Thursday, 28 June 2007

Stop the cuts

I am nervous man today, Don Campbell has summoned me to see Signor Norman "Beast" Lamb, our Capo responsible for drugs rackets in the united territories.

Beast have fearsome reputation. A couple of years back a small bookstore owner with friends in the Conservatori Family, Signor Dale, attempt to set up a franchise on his turf. We no know exactly what happen, however soon after Capo Lamb visit his shop, apparently to 'buy the latest Harry Potter', Signor Dale disappear from Upper Norfolk Street, only to reappear a few months later with his own TV station that every night plays a coded apology to Signor Lamb for any disrespect. The bookstore mysteriously burned to the ground.

So I is summoned into Beast's Office. He is sitting facing the window.

"Ah good morning Liberali, good of you to visit me", he say.

"Good morning Bea... I mean Signor Lamb, how can I be of service to you today?" I reply

"Tell me Liberali, are you nervous man, a man who is easily shaken perhaps?"

"Er... no", I lie.

"I am glad Liberali, so I take it that single bead of sweat on your forehead I see glinting in the reflection of my window is due to the thick fibres of the suit you recently procured from... I would say British Home Stores."

"Yes I say", feeling several more beads of sweat forming, some in more uncomfortable places than forehead.

"Well, one should always buy Italian. No one likes to look at an SOS from BHS. Later you will go to Don Campbell's tailor and smarten up I think. Now though we have business to take care of."

"Grazie Signor Lamb."

"We have a little difficulty to attend to in our pharmaceutical business, Liberali, I need you to follow me and listen while I explain."

We walk out of office, down to back entrance to the Cowley print-works, and start making our way towards Little Brixton.

"An elderly lady came to me last week and she said, 'Signor Lamb, Signor Lamb, woe is me'. Calm yourself, I said, what is the problem we can take of?"

'Signor Lamb, I have much trouble with back and knee for many years. For many years I use your friends to provide me with special cigarettes that relieve my pain. Signor Beveridge always give me good deal, sometimes free at point of smoke. But when he pass on, his business taken over by Labouristi thugs who start cutting the weed, firing chemists, and forcing crazy sales targets on the dealers. Now cigarettes no good, I in so much pain Signor Lamb, will you help me?'

"I said to the lady, I am a reasonable man, I feel your pain, we will take care of this business for you."

"That is what we do today Liberali. And you will take what we do today to run similar campaigns against Labouristi in other parts of the united territories."

Now I really nervous, Labouristi been embedded in drugs rackets for long time and they no pussy-cats. However Beast seem confident.

Soon we in Little Brixton and we see the Labouristi Patsy Hewitt crew hanging around outside their special cigarette cafe making the chit-chat with punters.

"Wait here" say Signor Lamb.

He walk over to cafe and engage with one of the crew.

"buon giorno", he say "I am representative of your customers and have some proposals you will listen to." The punk look at puzzled. One of his colleagues I think recognise Beast, turn white, and start shuffling away. He regretfully trip backwards over my foot.

"We like you to stop the cutting our drugs" say Beast, punk look unconvinced

"We'd like you to cut the waste." he reiterate, punk seem to start experiencing dawn of realisation.

"Just give us back our drugs, bastardo!" scream Beast as he grabs punk and throw him through window.

What follow all rather unpleasant, suffice to say we have new business in Little Brixton and no one see Patsy Hewitt's crew round here no more.

I off now to teach Signor Lamb's persuasive techniques to other members of the Family.

No comments: