Rennard, who lose a lot of weight, call himself Signor Fox, and has developed ability to use computer. No end to talent it seem.

He say he keeping eye on me until better. Is helping recovery with important folding therapy using large pile of threat letters for OldSaddlebag turf war. His kindness undimmed by extreme diet.

Bon'annu novu Liberali

Capo Hughes Access Enforcer

Well I very pleased for my old friend Capo Hughes. It look like he accept new job making cugine protection racket easier to understand for ragazzi used to beatings.

It real problem for Family. Try to make things simple, some just do not get it.

Time wiseguys spend holding heads under water, smashing up possessions, and otherwise inflicting instruction, could spend collecting from ragazzi with lower pain threshold.

"It great deal" we say "pay the dues and our protection stays with you for life".

"No money now... no problemo... we give you little loan... you pay us back when ready"

"No money later... you no pay"

"Worry about debt... forgetta-about-it... after 30 years you free from all favours"

"Worry about interest... badda-bing... only blingy kids pay the full Family rate"

"Still don't get it... Capo Hughes have a little protection fund for special cases"

As the Capo say "is perception rather than the reality" that issue with protection rackets.

And who not trust this face?

I sure we soon see big uptake of great new deal.

Congratulazioni Signor Hughes!

Village notice

It very kind of village bulletin board to post Christmas message whilst recovering from extraction of last bullet. Something I put behind me, as did cowardly gunman.

Don Studmuffin

I in lot of trouble with the Don this week. While I being entertained by Don Clegg's henchmen last November, we talk about stuff on occasion. With Signor Grant for example we chat about problem with Capo Clegg image.

"The thing is Liberali, I'm a little concerned."

"Why that Gavin?"

"Well Capo Clegg is more 'new' Family than 'old', some people even say he appeals to women."

"What point of that?"

"I know... I know... but ever since Signora Pankhurst and her (shudder) progressive ilk secured full access to the Family it's been seen as quite an asset in a Don."

"Sure explain why Signora Clegg keep giving lady Capos filthy looks."

"Uh huh... anyhow that's not my point, the flip side of all that 'girl-power' is that, well how can I put this delicately, the Capo can occasionally seem a little feminine... it doesn't go down so well with the real old men of honour... you know... like you."

"Sure, Signora Liberali say she glad she with man with no feminine side, and I should under no circumstances ever consider making decisions about what's in our home. I think she say this when visiting bachelor pad while dating."

"Fascinating... I would love to hear more... however the issue is how do we improve the Capo's appeal to real men?... Do you have any ideas?"

"He could shoot Capo Huhne in the face?"

"Uh huh... uh huh... I'm thinking starting a Family blood-bath might lose a little more marginal support than it gains and be quite expensive... it can be a burden to be a marketing expert sometimes... think a little more about the image than the substance."

"Well he could talk about man-things a bit more and spend a little less time on all this diverse Family stuff."

"Mmm interesting... do go on"

"What about he do interview with 'real men' Paparazzi like the 'Moron' who write for PoshWank magazine"

"I'm listening..."

"He could talk about man-stuff... favourite gun... bullet-proof car of month... organising hits on his Blackberry... fun-stuff... wiseguy-stuff... make him sound modern man of honour as well as ladies man"

"Very good... any risks?"

"Um... no don't think so... not like it serious anti-Family magazine..."

And with that he dash off to talk to Signor Clegg. Interview not used at time, but turn out PoshWank saving it for later.... and it seem Don Clegg may have got his brief confused. The Moron got him talking about other stuff as well, which not quite get headlines Signor Grant looking for...

"PoshWank Exclusive: I'm like a Tommy Gun in a whorehouse claim Don of Liberali Family"

"10... 20... 30... I've had so many I've lost count... say Don Clegg"

"Good... was I good... let's just say when you're used to Nissan Micra you're going to notice a Hummer in the driveway"

"Is my wife satisfied?... well she begged me not to become Don, so I guess she wasn't looking for less time together."

"Have I cheated?... er... I don't think so... despite being the Leader of the most sensationally attractive Family... I'd like to think I've only got eyes for Signora Clegg..."

Signor Moron inexplicably publish that last comment under subtitle "He's a shagger, oh yes he is."

So I be taking holiday for a while I think... and not letting Signora Liberali hang around the Printworks too much when Don is around...